Reserved relationship with family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work to be the change OP. Next gathering, choose a relative or two with whom to make a connection. Small steps.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can relate in that the get together aren’t driven by love or wanting to see each other but rather by the sense of duty. I think most elderly parent adult child relationships are like that, unfortunately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my teen DD would say, it's all very autistic-coded!

- family on the spectrum whose menfolk are all emotionally shut down, and whose womenfolk are slightly less so (but still reserved compared to the norm).

OMG. Not everyone is autistic! Please stop with this madness.
OP here. No autism. Just emotionally distant.

...except that with the bar being lowered for diagnosis, all these "emotionally distant" people may very well be on the spectrum. They may be functional and employed and marry and have kids - and be autistic. Which would explain a lot regarding what you just described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate in that the get together aren’t driven by love or wanting to see each other but rather by the sense of duty. I think most elderly parent adult child relationships are like that, unfortunately

Do you think so? Maybe it is like that but some families seem to really enjoy being together, have a lot of laughs and good memories, and share their lives with each other.

[Anonymous]

My Jewish family is like this. I think we are kind of autistic though. I rarely talk with my sibling because she seems uninterested in my life but happy to talk about hers. She also is extremely ungenerous to the point where if I want a small gesture or action from her I have to spell it out, and it’s usually ignored anyway. It’s too annoying for me so we rarely speak. I often think about when Jennifer Aniston described Brad Pitt as missing a sensitivity chip — that’s my sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is like this. I think it’s because we are part German. Everything is just matter of fact.

Eastern European, and my family is like that too. I am fine with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your family and the dynamics are not unique or unusual.
The get together are very important for the next generation, they will be close with their cousins.

What makes you think the cousins will be close? In our case DH has virtually zero contact with his despite all the reunions he was pressured to attend.

Because, I know three sisters who have a businesslike relationship but their kids became very close because of the time they spent together.
I know it’s a sample of one.

[Anonymous]

This is my family. I describe it as surface level. I talk frequently with my parents about what is going on day to day (like what our kids are doing for the week, what is going on with work, doctors visits we have, etc ) but the part that is lacking is any discussion on how those activities impact our feelings. Growing up we regularly got together with extended family and discussions were similar but lacking in emotional intimacy. It wasnt until I met my wife that I learned to be vulnerable and realized why I always felt a deep connection with my family of origin was lacking.

[Anonymous]

This seems exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my teen DD would say, it's all very autistic-coded!

- family on the spectrum whose menfolk are all emotionally shut down, and whose womenfolk are slightly less so (but still reserved compared to the norm).

OP here. No autism. Just emotionally distant.

...except that with the bar being lowered for diagnosis, all these "emotionally distant" people may very well be on the spectrum. They may be functional and employed and marry and have kids - and be autistic. Which would explain a lot regarding what you just described.

Then the diagnosis is meaningless. Whole cultures are like this.

[Anonymous]

Idk, what I observe is in some "close families", when someone moves away, that person is no longer paid any attention. This is by the group, not by the person who moved away. Other families are use to managing relationships living apart. Yes, they aren't all getting together like local families do, but family members, on a whole, are more skilled or care more about putting in the work to maintain relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This seems exhausting.

Same. Some of us don’t need to emote all the time. Someone can be emotional and it can be meaningless because it’s one sided, they talk but don’t listen. They want everyone to understand them, but don’t give others the same consideration.