Tired of being the bigger person, always extending the invitation, checking in etc. I want to be selfish.

[Anonymous]

For most of my life I’ve been a terrible people-pleaser, and it works! People are pleased! But it comes at the expense of my never being obtrusive, difficult, insistent, etc. I am always listening, accommodating, inviting, planning, reaching out, checking in, making sure everyone else is okay. And I’m really tired of it.

What happens if I just…stop? Has anyone else evolved in this way? I’ve just turned 40 and feel like that has something to do with this change of heart.

[Anonymous]

Just stop. Also make sure you ask people for help or a shoulder to cry on, to make sure that dynamic is two-way.

But if you want to scale back and put less energy and effort into those things, go for it. My guess is some people will ask you if everything is OK and if something is wrong, because they will sense a change. But if you feel like you are doing all the giving, and not getting enough in return, then definitely make a change.

[Anonymous]

Also just turned 40 and feel exactly the same way.

[Anonymous]

Stop putting in so much effort. Then you will realize who is genuinely your friend.

[Anonymous]

Same.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always been the other way.

[Anonymous]

Nobody will notice and no one will reach out or initiate.

[Anonymous]

Oh girl. Welcome. My motto is discomfort over resentment. It has been working wonderfully for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody will notice and no one will reach out or initiate.

Oh they will definitely notice and somehow be extremely offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also just turned 40 and feel exactly the same way.

+1

[Anonymous]

Stop. Focus on you. At least a third of ppl will drop off as you were the one doing the effort in those relationships. Be ok with it

[Anonymous]

Same. So over it. The real friends will reach out. The rest took themselves to the curb. Attract don’t chase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also just turned 40 and feel exactly the same way.

+1

Hahah this. I have a friend that I did this with and she can’t figure out why we don’t get together anymore…because we only did if I organized it. I know this from friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, how many friends do you have? Good friends. Count them. Then review the pattern, of communication, of effort.

As an example. I had a good friend of many decades. I came to realize that her communication with me was putting me on an email list with others. Then, I would respond personally to her. That and a couple of my efforts to see her cross country where she cancelled and I've realized she doesn't travel to see me.

Face the reality of people not putting in the effort -- they aren't your good friends.

[Anonymous]

Keep walking, OP, you’re almost over the bridge of effs. Toss any you have left over the railing. Join us on the other side where we have not a single eff to give.