At my wits end with this girl

[Anonymous]

Makeup wipes in the car. Car LEAVES AT 6 no matter what, or else consequences. A calm moment when she’s in a good mood and you are getting along, just gently mention that when she leaves the car without saying goodbye to you after you spend time driving her and have to spend time driving back, it hurts your feelings and that’s not how we treat family. Keep it light, but make your point and then pivot the conversation to something else. At a different time, ask her for help brainstorming how to make the morning calmer and more seamless so everyone can be on time.

Why do you have to leave at 6:00? How far away is the school?

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it was irritating, but it could be drugs or shoplifting or something. Keep in mind when these little things happen that it could be a big deal. Give her some space and count to ten and be grateful it’s just this.

[Anonymous]

Why not suggest she put it on in the car?

It’s totally normal for a 13 year old to have a phone (especially if she’s an hour or more away from home every day - that’s way more concerning honestly) but if it’s a morning distraction, then set up screen time limits.

This is normal behavior and she might be insecure about new acne. You really need to rethink this school - no school is worth the lack of sleep she’s getting.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to be 13, and you are her safe space. Be the rock that doesn't get frazzled when she is in the whirlwind of drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of poor decisions here on your part. At 13, she shouldn’t have concealer, a phone, or go to a school that you need to leave at 6 am to drive there. No school is worth that.

Adjust all these things and it will improve

This. If it's a private school then she may be under a significant amount of pressure to look a certain way. As someone who had to leave at 6:30am to attend my private school to get bullied my peers, I would say you might want to figure hout how to change a few things OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of poor decisions here on your part. At 13, she shouldn’t have concealer, a phone, or go to a school that you need to leave at 6 am to drive there. No school is worth that.

Adjust all these things and it will improve

This. If it's a private school then she may be under a significant amount of pressure to look a certain way. As someone who had to leave at 6:30am to attend my private school to get bullied my peers, I would say you might want to figure hout how to change a few things OP.

+1. There is no school on the planet that is worth a commute like that. It's only going to get harder as she gets older OP. A 6:00 am departure for a 13 YO is absurd. What's wrong with your neighborhood school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of poor decisions here on your part. At 13, she shouldn’t have concealer, a phone, or go to a school that you need to leave at 6 am to drive there. No school is worth that.

Adjust all these things and it will improve

This. If it's a private school then she may be under a significant amount of pressure to look a certain way. As someone who had to leave at 6:30am to attend my private school to get bullied my peers, I would say you might want to figure hout how to change a few things OP.

+1. There is no school on the planet that is worth a commute like that. It's only going to get harder as she gets older OP. A 6:00 am departure for a 13 YO is absurd. What's wrong with your neighborhood school?

+2 Seriously, you need to figure out a different school for this kid. Or move closer to it.
- signed a parent who thinks her own MS kid commutes too far for school, but leaves home at 8am!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not suggest she put it on in the car?

It’s totally normal for a 13 year old to have a phone (especially if she’s an hour or more away from home every day - that’s way more concerning honestly) but if it’s a morning distraction, then set up screen time limits.

This is normal behavior and she might be insecure about new acne. You really need to rethink this school - no school is worth the lack of sleep she’s getting.

There is a phone at school

[Anonymous]

This is totally normal and the “no phone or makeup” people are actually ridiculous. You just roll with it. She might on rare occasions be late because she is in a tizzy about hair or makeup.

Brainstorm with her about how to make it better. My middle schooler and I talk each night about what she thinks she needs to do the next morning, and we align on the time she gets up. Some days, it is “I will roll out of bed and go.” Some days, it is, “I have this new elaborate hairstyle I want to try and I plan to do three layers of lash primer and three layers of mascara” — well, if you want to get up at 5:30am, you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of poor decisions here on your part. At 13, she shouldn’t have concealer, a phone, or go to a school that you need to leave at 6 am to drive there. No school is worth that.

Adjust all these things and it will improve

OP, there are a lot of screen time restrictions and it’s really just for texting or music. The concealer was her own purchase; she’s not wearing crazy amounts of makeup, it’s just the concealer. I also wore concealer at that age due to acne, as does she. It’s a sensitive age.

As for the school, that’s not up for discussion. Our local public is really underfunded and poorly run, and so we go to a private that she LOVES and feels is worth the early leaving time.

I would suggest that you say something to her like "I know it's hard to figure out things like concealer the first time. How about you practice after school a few times (and if you want help or coaching I can help) and then you'll know how to do it really fast in the morning.

I would also give everything else up. I mean, she can't be rude, she has to put th phone away in the car if that's the rule, but the rolling of the eyes, the huffing and shoulder rolling and... all the things? par for the course, I remember (I'm 60 now!) doing them when I was a kid, you probably do, too, and I'd just let it all gooooooo.... TRY not to allow her mood to ruin your mood. That's hard, I know. So I'd have a few hard and fast rules (no phones in car, we take turns listening to music we want, and I'd help her figure out how to practice new things like concealer, mascara (in a few years), wearing nylons - omigod I'm old, I just called them nylons, yes, mine came from a L'eggs egg when I was 13!), etc and help her get that mornings are NOT for new things.

[Anonymous]

I'm almost 60 and I still remember the morning I was that age, putting on makeup in the bathroom mirror and my older sister barges in, all upset. She was dropping me off before going to work herself and I was running late. She literally grabbed me by an arm and dragged me out of the bathroom and out of the house to the car with my open eye shadow container still in my hand. The sad part is that I had only curled one side of my head with the curling iron and I was saying I can't go looking this way. I went looking that way. I was making her late. I made sure to get up earlier. It wasn't funny then but it is now. It's called being a young teen. This too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 48 and still have concealer mishaps that make me have to wash my face and start all over. That said, a 13 year old doesn’t need concealer at all and certainly not for school, so it’s too bad she’s already shackled to the makeup train. And she must be super tired if she has to leave the house at 6 am for school. Otherwise her behavior sounds totally normal.

13 year olds sometimes "need" concealer more than anyone. It is hard to be confident and happy with acne. They're not necessarily "shackled to the makeup train" because they don't like how they look with an oozing cystic zit in the middle of their forehead. Be grateful if that is something you or your kids cant relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of poor decisions here on your part. At 13, she shouldn’t have concealer, a phone, or go to a school that you need to leave at 6 am to drive there. No school is worth that.

Adjust all these things and it will improve

This. If it's a private school then she may be under a significant amount of pressure to look a certain way. As someone who had to leave at 6:30am to attend my private school to get bullied my peers, I would say you might want to figure hout how to change a few things OP.

+1. There is no school on the planet that is worth a commute like that. It's only going to get harder as she gets older OP. A 6:00 am departure for a 13 YO is absurd. What's wrong with your neighborhood school?

+2 Seriously, you need to figure out a different school for this kid. Or move closer to it.
- signed a parent who thinks her own MS kid commutes too far for school, but leaves home at 8am!

OP here. We actually are in the process of moving closer to the school, especially because it will also be her high school! But of course, it doesn’t happen over night. She’s expressed that the commute is worth it for her, and I make sure she has an early bedtime to make up for the lack of sleep she’s been getting.

[Anonymous]

Damn that’s an early start

[Anonymous]

You’re a good mom OP and you WILL get through this!