Mother Baby Bonding

[Anonymous]

What is so wrong with a child's involvement with daycare, nannies, and dad? If a child had no involvement with a father, and was totally isolated in its mother's care -- wouldn't that be a red flag that there were problems. In fact, I've seen posts from frantic moms on here saying, essentially, I can't get dad to do anything, I feel overwhelmed, what am I to do? Then we all offer her tips about how to get Dad and family involved. But here you make the opposite problem an issue. Poor mom can't win, can she?

The more people involved in a child's care, the better. You have reframed something positive as "outsourcing" and made it sound toxic. I just don't understand this. Just because a mother uses outside resources and leads a well-rounded life, she's not truly "bonding" with her child? What must moms do in order to prove they really, really, REALLY love their kids? Wear the umbilical cord around their necks? Sleep in the same bed -- that's wrong too, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel that working makes someone less of a mother? Do you feel this way about fathers too? Should we all go on welfare in order to prove that we love our children? (Oops, I forgot -- even welfare moms have to work now.)

By the way, I work -- and my nanny does not "mother" my child. You are sooooooooooooo judging me. Get a life.

Wow, you're too quick to jump on this one. She's not talking about working mothers, but mothers that have no interest in being a mom. That's a huge difference!!

Oh, I get it...there's an epidemic of mothers who have no interest in being a mom....WTF?

[Anonymous]

OP here, this discussion has gotten way off-topic. I may have used some better language to describe my question but what I was looking for was some links to studies or web sites with some more information about attachment theory. My question was on the effects not necessarily stating that the effects would be negative. But I see there are a lot of people on this board who read way more into a question than I do. There are good and bad mothers who are very involved and others who are less so. We can end it there. Good luck in whatever your particular mothering style is everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for the PP--did your dad work fewer hours than your mom? I'm just curious, not judging your feeling towards either parent, but honestly wondering if your dad worked less than your mom.

Yes, my dad was a professor and home by 4 most days, but also more involved with us in high school and college which I think are an underrated time for parent/child bonding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you feel that working makes someone less of a mother? Do you feel this way about fathers too? Should we all go on welfare in order to prove that we love our children? (Oops, I forgot -- even welfare moms have to work now.)

By the way, I work -- and my nanny does not "mother" my child. You are sooooooooooooo judging me. Get a life.

Wow, you're too quick to jump on this one. She's not talking about working mothers, but mothers that have no interest in being a mom. That's a huge difference!!

Oh, I get it...there's an epidemic of mothers who have no interest in being a mom....WTF?

No one said an epidemic, but don't you know a few moms like this? I think we all do.

[Anonymous]

My mother didn't work outside the home. I recognize now that she was probably suffering from depression through my childhood, but all I remember was her sitting in a large, luxurious house, reading the paper and saying "hmm" as I recounted my day (unasked by her). We pretty much fended for ourselves from kindergarten on. I honestly have no more than a handful of fun, positive memories of my mother. For the decade after I left the house, I was incredulous and resentful whenever she tried to be involved in my life. My attitude towards her could be summed up as "Whatever". Now, I'm swinging the other way. We talk on the phone every week or ten days, I ask for baby advice, we do visits every two or three months. But it's taken me to the age of 30+ to not feel weird and awkward around her. I still stiffen up a little when she tries to hug me. I can't imagine leaving my child with her for more than an afternoon. These memories make me strive to be a better, warmer mother to my daughter than I might otherwise be.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I get it...there's an epidemic of mothers who have no interest in being a mom....WTF?

No one said an epidemic, but don't you know a few moms like this? I think we all do.

OK, here goes. I've never said this to anyone, and I hope this board really IS anonymous, but, I have found that I do not like being a mother. There, I said it. If I had to do it over again, I would not become a mother, knowing what I know now.

We're out here, trust me. But this isn't the kind of thing you just mention off-handedly in the check-out line or at Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OK, here goes. I've never said this to anyone, and I hope this board really IS anonymous, but, I have found that I do not like being a mother. There, I said it. If I had to do it over again, I would not become a mother, knowing what I know now.

We're out here, trust me. But this isn't the kind of thing you just mention off-handedly in the check-out line or at Thanksgiving.

How do you handle this? Do you have moments when you like/love it? What percentage of your time being a mom do you dislike it? Do you have a young child/children and do you think it will get better for you as you get older?

I'm just curious to see the other side to this story.

[Anonymous]

PP, you are not alone. That is why this topic came up. But, I think most moms find it hard to believe. It is better to be honest about your feelings. Would like to know more how you feel and cope. Do you think it affected your children?

[Anonymous]

i think this article speaks to OP's question in a sense:

http://www.naturalchild.org/peter_cook/feminism.html

this is not a slam on any individual mothers, but rather a look at the intersection of feminism, mothering and our cultural values...clearly there is no "one good path" to mothering in the modern era, but i fear we have forgotten how important and powerful the mommy-baby bonding dyad is in the first year in particular, but actually years 0-3 as these years are the foundation for an infants' mental health...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, I get it...there's an epidemic of mothers who have no interest in being a mom....WTF?

No one said an epidemic, but don't you know a few moms like this? I think we all do.

OK, here goes. I've never said this to anyone, and I hope this board really IS anonymous, but, I have found that I do not like being a mother. There, I said it. If I had to do it over again, I would not become a mother, knowing what I know now.

We're out here, trust me. But this isn't the kind of thing you just mention off-handedly in the check-out line or at Thanksgiving.

There are some days I feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

A few comments here....

First, I know exactly what the OP Is referring to (and FWIW, I think a few people really took her comments personallly and took this off track, but whatever) yes, I know what you are talking about - a detached kind of parenting, seemingly more interested in career or other things, etc. I have a good friend like this. He husband seems to step in with a lot of the cuddly stuff. But I don't necessarily think she is a "bad" mother. Just different. I suspect she was raised the same way and she turned out just fine. Her child is definitely still loved, but maybe parented in a way that I would not parent. Everyone is different and like I said, she turned out fine. She probably thinks my son is going to turn out to be a big wuss because maybe, in her iopinion, I am overly attached. Whatever.

To whomever asked if parenting was 100% what you thought it would be, I can honestly say yes. Please dont all jump on me! But I mean it and it is. I love it! Maybe it has to do with being older and waiting so long and also, it is somewhat healing to me because I had a terrible time growing up and now I get to love my son in exactly the way I wish I had been loved. Now, the way having a child has affected my marriage is another story.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, I get it...there's an epidemic of mothers who have no interest in being a mom....WTF?

No one said an epidemic, but don't you know a few moms like this? I think we all do.

OK, here goes. I've never said this to anyone, and I hope this board really IS anonymous, but, I have found that I do not like being a mother. There, I said it. If I had to do it over again, I would not become a mother, knowing what I know now.

We're out here, trust me. But this isn't the kind of thing you just mention off-handedly in the check-out line or at Thanksgiving.

I think you have tremendous courage admitting this. My experience is completely the opposite, but I can imagine how being a mother is not a good fit for some women.

The bottom line is that ALL parents need to ensure that their child has the experience of secure attachment to a nurturing and consistent primary caretaker in early life. If a parent is not in a position, for whatever reason, to be that caretaker themselves, then it is important for them to secure that relationship for their child in some other way.