I don't think I love my SN child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: <<All 3 of my children have their own set of issues>>

Previous poster -- not to hijack this thread -- but how do you cope? Both my kids have issues -- one much more significant than the other -- but both have school intervention of some kind. I find this very difficult to deal with -- if one kid needs it, its just a fluke, but both must indicate bad parents, right?

And the line that all kids have issues isnt helpful, because I have plenty of friends whose kids dont have issues.

PP you quoted here. I do it because I have to. There is no way around it. My older kids issues really didn't surface too badly until after my youngest was diagnosed with ASD. My oldest is ADHD...very emotional, cannot focus on homework, defiant with my parenting. But he is 12 now and he's maturing.

My middle child is out in lala land. No diagnosis, but just not right. She's 11 and I have to say that puberty is HELPING.

No, I don't believe it is parenting in the least. Every time my older kids are at friend's houses, I get so many compliments on how well they behave and how polite they are. That is different from a neurological condition though. Even my ASD DS says please and thank you as he's pushing you out of your chair to make you get him some juice. I've always been on the stricter side of parenting. Probably overly so in past years. I've found that punishment doesn't work the same on my kids. It only makes it worse. It's not easy, but it WAS a lot worse. My youngest is 7 now, so everyone is growing up....and trust me when I say that maturity will make things easier.

[Anonymous]

Time for some respite care. If you get a break, you will feel better about your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting a special needs child can be VERY difficult, and a big roller coster of ups and downs. Depression is a problem for many of us. Find your self a good psychiatrist.

+1 We all have gone through varying levels of this feeling. Suicidal even sometimes. Get help; it gets better.

[Anonymous]

I really wish we all could meet and commiserate together. I want to give you all hugs right now. I have one child with autism, but I have a ton of health problems which makes all this very hard to cope with. Someone mentioned getting a job or having something out of your child. I know I need that right now. I am trying to find a very part-time job. We could obviously use a full-time salary but my son is in private school with no aftercare so I need to pick-up and drop-off.

I feel so lonely sometimes. I have a fantastic close friend in similar circumstances who gets it. Another friend of mine lives on the other coast and even though she's not going through the same, she is so understanding. All my other friends fell by the wayside. I was sick of the comments and other criticisms about what we were doing for our son. People really show their true colors.

I just want you to know I am thinking of you all and know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

PP -- I'm reading the book ``Shut Up About Your Perfect Child'' right now. Finding it pretty helpful.

But yeah, losing a good friend once you enter the SN world is tough. That happened to me, and I've found that hard.

[Anonymous]

You will gain friends through your child's special needs. It is hard and painful and uncertain. Mindfulness meditation can help. There are wonderful dictated meditations and dharma talks that can help you get perspective at tarabrach dot com--the podcasts are free. Tara Brach is a world-famous mindfulness meditation expert and she is right here in the DC area. I am using it to help with my own stresses of having a SN child and also to face my own difficulties as a worrier and my own sensitivity and reactivity in the face of defiance from my child.

At times like this, sounds like you need a break. Let your child watch more movies or TV if you have to just to give yourself more nurturance and strength so you feel more patience and appreciation when your break is over. Make sure you are getting some exercise (even just walking) to help your stress level. (Wish I could practice what I preach--but I know it helps me when I do it.) Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP -- Do therapists (for adults?) really help? They can help to some extent, in my experience, but they dont really cure the low-grade depression that comes with parenting a sn kid. I guess only meds can get rid of that.

Please recognize that what you are doing here is looking for excuses not to get help. You may not be conscious of it, but it is the faulty thinking that goes hand and hand with depression. Been there, done that. "I'm supposed to be depressed, I have a SN child." "They can't really help me because they can't change my child's issues." "I don't have time/money/energy for this." "All they will do is write a prescription and I don't want to take meds."

Stop that right ow and make the call. Yes, therapy can help. Meds can help as well. Both are the gold standard but don't get ahead of yourself and start thinking about that, just get your ass in a therapist's office. Your child needs this. You need this.

Also, you need a good developmental ped for your DC. But start with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Amen, pp. OP, you can do this, but not if you can't take care of yourself. I use both talk and drug therapy (even before I had an sn kid) and it has allowed me not to get into that awful circular way of thinking (things are bad, they'll always be bad, there's nothing I can do). It allows me to be open to advice and, most importantly, without the depression or extreme anxiety, I have the ENERGY to implement them. Perspective, my friend, perspective. If that doesn't help, watch your kid sleeping. Take in their peacefulness and their gentleness and remind yourself of that next time things get rough. It's not an easy or even fair path that we're all on here. But it's our path. Accept that (and all the joy and hell that goes with it) and you'll find more peace.