ADOPTION QUESTIONS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another MAJOR issue to think about domestically is whether you want an open or closed adoption. These days adoption professionals push for open adoptions and some agencies will not work with you if you refuse to have contact with the birthparents.
/quote]

Agree with this. THis is the reason we abandoned domestic adoption. I admire people that can do open adoptions, but I cannot. My life is way too complicated already. And I don't buy that it is in the best interests of the child.

[Anonymous]

Another MAJOR issue to think about domestically is whether you want an open or closed adoption. These days adoption professionals push for open adoptions and some agencies will not work with you if you refuse to have contact with the birthparents.
/quote]

Agree with this. THis is the reason we abandoned domestic adoption. I admire people that can do open adoptions, but I cannot. My life is way too complicated already. And I don't buy that it is in the best interests of the child.

I have one DD (biological) and am seriously considering adoption for our second child (I have medical complications that would make it very risky for a second bio child). I always thought that I would want a completely closed adoption - hubby and I didn't want the hassle of dealing with others. However, I've recently had a change of opinion. My mother was adopted via a 'closed' adoption in the 1940s and just recently 'found' her two biological sisters. The happiness of knowing her sisters and learning about her biological parents (who are deceased now, but her sisters were older and had much more info than my mom ever knew) has enlightened my mother's life. She is a new, much happier, person since this happened. As a result, I can see the benefits of an open adoption for the adopted child. My mom always had identity issues b/c of her adoption; I can only imagine that having known her biological history (and some family members) might have made her more secure.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for sharing your experiences and for all of your great advice. I think if we decide to go forward with this we'll talk to an adoption attorney first.

[Anonymous]

I agree that Peter Wiernicki is worth every penny. (But keep in mind that it's a LOT of pennies!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another MAJOR issue to think about domestically is whether you want an open or closed adoption. These days adoption professionals push for open adoptions and some agencies will not work with you if you refuse to have contact with the birthparents.
/quote]

Agree with this. THis is the reason we abandoned domestic adoption. I admire people that can do open adoptions, but I cannot. My life is way too complicated already. And I don't buy that it is in the best interests of the child.

While I don't say that everyone who adopts should have an open adoption, I worry about the mindset of prospective parents who are so vociferously opposed to it. It's not about you or your "complicated life" - it's about your child and what's going to be helpful to him/her as s/he gets older. Are you going to make your child feel bad or guilty because s/he has questions about his/her birth family? Are you going to invent details or lie about what you know so that you don't have to deal with it? Another poster pointed out how happy her mom was, much later in life, to finally learn about her birth family. Open adoption is an opportunity to give your child a lot more knowledge and sense of peace.

Open adoption means many different things, to exchanging letters/photos via your agency/attorney to actual visits with birth family.

FWIW, we have a semi-open international adoption (yes, international), meaning that we exchange photos etc via an intermediary. Our DC now knows much more about birth family and this is a great thing.

[amyrosegraham]

My husband and I live in Washington, D.C. and we just adopted a baby boy.

We initially went through the Barker Foundation in Bethesda, MD and had a very good experience. After completing our homestudy in February 2008, we were matched with a birth mother in May 2008. We met the birth mother at the end of June 2008 and the baby was born in mid-July. Unfortunately, this birth mother changed her mind at the hospital. It was difficult for us, but we understood that this is always a possibility with domestic adoption. So, we just continued to look forward. After three weeks, the same birth mother called the agency and said that she just couldn't parent and wanted to see if we would still be willing to parent. Of course, we agreed. This was a Friday. The baby was going to be placed in foster care for the weekend and we were going to pick him up on Monday morning. After preparing over the weekend to go get our little boy, we got a call on Sunday night that the birth mother had once again changed her mind. We were very disappointed and felt like an emotional roller coaster.

We decided to look at agencies outside of the D.C. area. For some reason I felt like our baby was going to come from South Carolina (very strange, but it is what I felt). So, I googled agencies in South Carolina and sent some emails. I got an email back from one agency and just kind of let it sit in my inbox. One week later the same agency emailed me again and told me about a situation that they had and did not have any families to show the birth mother. The baby was fully African American and because of the location in South Carolina, there were no families willing to adopt an African American boy.

We got all of our paperwork together and sent to the agency. One week later we were matched with the birth mother. The baby was born the next day. Two days later we went home with our baby boy. We had to stay in South Carolina for a week because of paperwork to bring him across state lines. However, in South Carolina (along with some other states, once the birth mother signs her rights away, it is a done deal).

We now have our precious baby boy. Our adoption will be semi-open. We met the birth mother in the hospital. She actually handed our little boy to me. We know a lot about her story and have some pictures of her to show our son. Since our son is African American (and we are white) there will be no question he is adopted, therefore we want to be able to share as much information as possible with him.

Nationally, depending on location, African American babies or bi-racial babies are often more difficult to place. However, in the D.C. area, there are many minority families pursuing adoption that are more than willing to have an African American or Bi-racial join their family. All that to say, if you are open to having a multi-racial family, then the domestic process can definitely move a lot faster.

We couldn't be happier with how things went for us. Even though we went through a difficult time in July with two "adoption losses" we now know why we went through all of that. We are falling in love with our baby boy more and more each day. He's two weeks old tomorrow!

[Anonymous]

amyrosegraham wrote:My husband and I live in Washington, D.C. and we just adopted a baby boy.

We initially went through the Barker Foundation in Bethesda, MD and had a very good experience. After completing our homestudy in February 2008, we were matched with a birth mother in May 2008. We met the birth mother at the end of June 2008 and the baby was born in mid-July. Unfortunately, this birth mother changed her mind at the hospital. It was difficult for us, but we understood that this is always a possibility with domestic adoption. So, we just continued to look forward. After three weeks, the same birth mother called the agency and said that she just couldn't parent and wanted to see if we would still be willing to parent. Of course, we agreed. This was a Friday. The baby was going to be placed in foster care for the weekend and we were going to pick him up on Monday morning. After preparing over the weekend to go get our little boy, we got a call on Sunday night that the birth mother had once again changed her mind. We were very disappointed and felt like an emotional roller coaster.

