8th grader DS closing out middle school with no friend group

[Anonymous]

this is a natural time for groups to fall apart. It may be a quiet summer for him - but camp or going to the pool may be good for him. high school groups can take a few months to form but there will be more kids.

[Anonymous]

A friend "group" isn't that important in high school, though. Kids (and adults) need at least one close friend, preferably a few. Friend groups can be great, but they also often involve a lot of turmoil, especially for adolescents. Focus on helping him make a few close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids has strong friend groups in 7th grade and they completely changed in 8th. And then completely did again more than once in HS.

My advice would be to encourage him to join something, anything, asap at the start of HS instead of trying to maintain those middle school friendships.

Is he into sports, theater, robotics or band? The HS might have some things going on in the summer to get ready and it’s a good way to meet people. I’d start looking ahead and there.

This is good advice. DS went into high school with a friend group from elementary/middle school but they all kind of went their separate ways once high school started. Not that they didn't still hang out together but each of the kids found another interest (football, golf team, band) where they made another group of friends and the friend group was no longer the core of their social lives. DS didn't get involved in anything and this was really hard for him. It wasn't until winter when he tried out for the spring musical that he found his "other" friend group. I am glad he did the musical but I do wish he had found something in the fall that would have expanded his network. I think it would have made the first part of HS much more enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just going to share this story in the hopes that it's somewhat helpful. It just happened yesterday.

DD is in 9th grade. There's a group of boys she's friends with who are somewhat cool. It's a long story, but the bottom line is the group of boys decided to all wear polos to school one day. Another kid, I'll call him "Larlo" also wore a polo and one of the cool kids said something to him like, "Ok but just so you know you're not in the group."

Knowing Larlo for years and that he's a sweet kid, this pissed me off. The de facto leader of the cool kids is my BFF's son "Zack". I don't know who made the comment, but I know it wasn't Zack because he would just never do something like that. But I asked my BFF to investigate if someone really did say something mean like that to Larlo.

Okay, here's where maybe some insight can be gained. Zack is such a nice kid, and never tries to hurt anyone. But when his mom brought this up to him, he completely unloaded about how incredibly annoyed he is by Larlo. That Larlo can "tease" people, make fun of them and it's "just a joke" but can never ever take anything back. Larlo will get upset and offended easily, when the way he treats others is worse than he is ever treated. Zack was raised right and would never be actually mean to Larlo or say that thing some other kid said to him about not being the group, but he understood where that kid was coming from. Zack was actually upset, kind of like it's emotional labor to make sure everyone is sensitive to Larlo's needs and it's really starting to get to him.

So while like I said Larlo is a nice kid I have known for years, it is also true that it is very easy to imagine that he would whine and be annoying and often play the victim. He's not a bad person- but- I can see him acting like this and other kids getting very annoyed. It's not like they are adults/teachers/parents or something, they are just kids, I am sure many of them feel like- who needs this?

I am not saying OP's kid or anyone else is necessarily like this. But I see posts like this often enough that I just want to stress that it's important to think about how your own kid may be acting. What might put other people off. It's so easy to paint other kids as mean and terrible (and not saying you are doing this OP. But we are all human. I probably would somewhat think that if my DC were in this sort of situation), but I usually find that social standing is not really an indicator of behavior and kindness. Some cool kids are jerks and some are nice. Same with less cool kids. To me, it's less about searching for nice kids (which obviously is helpful) and more about getting a better understanding of how to interact with your peers.

Alllll this to say-- OP, think about how your DS may be interacting with others. I totally agree with the advice to have him join new activities. Not only can he make friends that way, but if he finds things he is good at, he will gain confidence. Try to put him in low key camps or volunteering situations this summer. It's hard to force a group to hang out with out of a couple of 1:1 friendships that are already somewhat rocky. And back to my point, it's working on developing better relationships. It's not so much the initial connection that's the challenge- though it may feel that way.

Also - do you have family friends? Does he have cousins? My kids lean on those out of school groups (also friends from their theatre academy outside of school) during periods like this. Even siblings? Some forced summer sibling bonding never hurt anyone! There may be projects they can do together. I also really like the suggestion about HS having things going on in the summer. You or he can follow the instagram accounts of clubs and sports and see what's going on. Best of luck to him.

My God. No one can read all this sh@t!

I did. Solid answer. But my attention span is greater than that of a flea.

[Anonymous]

8th and 9th sucks for 75 percent of boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just going to share this story in the hopes that it's somewhat helpful. It just happened yesterday.

DD is in 9th grade. There's a group of boys she's friends with who are somewhat cool. It's a long story, but the bottom line is the group of boys decided to all wear polos to school one day. Another kid, I'll call him "Larlo" also wore a polo and one of the cool kids said something to him like, "Ok but just so you know you're not in the group."

