10yo DD is constantly negative and I’m exhausted

[Anonymous]

Does she only complain to you? Or, does she act this way to teachers or friends? If only you, I would insist/ remind her that every conversation is balanced, the positive and the negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, she spends an hour in the car (how many times a week?) to do something you're making her do. She should be happy?
.

This was my exact thought. You set yourself up for this.

As PP said, you can tell her you don’t want to listen to her complaints. But you should also reevaluate your decision to force her into activities when you don’t want to her how she actually feels about doing them. There are other ways to help her develop interests than activities that require an hour drive and long term commitment.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think letting a kid this old have zero activities is the answer. She will wind up depressed and addicted to screens.

- mom to a teenager who has seen this trajectory

[Anonymous]

30 minutes to a lesson seems very far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think letting a kid this old have zero activities is the answer. She will wind up depressed and addicted to screens.

- mom to a teenager who has seen this trajectory

I agree with this. If the complaints are about the activities alone, and don't happen at other times, maybe let her know she needs to choose at least one activity to engage in. And then ignore the complaining. Sometimes kids son't see the rewards of the things parents do to enrich their lives until later if life. It sounds extra touch to handle when you're exhausted.

[Anonymous]

DS used to be somewhat similar in that he didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. He changed when puberty started, around 12. Became much more willing to try new things and activities. He is still pretty passive and doesn’t do a lot but at least it’s something.

If you possibly can, make her stick to at near one activity. It’s hard to get back in once you drop it and you are now a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy is so excellent for kids. They need a safe non judgmental place to talk. Seems your kid too

Not always. For a kid who is constantly negative sometimes it makes things even worse. It is an hour a week to complain some more with a person who is not only going to encourage the endless complaints but be really sympathetic to them.

OP if you are in the car driving and all your kid wants to do is to whine, say you can complain but first you have to tell me something positive about your day. Then you say something positive about your day and explain not everything went well but you like to concentrate on what went well (and if you need to make up something). If your kid can't come up with one positive statement tell her she can't complain and you guys can listen to a song in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think letting a kid this old have zero activities is the answer. She will wind up depressed and addicted to screens.

- mom to a teenager who has seen this trajectory [/quote


The screen part is on the parent. They are in charge of screens 100%. Not doing activities isn’t depressing for every kid. 2/3 of mine got more than enough socialization at school. I also get more than enough at work. Not every kid wants to be around others all of the time.

If she can come up with some ideas for what she will do at home, I’d let her skip the activities. I’d also talk to her when she’s in a better mood about how she’s acting. I get grumpy when I have too much going on. I’m an introvert like 2/3 of my kids and not enough alone time makes up unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. Not normal.
Where is the other parent?

It says in the post, single mom, other parent out of the picture for the last 7 years.

[Anonymous]

If your child is constantly negative across different settings, different types of supervision, and different social contacts, then you have an unhappy child. Can you focus on developing habits that encourage mindful gratitude? Can you try new family activities (not long-term commitments to organized classes but game nights, movies, baking) and see if any of those help your kid shift her attitude? If those small interventions don’t work, anxiety or depression could be in play. They are strikingly common, especially in kids who have experienced a parental separation. Even when the separation itself was not traumatic, children can later develop mental health challenges.

Check also on your own language and attitudes. This may not be your family’s challenge, so please know I am not trying to be accusatory. That said, kids are like sponges for adult negativity. They hear us complain about colleagues, other drivers on the road, neighbors, family, etc. When we have limited time together in the evenings, sometimes the volume of negativity is relatively high. That can set a tone for what a child perceives as normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your child is constantly negative across different settings, different types of supervision, and different social contacts, then you have an unhappy child. Can you focus on developing habits that encourage mindful gratitude? Can you try new family activities (not long-term commitments to organized classes but game nights, movies, baking) and see if any of those help your kid shift her attitude? If those small interventions don’t work, anxiety or depression could be in play. They are strikingly common, especially in kids who have experienced a parental separation. Even when the separation itself was not traumatic, children can later develop mental health challenges.

Check also on your own language and attitudes. This may not be your family’s challenge, so please know I am not trying to be accusatory. That said, kids are like sponges for adult negativity. They hear us complain about colleagues, other drivers on the road, neighbors, family, etc. When we have limited time together in the evenings, sometimes the volume of negativity is relatively high. That can set a tone for what a child perceives as normal.

Good advice.

I’m not sure I agree with the advice in some of the other posts to remind the kid how easy she has it compared to how the parent/s grew up - my mom angrily did this a lot and it just made me feel even worse and didn’t actually help me cultivate the tools I needed (gratitude, low dose anxiety meds, stronger relationships, a learned sense of purpose/perspective) to improve and pull out of it