We decided to look at agencies outside of the D.C. area. For some reason I felt like our baby was going to come from South Carolina (very strange, but it is what I felt). So, I googled agencies in South Carolina and sent some emails. I got an email back from one agency and just kind of let it sit in my inbox. One week later the same agency emailed me again and told me about a situation that they had and did not have any families to show the birth mother. The baby was fully African American and because of the location in South Carolina, there were no families willing to adopt an African American boy.

We got all of our paperwork together and sent to the agency. One week later we were matched with the birth mother. The baby was born the next day. Two days later we went home with our baby boy. We had to stay in South Carolina for a week because of paperwork to bring him across state lines. However, in South Carolina (along with some other states, once the birth mother signs her rights away, it is a done deal).

We now have our precious baby boy. Our adoption will be semi-open. We met the birth mother in the hospital. She actually handed our little boy to me. We know a lot about her story and have some pictures of her to show our son. Since our son is African American (and we are white) there will be no question he is adopted, therefore we want to be able to share as much information as possible with him.

Nationally, depending on location, African American babies or bi-racial babies are often more difficult to place. However, in the D.C. area, there are many minority families pursuing adoption that are more than willing to have an African American or Bi-racial join their family. All that to say, if you are open to having a multi-racial family, then the domestic process can definitely move a lot faster.

We couldn't be happier with how things went for us. Even though we went through a difficult time in July with two "adoption losses" we now know why we went through all of that. We are falling in love with our baby boy more and more each day. He's two weeks old tomorrow!

Congratulations! Wishing you much happiness!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're Caucasian, and want to adopt a Caucasian newborn, don't buy into the myth that it can't be done domestically. It certainly can be. And don't think you have to apologize for wanting to adopt a baby who looks like you and your family.

Expand your search to other states outside the DC area - the midwest, the south. If you adopt in another state, you'll eventually have to deal with the Interstate Compact, and you may have to stay in that state for a week or two after placement, but that can be preferable to having to bribe your way around Kazakhstan for two months.

Here are some of the perils of domestic adoption: fall-throughs (when the birth mother changes her mind - it's brutal, and you could lose lots of cash, but it's always a risk) and drug use by birth mothers (research the difference between drug-exposed and drug-addicted so you'll be able to make an informed decision when it counts).

You might want to check out the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Some of the members facilitate actual placements, while others just do the legal work surrounding the adoption. Their knowledge and experience can't be beat. Some of the adoption attorneys around this area offer a free initial consultation. It's worth it.

I also think this is an ignorant post. You sound like a terrible person. I feel for your adopted child that he/she will be raised with your selfish/ignorant views. I bet everyone who knows you personally pick up on this about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're Caucasian, and want to adopt a Caucasian newborn, don't buy into the myth that it can't be done domestically. It certainly can be. And don't think you have to apologize for wanting to adopt a baby who looks like you and your family.

Expand your search to other states outside the DC area - the midwest, the south. If you adopt in another state, you'll eventually have to deal with the Interstate Compact, and you may have to stay in that state for a week or two after placement, but that can be preferable to having to bribe your way around Kazakhstan for two months.

Here are some of the perils of domestic adoption: fall-throughs (when the birth mother changes her mind - it's brutal, and you could lose lots of cash, but it's always a risk) and drug use by birth mothers (research the difference between drug-exposed and drug-addicted so you'll be able to make an informed decision when it counts).

You might want to check out the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. Some of the members facilitate actual placements, while others just do the legal work surrounding the adoption. Their knowledge and experience can't be beat. Some of the adoption attorneys around this area offer a free initial consultation. It's worth it.

I also think this is an ignorant post. You sound like a terrible person. I feel for your adopted child that he/she will be raised with your selfish/ignorant views. I bet everyone who knows you personally pick up on this about you.

You do? Why? I think she/he is doing reasonable points.

[Anonymous]

I have a problem with the PP suggesting that PAPs who go through international adoption are bribing their way to a caucasian child. I think that most of us that have either completed an international adoption or even contemplated one have done our homework to find agencies that are ethical. That being said, I think it is wise for caucasian families who want/need their child to look like them to pursue that avenue.

[Anonymous]

I'm the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad PP in question...from July. I wasn't talking about bribing for a caucasian child (what? how did you infer that?). Rather, I was referring to something I know all too well - the "sweeteners" the government officials in those countries require to move the process - any process - along. Sad but true. I'd much rather be running to Kinko's in a small southern U.S. town to fax in the rest of my required dox to satisfy the Interstate Compact than doling out twenty dollar bills just to get from place to place in a former Soviet Republic. And no need to feel sorry for my adopted children, thank you very much. Geez Louise, as we used to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm re-posting this with a different subject name in the hopes that it gets more response. I know there are tons of adoptive parents out there and I'd LOVE to hear from you!

I'm looking for people who have adopted a child to tell me what your experience was and offer any advice you may have about the process. I am just beginning to think about this as a possibility to expand our family. We have a 19-month old DD and would like to have a second child, but it is not easy for us. I know adoption is not easy either, and comes with it's own set of issues and potential heartache. So, if you've adopted a child and have some time, can you please tell me about your experience, where your child came from, how old they were when you got them, how long you had to wait for your child, what agency you used, how much did it cost, and anything else you can think of that would be helpful for me to know. Thanks so much!

I've not adopted, but I wanted to tell you good luck and congratulations! That child will be very lucky. May the process be speedy, too.