Knowing Larlo for years and that he's a sweet kid, this pissed me off. The de facto leader of the cool kids is my BFF's son "Zack". I don't know who made the comment, but I know it wasn't Zack because he would just never do something like that. But I asked my BFF to investigate if someone really did say something mean like that to Larlo.

Okay, here's where maybe some insight can be gained. Zack is such a nice kid, and never tries to hurt anyone. But when his mom brought this up to him, he completely unloaded about how incredibly annoyed he is by Larlo. That Larlo can "tease" people, make fun of them and it's "just a joke" but can never ever take anything back. Larlo will get upset and offended easily, when the way he treats others is worse than he is ever treated. Zack was raised right and would never be actually mean to Larlo or say that thing some other kid said to him about not being the group, but he understood where that kid was coming from. Zack was actually upset, kind of like it's emotional labor to make sure everyone is sensitive to Larlo's needs and it's really starting to get to him.

So while like I said Larlo is a nice kid I have known for years, it is also true that it is very easy to imagine that he would whine and be annoying and often play the victim. He's not a bad person- but- I can see him acting like this and other kids getting very annoyed. It's not like they are adults/teachers/parents or something, they are just kids, I am sure many of them feel like- who needs this?

I am not saying OP's kid or anyone else is necessarily like this. But I see posts like this often enough that I just want to stress that it's important to think about how your own kid may be acting. What might put other people off. It's so easy to paint other kids as mean and terrible (and not saying you are doing this OP. But we are all human. I probably would somewhat think that if my DC were in this sort of situation), but I usually find that social standing is not really an indicator of behavior and kindness. Some cool kids are jerks and some are nice. Same with less cool kids. To me, it's less about searching for nice kids (which obviously is helpful) and more about getting a better understanding of how to interact with your peers.

Alllll this to say-- OP, think about how your DS may be interacting with others. I totally agree with the advice to have him join new activities. Not only can he make friends that way, but if he finds things he is good at, he will gain confidence. Try to put him in low key camps or volunteering situations this summer. It's hard to force a group to hang out with out of a couple of 1:1 friendships that are already somewhat rocky. And back to my point, it's working on developing better relationships. It's not so much the initial connection that's the challenge- though it may feel that way.

Also - do you have family friends? Does he have cousins? My kids lean on those out of school groups (also friends from their theatre academy outside of school) during periods like this. Even siblings? Some forced summer sibling bonding never hurt anyone! There may be projects they can do together. I also really like the suggestion about HS having things going on in the summer. You or he can follow the instagram accounts of clubs and sports and see what's going on. Best of luck to him.

My God. No one can read all this sh@t!

I did. Solid answer. But my attention span is greater than that of a flea.

I read it too. Agree, good point. The highlights for the ADHDers.

-Ask your kid some thoughtful questions to get him thinking about how he might be contributing to group dynamics in a way that is not ideal. "What would your friends say is happening?" Self-reflection and self-awareness. The ultimate gift.

My own 2 cents is you are over estimating the importance of "the group". The groups are a lot of drama. Join things (VERY important) and cultivate a lot of different friendships. My now rising junior DS had few friends at the start of high school. Just how it worked out for him. Our middle school splits and his closest friends either went private or to the other high school. He is social and has friends and is very happy. Lots of socializing outside of school. Still doesn't have one group. But he has a lot of friends.

[Anonymous]

We required our kids to choose and a participate in a school-related extra curricular activity each year. DS2 made the soccer team, so that was a solid help in finding some new friends. DS1 bounced around from club to club and eventually landed at the school newspaper. But in general, I think drama, band/chorus, crew, and track are good choices for kids looking to connect with others who are not sure what to pursue. (Remember that drama includes stage hands, etc, not just acting.)

[Anonymous]

Both of my kids ended middle school in a not-great place socially, with friend groups dissolving and 'frenemies' trending more to flat-out enemies. One just had long-standing friendships fade away. The other was more dramatic with school outbursts and all of them getting into trouble at school.

9th grade was a compete turnaround for both of them. I completely agree with signing up for an activity. Marching band was a lifesaver for one kid. Sports for the other kid. Theater is another option, tech crew is a great community if he's not actually into acting.

Both of mine built new friend groups that were far healthier than the old ones had been. Eventually both kids reconnected with a few of their old friends, but individually and very selectively - not as part of the old 'group' which was a pretty toxic dynamic.

Middle school sucks, but it's part of growing up and learning how to select and build healthy friendships. Congrats to your kid on getting through it, and I hope high school is a better experience for them.

[Anonymous]

There is so much good advice in this thread, but I will echo the PP who said you should try to see if your son's behavior could be rubbing people the wrong way.

