Hate My Mom, Love The Old Woman She Has Become

[Anonymous]

This happened with my husbands maternal grandmother. She was a super difficult and honestly mean woman. She had a lot of trauma and passed it down to my mother in law. Like generational trauma. She softened as she got older and my MIL did not know what to do with that. It then led to very complicated grief when she passed and a kind of rewriting of history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone else found this to be true? My mother was hateful beyond belief when I was growing up. Now she's like a kitten. My grandmother also softened up in old age. I wonder if this is a thing. I'm sometimes torn about which person she is and what my feelings for her should be. Anyone else?

Not the same situation but I am also torn about both my parents.
My mother was mentally ill and while she really helped bring out my talents (I was good at this one thing and she made sure I had access to opportunities even though she was a simple woman with no connections), she also screwed me up big time in terms of my self esteem, relationships, etc.
My father was a kind and loving man, but also very weak and immature and couldn’t or wouldn’t protect us from her outbursts.
I am having major issues with how to think of my parents, are they good or bad people?
I know it can be tempting for you to think that your mom has reformed and will be good to you now, but unfortunately you should expect some backstabbing when you least expect it. Don’t trust her fully!
I hope you can find peace eventually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but I contributed to that by cutting her off for 6 months in my 30s, after a paroxysm of abusive language, verbal attacks and insane accusations against my husband and I. She has since been a lot more circumspect. As a child, I didn't understand that being perpetually criticized and controlled was abnormal. Now she understands that I will just hang up and never visit if she says something too nasty.

People like that have a sixth sense about whether they are dependent on someone’s kindness, they seem to suddenly become super nice once they don’t have power over someone anymore
They never truly reform, just mask

[Anonymous]

My father has chilled out. I think part of it is that he's no longer responsible for raising people anymore, part that he doesn't have the weight of being the sole income earner for four people, and part that my mom died and she was a very difficult woman in multiple ways. A huge weight has been lifted off him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother enabled my sadistic narcissistic father, joined in on belittling and humiliating us, calling us names. Acted like his slave. She’s a little different now that he’s gone. I too wonder who exactly she is and was.

Similar story with my father. He never protected us from all the verbal outbursts, hoarding or crazy ideas of my mother.
Now he is the nicest man and showers me and my sibling with praise, though before he used to believe our mother’s crazy accusations towards us.
It’s like he is a chameleon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They start reverting so you like them better/pity them more/see them as fragile as they age and you want to help them out. Like children in reverse.

The circle of life if you are lucky. Some people get stuck with colicky babies and nasty elders.

Exactly, they are just scared you’ll dump them. It’s not real love which they are unfortunately incapable of

[Anonymous]

I'm experiencing the opposite. I loved my mom growing up and through my first child. Now it's like she's lost her filter and everything is a guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm experiencing the opposite. I loved my mom growing up and through my first child. Now it's like she's lost her filter and everything is a guilt trip.

This is more natural as nature prepares us for letting go of our parents and it’s easier to let go of a mean old person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. It was the other way around with mine.

+1

Mine has become increasingly cutting with saying hurtful things whenever and wherever. I have called her out when she would direct these at my DCs. The lady who was thoughtful and kind is no longer here. Replaced by an arrogant, rude know it all.