If you married the person you had affair with, do kids know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm married to the man I had an affair with 20 years ago. He was married, I was not - no kids involved. He approached me, I turned him down repeatedly, he eventually left his wife. We didn't start anything until after he was separated (but not divorced).

We have been married for 16 years and have two kids. They know he was married before, but that's all they know.

I don't foresee us ever getting divorced.

If he was separated when you started things, then this does not qualify as an affair. Sorry! But glad to hear it's worked out for you both!

Agree. If you got together after he had separated your relationship wasn't based on the high he was getting from secrecy and deception. Totally different deal.

I also think affairs with no kids involved have a much better chance of working out anyway. When people divorce without kids, you can move on much easier than people in a shared custody situation who are constantly in contact about child-raising. Obviously people have more time and usually money and energy as well if they aren't dealing with an ex and kids so it makes the relationship easier to develop and grow in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own curiousity here. If you had an affair, and divorced your current spouse to be with your affair partner, do your kids you have with ex spouse know about the affair? What about kids you have with affair partner (assuming they are older)? If so, how is your relationship with them?

Something like 98% of those relationships don't even last.

This. 3% of affair partners get married, and 75% of those marriages end.

So for every 200 people having an affair, 6 will marry, and after a few years only about 1.5 will still be married.

oh, and where did you get this numbers from?

[Anonymous]

Happened when I was 8. I didn't put it together until I was in my mid-20s. They divorced after 17 years.

[Anonymous]

I put it together when I was 13 (parents divorced when I was younger). He would never admit it. They are still married. No additional children, but all 5 of the children from their first marriages are estranged from them because of the lie.

[Anonymous]

My DH mother left his father when he was three years old for another man. She had FIVE kids at the time and DH was the youngest. She remarried the man she had the affair with and went on to have two more kids. She later divorced her second husband. What a mess she made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child who's father left my mother when I was 3, I did not know about his affair with my stepmother till I was 21. My mother only told me then because I asked her why she divorced my dad.

I think my mom took the high road and wanted me to have as close as a relationship with my dad as possible. That was why she waited till I was an adult and she only told me when I asked.

Your Mom sounds AWESOME!! Go give her a hug!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own curiousity here. If you had an affair, and divorced your current spouse to be with your affair partner, do your kids you have with ex spouse know about the affair? What about kids you have with affair partner (assuming they are older)? If so, how is your relationship with them?

My ex fil did this but it was by death. Everybody not so close anymore.

[Anonymous]

My DH knows that his mom's relationship w her current husband started as an affair. It is somewhat awkward but basically fine.

[Anonymous]

My mother left my dying father for another man and filed for divorce. My father died several months later, before the divorce was final. My father never changed his will, insurance policy, etc. and my mother got everything in my father's estate. She married her lover and they ran through the money within a year and skipped town. All of us kids loathed my mother and stepfather and never spoke to them again.

[Anonymous]

I'm the product of an affair. I didn't learn this until I was well into my 20s. I knew my mother had been married before - I had half-siblings to prove it - but for a very long time believed that she had divorced her first husband, THEN met my dad.

But no. She was ostensibly happy in her first marriage, then met my dad, got involved in an affair, and left her first husband for him. A very different story.

I would have liked to learn about this younger than I did. But I understand that there was never really a good time for Mom to tell me.

My parents had a good run together. Almost 25 years. But then my dad met a younger woman, cheated with her and divorced my mom. Everyone knows exactly what happened there, but we're all adults now so that's no surprise.

[Anonymous]

No kids with ex, and my kids are still young. I don't think there is any reason to tell them, and I don't see how they'd find out.

[Anonymous]

Not my story, but a friend's. His dad died when he was 8, and his mother, in her own words, and I've heard her say it "knew she wasn't cut out to be alone, and starting looking for someone else."

She wasn't having much luck dating, and eventually (when my friend was about 12-13) took up with a married man who also had kids. They had an affair for a few years, then he left his wife, then they married when my friend was 17.

My friend is now late-thirties, and married with kids of his own, and it's quasi-OK. His mom and her husband have been married for about 20 years, the ex-wife has moved on, and the kids all get along OK with each other. He says it was extremely tough as a teen though, because he knew what was happening, as did most everyone else (they lived in a small town). The most lingering affect seems to be on my friend sister's life - their mother noticeably favors his sister (only girl out of the total 4 kids) and his step-brothers (possibly because she feels some guilt over stealing their dad from his wife?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No kids with ex, and my kids are still young. I don't think there is any reason to tell them, and I don't see how they'd find out.

Same here. I will likely tell them I was married before, but not until they're older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No kids with ex, and my kids are still young. I don't think there is any reason to tell them, and I don't see how they'd find out.

Same here, too.

My DH#2 wasn't really "the other man" in a dramatic way. I met him after DH#1 and I had already agreed our marriage was doomed and we would split, we were still living together but not sleeping together, etc. But we hadn't filed the paperwork yet....so technically it was an affair.

[Anonymous]

My uncle married his affair partner. Everyone knows including his two kids by his first wife. They were middle school aged at the time and it was a lot of drama and bitterness. He's been married to his mistress for over 15 years. As adults his children are very bitter towards him and his son refuses to have anything to do with him.