There are two kids in my 6th grader's class who appear bright, friendly, and social from an outsider's point of view, but like the other story, my son tells me they often tease others, do some socially immature things, and when called out for their behavior or met with the same kind of behavior, have no capacity to deal with it. That's very annoying to the others in the class and so they don't really have a friend group.

On the flip side, my 8th grader with ADHD had a few rough years in 4th through mid-6th when his hyperactive behavior annoyed others and it took him a long time to develop a small friend group, that's made up other kids with ADHD or really calm, mature kids who can see beyond the annoying parts and appreciate the neurodivergent thinking.

Good luck to your son. So many of us end up with a totally new set of friends in high school. I'm sure he will find his group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8th and 9th sucks for 75 percent of boys.

And girls. I have one of each and both had rough years in 8th and the beginning of 9th. Both joined fall sports in 9th and it made it easier to meet people right away in Aug. Join anything. They don’t have to live it. Mine didn’t end up continuing the sports but met kids from the other middle schools and it made the first weeks better.

Spring of 9th was better and that’s when some real friendships developed.

[Anonymous]

My kids had a couple very close friends, best friends, that had nothing to do with their high school activities. But you still need those activities.

[Anonymous]

Agree with joining something ASAP. Cross country and theater are excellent options.

Also, as you noted that your family style of socializing isn't exactly modeling friend making, it might be helpful to seek some books for him on joining a group and being a friend. There are a lot of options out there, some are written for kids with ASD, but are actually helpful for shy kids and introverts too. Or go old school with "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just going to share this story in the hopes that it's somewhat helpful. It just happened yesterday.

DD is in 9th grade. There's a group of boys she's friends with who are somewhat cool. It's a long story, but the bottom line is the group of boys decided to all wear polos to school one day. Another kid, I'll call him "Larlo" also wore a polo and one of the cool kids said something to him like, "Ok but just so you know you're not in the group."

Knowing Larlo for years and that he's a sweet kid, this pissed me off. The de facto leader of the cool kids is my BFF's son "Zack". I don't know who made the comment, but I know it wasn't Zack because he would just never do something like that. But I asked my BFF to investigate if someone really did say something mean like that to Larlo.

Okay, here's where maybe some insight can be gained. Zack is such a nice kid, and never tries to hurt anyone. But when his mom brought this up to him, he completely unloaded about how incredibly annoyed he is by Larlo. That Larlo can "tease" people, make fun of them and it's "just a joke" but can never ever take anything back. Larlo will get upset and offended easily, when the way he treats others is worse than he is ever treated. Zack was raised right and would never be actually mean to Larlo or say that thing some other kid said to him about not being the group, but he understood where that kid was coming from. Zack was actually upset, kind of like it's emotional labor to make sure everyone is sensitive to Larlo's needs and it's really starting to get to him.

So while like I said Larlo is a nice kid I have known for years, it is also true that it is very easy to imagine that he would whine and be annoying and often play the victim. He's not a bad person- but- I can see him acting like this and other kids getting very annoyed. It's not like they are adults/teachers/parents or something, they are just kids, I am sure many of them feel like- who needs this?

I am not saying OP's kid or anyone else is necessarily like this. But I see posts like this often enough that I just want to stress that it's important to think about how your own kid may be acting. What might put other people off. It's so easy to paint other kids as mean and terrible (and not saying you are doing this OP. But we are all human. I probably would somewhat think that if my DC were in this sort of situation), but I usually find that social standing is not really an indicator of behavior and kindness. Some cool kids are jerks and some are nice. Same with less cool kids. To me, it's less about searching for nice kids (which obviously is helpful) and more about getting a better understanding of how to interact with your peers.

Alllll this to say-- OP, think about how your DS may be interacting with others. I totally agree with the advice to have him join new activities. Not only can he make friends that way, but if he finds things he is good at, he will gain confidence. Try to put him in low key camps or volunteering situations this summer. It's hard to force a group to hang out with out of a couple of 1:1 friendships that are already somewhat rocky. And back to my point, it's working on developing better relationships. It's not so much the initial connection that's the challenge- though it may feel that way.

Also - do you have family friends? Does he have cousins? My kids lean on those out of school groups (also friends from their theatre academy outside of school) during periods like this. Even siblings? Some forced summer sibling bonding never hurt anyone! There may be projects they can do together. I also really like the suggestion about HS having things going on in the summer. You or he can follow the instagram accounts of clubs and sports and see what's going on. Best of luck to him.

My God. No one can read all this sh@t!

Too long! Use AI to improve your writing. ✍️

[Anonymous]

I would try to find places _outside_ his school where he can have friends:

-sports
-temple/church
-scouts
- whatever you can dream up

if friends happen at school, then great, but still good to have different friends in different social situations. Putting all the friendships in any one place can be perilous.