Help - anxiety about accepting lottery spot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live out of the area now, but I remember the stress of the lottery so clearly. My oldest child was born in 2010, which gave us a year where every charter had its own lottery as well as all the DCPS, when OOB admissions were a lot more reliable all over the city, when people did a lot of shuffling in September and even October.

It created such an atmosphere of "is this the BEST choice" that it made people with really great options (as you sound like you have) really stress over which best option was BEST.

In reality, the best choice for your child is probably that you pick one of these 4 strong schools and then stop choosing. Don't enter the lottery for that child again unless there is a PROBLEM at school.

The "trading up" mindset is absolutely toxic and when I think of the DCPS lottery, that's what I think of. A lot of kids would have benefited more from the stability of staying in the one school for PK3-5th grade rather than attending 3 schools between August and November of PK3 and then 2 other schools before middle school due to lottery "winning."

100% THIS. The stability for your kid at a solid school is so important. Move schools if there is a problem. Do not move if there is not one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give it to you straight, because it sounds like you really need it. These are champagne problems. There are many, many, shitty things in life that happen to people (I won’t give you different scenarios because I’m sure you can think of some on your own). This is not a real problem in the grand scheme of life. Be grateful you have options, be grateful you can send your kids are safe, be grateful you have access to good education. I don’t know what else to tell you, but if this is what you get anxious about, you have a VERY long road of turmoil ahead of you.

I appreciate this, seriously — minus the last sentence — but I get it. If this were me I wouldn’t mind. It just feels like I’m experimenting w my kids because I’ll end up moving them twice if they’re unhappy.

You might pick the really really best school today. Then in 4 months kid is unhappy because other school has something they prefer...then they don't like that one...
This is really an endless cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will give it to you straight, because it sounds like you really need it. These are champagne problems. There are many, many, shitty things in life that happen to people (I won’t give you different scenarios because I’m sure you can think of some on your own). This is not a real problem in the grand scheme of life. Be grateful you have options, be grateful you can send your kids are safe, be grateful you have access to good education. I don’t know what else to tell you, but if this is what you get anxious about, you have a VERY long road of turmoil ahead of you.

I appreciate this, seriously — minus the last sentence — but I get it. If this were me I wouldn’t mind. It just feels like I’m experimenting w my kids because I’ll end up moving them twice if they’re unhappy.

You might pick the really really best school today. Then in 4 months kid is unhappy because other school has something they prefer...then they don't like that one...
This is really an endless cycle.

I think it is also important to be realistic that it is the PARENTS picking the schools. The kids, by and large are kids who will likely love the school one day and hate it the next for no discernible reason. The parents become unahppy with a school, or hear that another school has something they prefer, and then they don't like the current school and enter the lottery.

The kids are not driving these decisions until high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please, please find a way to manage your anxiety. If you start out this anxious, you are going to have a very long and painful road. A preschooler needs a solid, safe, supportive environment. I'm sure you'll get it at any of those schools. But they also need it at home -- which means you'll need to manage this anxiety.

+1. And this is the easiest which is elementary.

Either you get your anxiety under control or move to the burbs in a good pyramid and be done with choices.

No, the school choice issue will be gone but the anxiety will just find other things to focus on. Just go read the posts in the Fairfax forum. Work on the anxiety first.

I’d just like to say that this whole thread only exists because OP (a) recognized that her anxiety was interfering with her ability to do the right thing for her kids and (b) reached out for help. That’s a good first step.

Best of luck, OP. I know we are all rooting for you — even if it turns out you need to block DCUM for your own well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please, please find a way to manage your anxiety. If you start out this anxious, you are going to have a very long and painful road. A preschooler needs a solid, safe, supportive environment. I'm sure you'll get it at any of those schools. But they also need it at home -- which means you'll need to manage this anxiety.

+1. And this is the easiest which is elementary.

Either you get your anxiety under control or move to the burbs in a good pyramid and be done with choices.

No, the school choice issue will be gone but the anxiety will just find other things to focus on. Just go read the posts in the Fairfax forum. Work on the anxiety first.

I’d just like to say that this whole thread only exists because OP (a) recognized that her anxiety was interfering with her ability to do the right thing for her kids and (b) reached out for help. That’s a good first step.

Best of luck, OP. I know we are all rooting for you — even if it turns out you need to block DCUM for your own well-being.

Correct- and people are giving her honest answers - tough love, which is the best thing. No one needs to be coddled here when they come for advice- you come to an anonymous online forum because you want truth (at least I hope that’s what people are looking for).

[Anonymous]

In a few years you’ll wonder why you were so anxious over such a problem of little consequence. But you are here now and will feel the way you feel and are entitled to do so. You’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please, please find a way to manage your anxiety. If you start out this anxious, you are going to have a very long and painful road. A preschooler needs a solid, safe, supportive environment. I'm sure you'll get it at any of those schools. But they also need it at home -- which means you'll need to manage this anxiety.

+1. And this is the easiest which is elementary.

Either you get your anxiety under control or move to the burbs in a good pyramid and be done with choices.

No, the school choice issue will be gone but the anxiety will just find other things to focus on. Just go read the posts in the Fairfax forum. Work on the anxiety first.

I’d just like to say that this whole thread only exists because OP (a) recognized that her anxiety was interfering with her ability to do the right thing for her kids and (b) reached out for help. That’s a good first step.

