Tired of being the bigger person, always extending the invitation, checking in etc. I want to be selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody will notice and no one will reach out or initiate.

This was my experience. Wish I’d stopped earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody will notice and no one will reach out or initiate.

this was my experience when I stopped reaching out for all but two people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most of my life I’ve been a terrible people-pleaser, and it works! People are pleased! But it comes at the expense of my never being obtrusive, difficult, insistent, etc. I am always listening, accommodating, inviting, planning, reaching out, checking in, making sure everyone else is okay. And I’m really tired of it.

What happens if I just…stop? Has anyone else evolved in this way? I’ve just turned 40 and feel like that has something to do with this change of heart.

I don't know what will happen if you just stop, but I think you should at least start cutting back. I was like you and kept going until I lost my shit and took it out on one of the people I pleased. I needed someone and, for the first time, asked for help. These people we cater to are takers and she had nothing to give. I wrote her a strong letter and she was blindsided. The people who rely on you and me to always carry the mental, logistical and emotional load do not have the capacity or desire to reciprocate. My life is much quieter, yet I feel higher esteem, since I abruptly stopped people pleasing. Basically, I match people's energy and effort. I'm also looking for new friends to start over and establish healthy balanced relationships.

[Anonymous]

Go on more vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most of my life I’ve been a terrible people-pleaser, and it works! People are pleased! But it comes at the expense of my never being obtrusive, difficult, insistent, etc. I am always listening, accommodating, inviting, planning, reaching out, checking in, making sure everyone else is okay. And I’m really tired of it.

What happens if I just…stop? Has anyone else evolved in this way? I’ve just turned 40 and feel like that has something to do with this change of heart.

There are 2 ways to look at this. For some people, age 40 is the age where you stop caring and that's the reason you stop being a people pleaser. For others, they try to stop because they are tired of people pleasing, but then they realize that the reason they became a pleaser in the first place was because they thrive on external validation. Which are you?

In either case, absolutely nothing happens if you stop. Try it out and see for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most of my life I’ve been a terrible people-pleaser, and it works! People are pleased! But it comes at the expense of my never being obtrusive, difficult, insistent, etc. I am always listening, accommodating, inviting, planning, reaching out, checking in, making sure everyone else is okay. And I’m really tired of it.

What happens if I just…stop? Has anyone else evolved in this way? I’ve just turned 40 and feel like that has something to do with this change of heart.

There are 2 ways to look at this. For some people, age 40 is the age where you stop caring and that's the reason you stop being a people pleaser. For others, they try to stop because they are tired of people pleasing, but then they realize that the reason they became a pleaser in the first place was because they thrive on external validation. Which are you?

In either case, absolutely nothing happens if you stop. Try it out and see for yourself.

I 100% thrive on external validation, but a lot of it comes (I think) from having a severely abusive childhood. (Unthinkable abuse from both parents.) I almost cannot tolerate any sense of being disliked. It’s a real problem.

I’m masterful at disarming people, am very charming, engaging etc. But I started being that way as a coping mechanism, I literally would have no idea how to be without this mask, at what point does the mask become the person? Ya know?

It’s funny: as a teen, I was the classic dour, rebellious kid and I really and truly did not care about anyone or what they thought. I definitely overcorrected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep walking, OP, you’re almost over the bridge of effs. Toss any you have left over the railing. Join us on the other side where we have not a single eff to give.

Free fall in’! Feels good

[Anonymous]

I've stopped, or I only put the time in when I'm really needed. A big benefit it you see what relationships really hold up.