Struggling to Fit In

[Anonymous]

I think the key here is to talk to your son about his self worth and explaining how nobody else gets to decide who he is, only he does. Teach him to stand up for himself—if he doesn’t like what his cousin says he can say “knock it off” or “why do you care what underwear I wear?” —nothing mean because that’s not his nature, but he can learn to stand up for himself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it does belong in this forum because the issue is basically a cousin who sometimes giggles when another kid seems gay.

Struggling to fit in is still a problem for many gay tweens and teens some of who may not even know for sure that they are gay yet. If a nice 12-year-old boy is the artistic type will he struggle socially? Should he be keep being himself even if that means sometimes tolerating some teasing or giggles?

And is it really such a good idea to switch to boxers just because of peer pressure?

Where did you get the idea that this kid is gay? It’s not in the post at all. You have associated being artsy, being gay and being bullied. Do you realize that you are homophobic?

[Anonymous]

I think this forum can include mothers of sons who are dealing with anti-gay prejudice. Even if some of these "gay" kids are not, in fact gay, they can relate to what we had to deal with growing up. And it is also important to remember that you don't have to be gay to feel like a stranger in a world that wasn't intended for you.

I understand not switching your tween to boxers when he seems to like briefs. It could be upsetting for him to open his drawer and find out his favorite underpants have been replaced by new ones he doesn't want! Be sure to ask him first. This brings back some memories. When I was 13, most of the boys my age had already switched to boxers but Mom still kept buying me Hanes or Fruit of the Loom briefs from Kmart.

There was a super-cute, blonde kid in my class and I was happy when I found out that he also still wore briefs. When getting undressed for gym class, he was one of the few outgoing enough to strip down to just his underwear before putting on the gym uniform. So I was able to see that his brand of briefs were JOCKEY with that distinctive waistband.

One day, when his tighty whities were on display, the blonde boy caught a glimpse of my boner and out of nowhere, just asked, "---, are you GAY?" and within earshot of at least a few other boys. Instant deer in headlights.

At that moment, it felt like I was standing in a spotlight in the locker room. I was afraid I'd just been outed. Fortunately, nothing more was made of it. Some of the scariest few seconds of my entire teens.

[Anonymous]

It is common for LGBT teens to feel scared during this stage. And the boxers or briefs dilemma is likely to be even more challenging for a boy who is sensitive and at risk for being labeled gay.

Growing up, my brother was two years older and he was always the cool one and my hero. Seeing my brother and his jock friends occasionally hanging out at our house in their underwear made a big impression on me. Back in 1985, it was in style for a seventh grader to wear bikini briefs. To me, they looked like the underoos that I had worn as a kindergartner and, of course, guys did make comments ("Shane has blue underwear!") but it was all in good fun and no one got embarrassed at these sleepovers.

By the time that I was 12, I was already fully aware that I was different. I was nervous about gym class and when mom asked me if I wanted to switch to colored briefs, I completely chickened out and stayed in plain white briefs just to be safe. I wish my teen years could have been more like my brother's...

[Anonymous]

I wore tighty whities all through grade school. I can understand why someone who is not yet out would secretly like them but not wanna wear them to avoid suspicion. I don't think preferring white briefs has to be a sign that you are more feminine...

But my obsession with who was wearing them certainly didn't give me any straight boy points 😅

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is common for LGBT teens to feel scared during this stage. I wish my teen years could have been more like my brother's...

Awww, thanks for sharing! That's exactly what I'm worrying about right now-- that my son will feel second best and regret not having the social life that his cousin has. My sister-in-law thinks he should start seeing a therapist to help him with self-acceptance and coping skills. Do other people think that's a good idea?

DS is still semi-closeted largely due to privacy and safety reasons among other reasons as well and is mostly out only online in comfortable spaces.

[Anonymous]

Yep, totally seems like your DS would benefit from a therapist. Not a big deal. Just someone to talk to and maybe feel better about himself.

