Psychology of Affairs - Does the offending spouse get meaner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he was totally mean and disconnected. To justify what he was doing he had to make me the bad guy. Also, affairs are training your brain to get instant gratification - instead of working on your issues or facing issues in your marriage (which are connected to your issues)you just fulfill needs another way. So it makes sense you are inpatient and frustrated when you aren't getting what you want. Our therapist pointed this out and it made a lot of sense.

How long did you go to counseling? Any suggestions if spouse is not interested or willing to go to counseling?

OP and PP. Did he move out during his affair or continue to live under the same roof?

It was an emotional affair, they worked together, and we were not separated during the affair. It heated up when they got close during a work project, and escalated into lying to me about IMing her and spending time with her, then because of a job change it began to die down (also, infatuation is time-limited and doesn't last forever). All told it lasted about a year, with a few months after the year having it gradually die off. I reached a breaking point and confronted him, we started counseling (his idea), and he did briefly move out for a few weeks while we cleared our heads (he stayed with a relative, by that time their contact had really dwindled. We were in close contact during the separation (have a child) and worked on being better to each other and the root of the affair, his issues, my issues, and our issues.

We did regular weekly counseling for almost a year, then it tapered off. Counseling was obviously not just about the affair, had a lot of issues to deal with from childhood etc. We still do counseling every few weeks.

If the spouse does not want to go to counseling, don't force it. You can't really end an affair, he/she has to. I highly recommend looking into the 180 approach by Michele Weiner Davi or something like that. It helps build you up and has you focus on YOU because that is the only person you can control. It is empowering. Another good resource on affairs is the guy who wrote "Break from the Affair" Robert Huizenga or something. You don't have to purchase materials, he has a lot of free stuff online.