Best of luck, OP. I know we are all rooting for you — even if it turns out you need to block DCUM for your own well-being.

Correct- and people are giving her honest answers - tough love, which is the best thing. No one needs to be coddled here when they come for advice- you come to an anonymous online forum because you want truth (at least I hope that’s what people are looking for).

I have given the warnings I did because I have seen this type of anxiety consume people, including me. It’s unlikely to just limited to this one school decision and OP is only at the beginning. Better to get a handle on it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please, please find a way to manage your anxiety. If you start out this anxious, you are going to have a very long and painful road. A preschooler needs a solid, safe, supportive environment. I'm sure you'll get it at any of those schools. But they also need it at home -- which means you'll need to manage this anxiety.

+1. And this is the easiest which is elementary.

Either you get your anxiety under control or move to the burbs in a good pyramid and be done with choices.

No, the school choice issue will be gone but the anxiety will just find other things to focus on. Just go read the posts in the Fairfax forum. Work on the anxiety first.

I’d just like to say that this whole thread only exists because OP (a) recognized that her anxiety was interfering with her ability to do the right thing for her kids and (b) reached out for help. That’s a good first step.

Best of luck, OP. I know we are all rooting for you — even if it turns out you need to block DCUM for your own well-being.

Correct- and people are giving her honest answers - tough love, which is the best thing. No one needs to be coddled here when they come for advice- you come to an anonymous online forum because you want truth (at least I hope that’s what people are looking for).

I have given the warnings I did because I have seen this type of anxiety consume people, including me. It’s unlikely to just limited to this one school decision and OP is only at the beginning. Better to get a handle on it now.

This. No anxiety personally but medical professional here and her anxiety is the issue and likely also manifest itself in many other facets of her life, not just school choice.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to give you some solidarity OP. This whole school choice/lottery thing has made my anxiety spike more than just about anything in my now relatively long, extraordinarily professionally and personally stressful life... There's something about the fact that its your kids, the unknowns, the relatively minor role we play in the decision but the illusion of control that is, at least for me, basically like wading through some kind of toxic gas.

The facts of the advice you're getting on this forum are correct, but I hope you'll ignore the tone/dismissiveness about the anxiety itself. You're not alone in this - the whole lottery system is just objectively majorly anxiety producing. I hope you find some ease/comfort soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to give you some solidarity OP. This whole school choice/lottery thing has made my anxiety spike more than just about anything in my now relatively long, extraordinarily professionally and personally stressful life... There's something about the fact that its your kids, the unknowns, the relatively minor role we play in the decision but the illusion of control that is, at least for me, basically like wading through some kind of toxic gas.

The facts of the advice you're getting on this forum are correct, but I hope you'll ignore the tone/dismissiveness about the anxiety itself. You're not alone in this - the whole lottery system is just objectively majorly anxiety producing. I hope you find some ease/comfort soon.

Thank you. OP here. I appreciate this.
I do think the existence of a lottery improve school quality in many cases, but it certainly creates a lot of anxiety.

It is a privilege to have this much choice, and also a bit overwhelming. Hopefully once our child is settled, the anxiety will go away (and then we’ll have to figure out whether to move in boundary or stay in our current neighborhood, another big question for next year!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re trying to make the best choice, but you don’t need to make the best choice.

Just make a choice, and then make the best of it. That approach, and not the school itself, is what will make the best elementary school experience for your child.

And don’t worry about the long run. Hardy/MacArthur vs Deal/JR doesn’t matter. My kid, who is now a senior, has friends who did both. Also friends who went to Oyster and EH and SH, friends who went to charters and application schools, friends who went private, and friends who moved away. And even though some of them had some bumps along the way, all of them are now doing fine. Among all of these perfectly fine schools, what really matters is not which school, but making the most of the school where you find yourself.

This, 100 percent.

School choice can drive you to madness because it creates the illusion that there is a "best" option. I know someone who literally moved her child 5 times during elementary school trying to chase the best. She created so much anxiety in her family.

This doesn't mean that there aren't options that are worth avoiding -- there are. Some schools will not be good enought. But if all four of these schools are Deal or Hardy feeders, they are all great elementary schools. Your kids will be absolutely find at any of them. Find a way to feel grateful for these option, pick one, and then get involved in the community and watch your kids thrive.

+1 This. We know someone like this as well. Perpetually complaining about the current school (including to families there who were happy and had no intention of moving). Kept accepting lottery spots to some other bright shiny object and spending hours driving their kids across town, only to find that that school had problems too (shocker -- no school is perfect, not DCPS, not private). This disrupted their kids' education a ton. My kids have held steady at the same school the entire time. Is it perfect? No. But they have had a wonderful elementary school experience and we have gotten to know the school and the teachers very well. My kids have done very well in school and I think this is mostly because we know the ins and outs of the school and our kids feel settled there.

Ugh. People who leave a school - it is most of the time because their kids aren't doing well. Occasionally for a feeder pattern, but the feeder pattern wouldn't be king if their kids were thriving where they were. The saddest stories I know are people who were stubborn about the "bloom where you land" mentality and realized too late they failed their kids who weren't blooming there.

[Anonymous]

My child just had to pick a college. After he committed to school 1, he was worrying that he made the wrong decision and that he should have picked school 2. Then he figured out that if he'd picked school 2, he would have worried that he should have picked school 1.

He realized that there is no "right" answer. You do your best to make the best choice and then go with it. It's a valuable lesson to learn at 18.