When The Producers[i] opened on Broadway twenty-five years ago, Nathan Lane said, "Mel Brooks thinks gay people are these funny little martians. Which is how I like to think of myself." I understand your concern about a sensitive, (most likely gay), son feeling lonely and second best. Many of us struggled to fit in growing up and by high school I was finally able to bond with my fellow outcasts. Your son will get to know some nice kids who will not just tolerate him but be advocates for him as well.

I graduated HS in 2003 from a small town in the low country of South Carolina. Definitely more boxers at that time and maybe a few of us still in briefs? I remember mostly changing before and after band competitions but most of us were too tired to really care. One of my buddies made a joke one time about how childish my tighty whities were but since we were friends I never thought much of it. Shared a room on a band trip and we both slept in the same bed in our underwear and honestly never thought twice about it. I think the gay stigma was so strong in small town that even noticing a guys underwear would get you picked on worse than wearing white briefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is a nice 12-year-old whose favorite subject is art class and I would say he does seem more creative and more sensitive than other boys his age.

Meanwhile my nephew is ten, plays ice hockey and is popular at his school. He sometimes giggles at my son because he thinks he seems a little, well, gay. My son usually just shrugs off my nephew and doesn't let it bother him. Over the Christmas break, I spent a night in the hotel room with the two boys. The kids had been getting along really well but then it was time to get ready for bed. My nephew stripped down to his boxers and my son got worried when he realized he forgot to pack his pajamas. I whispered to him that it was okay, he could just sleep in t-shirt and underwear like his cousin.

When my son came out of the bathroom, my nephew laughed, "Nice tighty whities!" My son blushed and rolled his eyes. Even though my nephew was just messing with him, my son was very embarrassed and hated looking uncool in front of a younger cousin. I'm afraid my son will likely face more incidents like this in middle school and high school and it seems so unfair.

Most of his friends still think there is something wrong with being gay or at least that it is second best to being straight. What's your advice?
Let him wear your panties to see if they feel better on him. If they don’t, you have nothing to worry about. If he feels more comfortable in your panties, tell him it will be okay and you’ll work through it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is a nice 12-year-old whose favorite subject is art class and I would say he does seem more creative and more sensitive than other boys his age.

Meanwhile my nephew is ten, plays ice hockey and is popular at his school. He sometimes giggles at my son because he thinks he seems a little, well, gay. My son usually just shrugs off my nephew and doesn't let it bother him. Over the Christmas break, I spent a night in the hotel room with the two boys. The kids had been getting along really well but then it was time to get ready for bed. My nephew stripped down to his boxers and my son got worried when he realized he forgot to pack his pajamas. I whispered to him that it was okay, he could just sleep in t-shirt and underwear like his cousin.

When my son came out of the bathroom, my nephew laughed, "Nice tighty whities!" My son blushed and rolled his eyes. Even though my nephew was just messing with him, my son was very embarrassed and hated looking uncool in front of a younger cousin. I'm afraid my son will likely face more incidents like this in middle school and high school and it seems so unfair.

Most of his friends still think there is something wrong with being gay or at least that it is second best to being straight. What's your advice?

Let him wear your panties to see if they feel better on him. If they don’t, you have nothing to worry about. If he feels more comfortable in your panties, tell him it will be okay and you’ll work through it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son's issues have more to do with self-image and envy, especially as it relates to masculinity. Twelve is a tough age but try not to worry about your son and his orientation so much. If he is gay, he will come to accept that and eventually realize that being gay does mean being second best.

As for me, when guys ask How can you wear tighty whities, I try to own it and respond, "Yep, I wear tighty whities. They are dorky but comfortable and I'm gonna keep wearing them!"

Devastating comeback, bruv

[Anonymous]

"Yep, I wear tighty whities. They are dorky but comfortable and I'm gonna keep wearing them!"




Sure, that's a great line! But I wouldn't recommend it to a shy, sensitive, mostly out only online 12-year-old boy. Isn't this an awkward age for most kids?

[Anonymous]

Did you lend him a pair of your panties to see if he feels comfortable wearing them?

[Anonymous]

Was he embarrassed because he thinks wearing briefs makes him look feminine? Does his cousin think tightie whities are gay?

The assumption is the vast majority of men who wear white briefs are straight. Most gay men would not wear them unless it’s a fetish...