Lying about finances and debt

[Anonymous]

This is bad.

You need to demand joint accounts and that you have to approve certain amounts.

He needs therapy. He has a habit of lying and it is not a good thing to have in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone dealt with this? Spouse and I have been together for a very long time. We have young kids. And this is the second time he’s come clean about lying about debt. He’s not a great saver but has never even come close to having a severe spending problem or lying about his.
Last year he came clean that he took out a 10k loan against his 401k to try and start a side hustle that failed. He paid off the loan a few months ago.

Now he tells me he has a spending problem and thinks it’s a mental health issue because he can’t stop and has racked up 15k in credit card debt in the past few months. Our combined income is 250k.


How do you come back from this? I feel like the trust is lost. What’s going to happen next. I don’t want to have to babysit his finances forever. Am I overreacting? How would you handle paying off the debt? Take over it or let him figure it out himself?

What is he spending it on? With young kids and two jobs, where is he finding the time to blow that!

[Anonymous]

Is he gambling?

[Anonymous]

Does he have adhd? My husband was bad with money before I met him and early in our relationship. He is better now. For years, he had money sent to his checking account which was all that he could spend each pay period. As he has gotten older, he has gotten better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he gambling?

Get rid of all those sports betting apps

[Anonymous]

Never mind the debt. What is his diagnosis first and then go from there.
No mentally healthy grown up with kids has a need to shop and then lie about it.
I bet he has no friends and he is constantly running errands.

[Anonymous]

Postnup tip from earlier great rec

[Anonymous]

You don't come back. I would not trust someone like that again. Cut your losses and divorce. Kids are resilient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If that's truly all the wasted/borrowed money, it's a fixable problem at this stage.

If he will allow full transparency, it's possible you can work out a way to control this problem together.

At your income that's a lot but not disastrous. He's asking for your help and you should help him and not leave him like some others have suggsted. Get him to see a therapist and you should do couples counseling.
Meanwhile make sure your money is going to a non joint account. Basically limit your own individual exposure.
Tell him if this continues that you should put your name as sole owner of the house and other large assets.

[Anonymous]

Pull his credit report and reports for all of the family (make sure he hasn’t taken anything out in your or the kids names).

Freeze all credit and get LifeLock or something similar so you get an alert if something new pops up. You take over all finances. He gets a cash allowance for his spending.

Get him into therapy to get to the route of this problem.

The postnup is also a good idea, although I’m not sure if it’s really enforceable.

[Anonymous]

My ex was like this. The first year he said he was 2000 in debt. Turned out the next year he said it was actually 20000. Then a few years later it was 50K. Lying about money never stopped. I separated finances. But then I left. His ADHD was too severe and he would not get help.

Will your DH get help?
Will you be able to take over finances and get a full transparency?
You need both of these.
And you need to tell him that the trust in financial issues is broken and it's his job to fix it.

[Anonymous]

I'd consider a few marital counseling appointments with an idea for him to write up a document dated that says In the next [x] months, I willl...." with agreed upon things. If he doesn't do, divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone dealt with this? Spouse and I have been together for a very long time. We have young kids. And this is the second time he’s come clean about lying about debt. He’s not a great saver but has never even come close to having a severe spending problem or lying about his.
Last year he came clean that he took out a 10k loan against his 401k to try and start a side hustle that failed. He paid off the loan a few months ago.

Now he tells me he has a spending problem and thinks it’s a mental health issue because he can’t stop and has racked up 15k in credit card debt in the past few months. Our combined income is 250k.


How do you come back from this? I feel like the trust is lost. What’s going to happen next. I don’t want to have to babysit his finances forever. Am I overreacting? How would you handle paying off the debt? Take over it or let him figure it out himself?

What else is he hiding?
Not a reason to end this marriage but this is bad.

[Anonymous]

Since you two are married & his debt can be yours as well, then your husband has a huge responsibility to manage his finances.

He needs to learn to dot his P’s and Q’s and he can do this by getting himself some independent, financial counseling.

Are there any courses for this in your area?
Or you may possibly have to manage both of your finances together and set limits on how much your husband has access to.
It will be a headache for you to do so - but in order to avoid something catastrophic that will affect the entire family, you basically have no choice as of now…..

Hope your husband can secure the help he so desperately needs right now.

Best of luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

my ex-fiance used to be like this and had over 80K worth of credit card or personal debt. Her issue is same - she has a spending problem and spent 1-2x on stupid crap and hoarding, cosmetic stuff etc.

There was a few times she had problems in paying bills and I had to loan her money too.