What if you don't like girlfriend/boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are probably too young and inexperienced to understand why these are red flags and that people can’t change.
I would definitely discuss this with my kid.

This. I have brought up red flags, but not specifically mentioned the GF. Unless the kid is dumb, it will get him thinking. In the end you want HIM to notice the red flags. I think the biggest mistake parents are making is getting pushy. This will just result in defiance.

[Anonymous]

I talked to DD generally about what she is looking for in a relationship and how she knows it’s right for her. I didn’t say anything specific about the guy, but when they finally broke up, she said she knew I didn’t like him.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between asking questions out of concern/sharing vs being pushy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the red flags. My cousin had a bad relationship which truly derailed the course of his life for a good 10 years. My aunt and uncle really embraced her to be nice, despite reservations. They should not have.

You're assuming not embracing her would have changed the outcome, but I've never seen it work like that.

Yeah, not embracing her would probably have resulted in him doubling down faster. He probably would have gotten married and even had a kid sooner.

[Anonymous]

Eh, depends on your son's judgment and your relationship with him. In any case, tell him you support him no matter what and that you want what is best for him. I really wish I had a mother who was less laissez faire when I was growing up and spoke frankly about life lessons. Part of it was that she herself was very naive having married her first boyfriend (ended in a bitter divorce), but part of it was that she truly believed that I should learn on my own. With my own children, I have tried to offer support and also my insights. I try to encourage friendships and relationships with people who are kind and studious, and discourage friendships and relationships with people who are unkind and get into trouble.

[Anonymous]

You keep quiet, act kindly and pray they break up.

[Anonymous]

I have only seen it actually make them want to be with the gf/bf more. So not only did it not help, it made the situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with this - my college freshman dc ended up with serious gf that has a ton of red flags. Really his first serious relationship. At this age I don't think its really worth discussing with him as he has to figure all this out for himself but is there any value in being open about our feelings?

I need to hear more about what the red flags are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, depends on your son's judgment and your relationship with him. In any case, tell him you support him no matter what and that you want what is best for him. I really wish I had a mother who was less laissez faire when I was growing up and spoke frankly about life lessons. Part of it was that she herself was very naive having married her first boyfriend (ended in a bitter divorce), but part of it was that she truly believed that I should learn on my own. With my own children, I have tried to offer support and also my insights. I try to encourage friendships and relationships with people who are kind and studious, and discourage friendships and relationships with people who are unkind and get into trouble.

Agreed. The time to talk is before they have the bf/gf. Tell them to only marry hardworking, kind people like their mother/father is. Show them what low drama marriages look like. Go on dates with your own spouse still to show them what long term romance looks like. Debate things calmly in your own marriage so they know what arguments should look like.

At least that's what DH's parents and my parents both did to us. When we saw drama in our prior relationships, we ran away and knew it was a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably too young and inexperienced to understand why these are red flags and that people can’t change.
I would definitely discuss this with my kid.

This. I have brought up red flags, but not specifically mentioned the GF. Unless the kid is dumb, it will get him thinking. In the end you want HIM to notice the red flags. I think the biggest mistake parents are making is getting pushy. This will just result in defiance.

+1

There’s a really good book about this, “First Love” by Lisa Phillips -

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/first-love-lisa-a-phillips/1145619215

You can get some of the main takeaways by reading her interviews.

In general, it is helpful to be a nonjudgmental sounding board and ask questions “how do you feel about XYZ” or even “seems like you’ve done less XYZ while dating so-and-so; are you doing ok?” but overt pushiness almost always backfires.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the red flags. If there’s anything abusive, it’s irresponsible to keep quiet. But even if there isn’t, you can have general discussions about healthy relationships that don’t mention the GF specifically. And as others have said, listen.

I started dating DH very young, and my mom pushed for us to break up after a couple of years just because we were “too young to be so serious.” We eventually ended up married (almost 20 years now), but her behavior made things stressful and led to resentment (which has since resolved, but it took a long time!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The closest you can come to being open about it is asking questions.

+1 leading questions are great to prompt reflection and you might even learn more about what he likes too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with this - my college freshman dc ended up with serious gf that has a ton of red flags. Really his first serious relationship. At this age I don't think its really worth discussing with him as he has to figure all this out for himself but is there any value in being open about our feelings?

100% discourage them from having sex. Sex will only make the whole situation worse (potentially much worse!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep quiet, act kindly and pray they break up.

I could have written a very similar post to OP's last May when my child came home from freshman year. This is pretty much what I did, it ended in October.

I knew enough to see the flags and understand why my kid had fallen into this relationship. I had an opportunity after an incident to have exactly one conversation over the summer. In the weeks leading up to that, I spent time thinking about what the one message I would want to give if the opportunity presented itself. I figured I needed to be prepared with a to the point, hit the highlights, approach. I'd like to think that message was still in the back pocket when things got really bad and it was (beyond) time to get out.