If your kid had a hook that might have gotten them a summer experience . . .

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry about your child's trauma.

I am in a position where I have to evaluate high school kids (different scenario than yours) and there have been a couple who have impressed me more than others in part because of their particular stories which included trauma. Like your son, the couple I am thinking of didn't leverage their trauma at all,in fact they didn't mention it. But they had a maturity and strength that was on a whole different level from those of other kids. So yes related but also independent from their past stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wrote:

"When he got the acceptance, he was convinced that he got it because the interviewer felt sorry for him. He is stuck on the idea that it would be "unfair" for him to take advantage of the opportunity."

You need to explain to your kid that we are living in an environment where people leverage their trauma to get ahead. It's normalized. That's why we have joky terms like "Oppression Olympics".

Americans believe in oversharing. And ask questions that would be shocking in other cultures. A lot of personal business gets put out there deliberately.

Your kid didn't do anything to leverage his trauma. The main lesson here is for him to communicate to his reviewers how he would like this to be handled in future college application recommendations. He could even write it on his brag sheet. For example (making this up): "I would appreciate it if reviewers would not mention the 2023 incident where the football captain broke my arm in the locker room during sophomore year."

What I tell my kids is that every strong candidate has unique qualities. And people often get picked for their unique qualities. And sometimes even just through dumb luck. But everyone qualified's turn comes up sometime for a combination of reasons we don't fully control. It's never an issue of 100% deserve or 100% does not deserve. Your kid presented his candidacy and was chosen. Now it's time to be grateful and accept, moving on from the application process to putting the best foot forward during the experience.

Great advice. I totally agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My high school aged kid has a great opportunity this summer, a paid research job related to what he thinks he wants to study. It was competitive, with maybe 5% of applicants getting a slot.

He is a kid with a pretty significant trauma history. I won't go into details, but he has been through a lot. He is usually very private about it, and certainly wouldn't bring it up in a college application, but his teachers at school do know, because he was part of the school community for some of the time when it was going on.

At his interview, the interviewer brought up the traumatic situations. My kid was a little taken aback. He had no idea how the interviewer even knew, but later realized it was probably in the letter of recommendations his teachers wrote. When he got the acceptance, he was convinced that he got it because the interviewer felt sorry for him. He is stuck on the idea that it would be "unfair" for him to take advantage of the opportunity.

He was a strong candidate. High stats, great EC's etc . . . So, while it's possible that one of the things they considered was that he accomplished all of this under circumstances that derail a lot of kids, I don't think the trauma was the only factor that got him in. I also feel as though, for a kid for whom a lot of things haven't gone his way, if this thing goes in his favor that's just evening things out. He's in a school full of privileged kids who, just like DCUMoms, spend a lot of time fixated on the possibility that some other kid might have a slight advantage over them, with little insight into their own advantages.

It wasn't the trauma itself, but the resilience and perseverance he showed to get through it and do well regardless might have given him the edge. And that's something he should be proud of. Help him reframe his thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My high school aged kid has a great opportunity this summer, a paid research job related to what he thinks he wants to study. It was competitive, with maybe 5% of applicants getting a slot.

He is a kid with a pretty significant trauma history. I won't go into details, but he has been through a lot. He is usually very private about it, and certainly wouldn't bring it up in a college application, but his teachers at school do know, because he was part of the school community for some of the time when it was going on.

At his interview, the interviewer brought up the traumatic situations. My kid was a little taken aback. He had no idea how the interviewer even knew, but later realized it was probably in the letter of recommendations his teachers wrote. When he got the acceptance, he was convinced that he got it because the interviewer felt sorry for him. He is stuck on the idea that it would be "unfair" for him to take advantage of the opportunity.

He was a strong candidate. High stats, great EC's etc . . . So, while it's possible that one of the things they considered was that he accomplished all of this under circumstances that derail a lot of kids, I don't think the trauma was the only factor that got him in. I also feel as though, for a kid for whom a lot of things haven't gone his way, if this thing goes in his favor that's just evening things out. He's in a school full of privileged kids who, just like DCUMoms, spend a lot of time fixated on the possibility that some other kid might have a slight advantage over them, with little insight into their own advantages.

It wasn't the trauma itself, but the resilience and perseverance he showed to get through it and do well regardless might have given him the edge. And that's something he should be proud of. Help him reframe his thinking.

OP here,

I think that's probably why it got mentioned, that the recommender felt it illustrated his resilience and perseverance. I just can't get him past the view that he only got it because someone felt sorry for him, and so it feels undeserved, even though his stats and EC's are excellent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid probably DID get the internship because of the trauma. I mean, with an acceptance rate of 5 percent something made him stand out. It had to be that. So there's no "overthinking" involved.

Why did it "have to be that"?

Maybe the interviewer was impressed with his resilience and achievement in moving through the traumatic experience. Nothing to apologize for.