DH wants to start his own business and I'm thinking of separating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like your husband has a good head for business. Why not figure out the costs you guys would have if you went back to work, the cost of a nanny and/or other childcare. Make him go out and find this childcare so that he has a sense of the finantial impact, and also the logestical impact. He may not realize that you are doing a whole lot of work that would otherwise be hired out. Factor in health insurance for a nanny, workman's comp, everything. Be sure to plan on vacation and sick days too, so he knows that even if the nanny doesn't come to work, one of you has to be with your daughter. Present this like a business case and tell him to find people to staff the positions that will be vacant with you going back to work. This may get through to him that you are doing a lot. Also, add in cleaners or erand runners, because those tasks won't get done either. If math and numbers and staff positions are his language, then speak to him using alanguage he understands. Present your family like a business and see what he has to say.

Excellent suggestion.

FWIW, my DH started his own consulting business a few years ago, right when we had #1. I'm a Fed, so there was (is/will be) no option of becoming a SAHM for me. Which I'm fine with, but when my own job hits a rut and DH has a new contract every 3-6 months, I get a little resentful.

I think you need to do the math, but you also need to do some thinking. You only have one kid. Committing yourself to being a SAHM for the next X years is not an option for a lot of us, especially when you're just talking about daycare for 1 (who is a year now, so costs get lower every year from here on out). I'd consider yourself lucky that you've been able to stay home for this long, and start researching job options (and saying that you're limited to one kind of position with a ridiculous commute making $45k a year isn't very realistic, it's a worst case scenario). Then present a counter argument that represents you meeting him halfway. If you make just enough to cover childcare but you provide health insurance and your DH gets to pursue his goal, then consider it his time to be the partner who takes a risk. Swallow your pride and realize that you are a team, and that everyone goes through periods in marriage (ok maybe not everyone, but I've been there plenty of times) when you can't stand the sight/smell/sound of your partner.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there is a lot going on here- and you seem to have very different visions for your future.

Please try counseling.

None of these issues are ones to get so upset over. You just need to talk to your husband and see if you have common ground.

Why not find a way to support your DH's goal? Maybe not "tomorrow"- but what about making plans for one year from now? Is there something you could do in that span of time to improve your positioning for a job- some networking or volunteering to improve your chances of getting a position YOU enjoy? Could you save up some money in that time too, and find a job with health benefits? Can you investigate a babysitting share, and perhaps a part-time position that provides healthcare?

As a partner in a marriage (also a woman), I think it is great to stay home with kids, or work, depending on what both partners want. But, I do not think it is necessarily fair for your DH to have to support you, to the detriment of his own life goals, such as starting a business. I think spouses should support eachother in their goals. Either you will find common ground that makes you both happy, or your marriage will end.

[Anonymous]

Even if you separate/divorce, there is no way to ensure that he will keep a stable job.

You do not sound like you have thought this through, OP. How are you going to support your family as a single mom?!?

[Anonymous]

"...we can't seem to get out of a rut we've been in for ages, and to be honest there is not a lot drawing me to him and a shared future anymore."

This is the real dilemma, not the paycheck.

If, when you remove his paycheck, you see nothing left in him that you want, then the relationship is done, and there is nothing to mediate.

If you want him, but you just can't figure out how to keep the family together without his salary, then you will work together to figure something out. Families do this all the time. Maybe it means he gives up his dream. Maybe you find a way to cut costs and make it work.

But the real issue is do you want this man, or have you just wanted his six figure salary? Be truthful to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"...we can't seem to get out of a rut we've been in for ages, and to be honest there is not a lot drawing me to him and a shared future anymore."

This is the real dilemma, not the paycheck.

If, when you remove his paycheck, you see nothing left in him that you want, then the relationship is done, and there is nothing to mediate.

If you want him, but you just can't figure out how to keep the family together without his salary, then you will work together to figure something out. Families do this all the time. Maybe it means he gives up his dream. Maybe you find a way to cut costs and make it work.

But the real issue is do you want this man, or have you just wanted his six figure salary? Be truthful to yourself.

I disagree. The OP made a baby with this man and like it or not she is tied to him in one way or another for the rest of her baby's life. This is part of what you sign on for when you make a baby: putting someone else's interests first, even when it is very hard. I can certainly understand why she would feel resentful, because it sure as hell doesn't sound like he's putting the baby first by putting their financial security in jeopardy. I think they need a plan, that involves the OP going back to work and easing into a career and some financial security. The husband needs to postpone his dream until her career is more secure. He also needs to take baby steps towards this new business, run it on the side while he maintains a regular job to get it up and running. 1/3 of all small businesses fail in the first year, entrepreneurship is a real gamble. I don't see how these plans can possibly be worked out without a good counselor.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't seem to be responding to comments. OP, an update would be nice but understood if you don't feel it. Good luck to you ...

[Anonymous]

agree with PP who says it isn't just about money. We all have to live and that takes money. Aside from that, husband won't be spending much if any time with the family if OP's description of the business running is to be believed. To me, that'd be the dealbreaker. Husband will get his dream job and OP and baby get what exactly? OP, any update?