DC Disappointment in College Choice - Mental Health Challenges

[Anonymous]

How much are you paying? I’d have a hard time paying a ton of money if they are already saying it’s not for them and talking about transferring. We would be talking about community college and transferring, not therapy.

And yes, I also have a senior about to go away, not going to a top 25, and I have asked many times if this is what he wants because it’s so expensive.

[Anonymous]

Validate his emotions, but give him opportunities to get excited about his school. Take a trip to campus and really explore. Look up professors in his field(s) of interest. Talk with him about establishing those mentoring relationships early on. Is there a group chat or forum for his school/class? It would be great to connect locally with some other incoming students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey kid. Buck up and quit whining.”

There is your support, OP

This is the solution to 95% of the problems today’s kids have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just keep an eye on them. I have an older sibling who didn't get into their top choice (though they were at a top ten) and had a bit of a breakdown and ended up hospitalized in fall of freshman year after a self harm attempt. With medication and therapy she adjusted and graduated just fine from the school she did go to. But it was the first strong manifestation of her bipolar disorder. She's gone on to have a full successful career and life, but it’s just always going to be a factor.

Now I want to strongly emphasize that what my sibling has is rare and the vast majority of kids who are a bit bummed will be totally fine. But just keep an eye on your kids and keep talking and if you feel like something is off, get help.

Good advice. If OP feels something is off and warrants a psychiatric consultation, maybe it’s not run-of-the-mill disappointment…

[Anonymous]

I say trust your instinct and don't be put off by the people who tell you to tell your kid to buck up.

You could start by asking your kid, "You seem really upset about this. Would it be useful for you to talk to someone -- not just about this, but about other stresses you're having?"

Possible answers:
-What? No. I'm fine. I'm just upset about college, God!
-Yeah, that might be a good idea.

Then you know what's next.

[Anonymous]

Is this a cultural thing? Specifically among certain ethnicities?

I feel like this “my life is over!” due to not-T15 college rank occurs mostly among certain ethnic groups. Especially in Maryland and Virginia suburbs

If I’m correct, make sure your friends, relatives and neighbors and church members are not allowed to talk to your kid about college. And encourage your kid to spend the summer with a more diverse friend group maybe through a part-time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened to me. My friends all got into the top, top schools and I did not. I was not at all excited about the well-regarded but not tip-top college I was going to. We were all at a top high school and had been working towards getting into the top schools without really knowing why. I headed to college with a pretty crappy mindset about the place, with my terrible high school boyfriend two hours away, and spent most of the first six months focused on visiting him and not making any friends. I didn't join anything, didn't exercise, didn't really do anything, and my grades sucked. In hindsight, I was depressed, but did not understand it. I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend second semester, dealing with the end of that relationship, the depression, and the lack of friends by making a string of awful sexual decisions over the next few months that everyone seemed to find out about and that followed me for the rest of college, and having what was probably a breakdown at the end of the year, which I had to handle myself because my parents don't really believe in mental health things. I spent the summer before sophomore year reading mental health books at Barnes & Noble and pulling myself together, then I went to the campus mental health center when I got back in the fall.

You're already miles in front of where my parents were at this point because you're at least thinking about this. What would have helped me would have been someone to talk to about accepting the school and pivoting to making the best of it. Going in with a crappy attitude and not trying to become part of a community was killer for me. This is a life lesson that will carry through to jobs, etc. You have to become a part of a community, even one you don't love. I also would have benefited from some help learning about how to transfer schools, so at least I would have had some goals and some idea of the steps, and perhaps I would have understood that if I wanted to get out of there, I needed to ace my classes and not skate through. I just had no support for this and totally flailed, so had no chance to transfer out of there. This also hurt me when I applied to grad schools later on.

I will say that as horrible as this experience was, it was a massive learning experience for me, and I'm not sure I would be the person I am today without it. But honestly, it was brutal, and I'd take the risk that some help would have made be a bit less thick skinned and resilient than I am now.

NP wish there was an upvote feature, to me this is the most useful response.

[Anonymous]

If grades are good after first year why not let them try to transfer out if they want to?

[Anonymous]

Is your DC still in high school and home? Or they've already started college? If they're still home, get them to be concrete about what they don't like about their chosen school. And if they're not real reasons about the school itself, and more just about not goign where everyone else is going or whatever it is, if you don't know how to coach them then ask a school counselor or another professional what to do. I'm sure school counselors and therapists and even doctors who treat older teens all have seen this many times before, so start with some people who may already know your child a little. if they're already in college, I'd still ask the same people local to you what to do because this is literally something most of them deal with on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened to me. My friends all got into the top, top schools and I did not. I was not at all excited about the well-regarded but not tip-top college I was going to. We were all at a top high school and had been working towards getting into the top schools without really knowing why. I headed to college with a pretty crappy mindset about the place, with my terrible high school boyfriend two hours away, and spent most of the first six months focused on visiting him and not making any friends. I didn't join anything, didn't exercise, didn't really do anything, and my grades sucked. In hindsight, I was depressed, but did not understand it. I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend second semester, dealing with the end of that relationship, the depression, and the lack of friends by making a string of awful sexual decisions over the next few months that everyone seemed to find out about and that followed me for the rest of college, and having what was probably a breakdown at the end of the year, which I had to handle myself because my parents don't really believe in mental health things. I spent the summer before sophomore year reading mental health books at Barnes & Noble and pulling myself together, then I went to the campus mental health center when I got back in the fall.

You're already miles in front of where my parents were at this point because you're at least thinking about this. What would have helped me would have been someone to talk to about accepting the school and pivoting to making the best of it. Going in with a crappy attitude and not trying to become part of a community was killer for me. This is a life lesson that will carry through to jobs, etc. You have to become a part of a community, even one you don't love. I also would have benefited from some help learning about how to transfer schools, so at least I would have had some goals and some idea of the steps, and perhaps I would have understood that if I wanted to get out of there, I needed to ace my classes and not skate through. I just had no support for this and totally flailed, so had no chance to transfer out of there. This also hurt me when I applied to grad schools later on.

I will say that as horrible as this experience was, it was a massive learning experience for me, and I'm not sure I would be the person I am today without it. But honestly, it was brutal, and I'd take the risk that some help would have made be a bit less thick skinned and resilient than I am now.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's hopefully very helpful to OP, but also helpful to those of us whose kids haven't left for college yet but will soon. This "choice disappointment" has got to happen to so many, so all of this is helpful to think about.

I'm sorry it was so rough for you, but glad you recognize what you've learned from it that is helpful now.

And on transferring, I know when I was applying and then went to school, hardly anyone talked about transferring and hardly anyone did. I don't remember any new students in undergrad sophmore year, though I'm sure there were some. But having taken my DC's on college tours recently, I was shocked at how often the transfer rates were discussed and how many students not only get in, but get into really good schools transferring.

So yes I can imagine some counseling and support and people just asking you how you are and what you need would have gone a very long way for you. Hope things are good with you for the most part now!