"housewifery ennui"

[Anonymous]

OP, you had a bit of sympathy from me until you said your husband cooks dinner every night.

I do everything you do, plus I work 3 days per week, and my husband thinks he lives in a hotel/restaurant. I'm the manager, concierge, maid, cook, repairman, what have you. He works hard, and when he's home, he relaxes. I work hard, and I feel like I'm never done working since I "work" at home too ir nothing would ever get done and we'd live in a pigsty.

And, like you, I'm 8 months pregnant. And I have a couple of kids already.

[Anonymous]

Oh, lord, so you're just better than OP. Feel better now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is something going on besides a newfound concern over your husband's lack of tidiness.

In the work world, many (most?) people work jobs where you work on a project, you complete it and declare victory, you move on to another project - maybe a bigger one - and tackle that. It was for me. When I worked, we had maybe five or six projects going at all times, and one deliverable or another was always getting done, after which we got to celebrate and move on to bigger and better things. So work life was like a journey from one point to the next destination, and so on.

Staying at home is not like that. It is more like the ocean. The tide comes in, and the tide goes out. Kids get fed and then fed again. It's up in the morning, out and about, down for naps, down for bed and then do it all over tomorrow. The adage "a woman's work is never done" was meant to describe this perpetual doing and undoing of things. (I know, the adage is sexist. Hey, I'm a SAHD).

But it's not all scrub, rinse, repeat. Just like the ocean changes with the time of year and beaches grow and decline, you do get some things done that are more permanent. It's just that those things happen on a very long time frame. But they are good things. Your kids grow, you build friendships, improve your home, you take care of things that you could never touch when you were working, and you get to have special times with the most important little people in your life.

Enjoy the difference, and laugh a lot. And when you see PBJ fingerprints all over your newly cleaned counter, just think of the sea.

I love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is something going on besides a newfound concern over your husband's lack of tidiness.

In the work world, many (most?) people work jobs where you work on a project, you complete it and declare victory, you move on to another project - maybe a bigger one - and tackle that. It was for me. When I worked, we had maybe five or six projects going at all times, and one deliverable or another was always getting done, after which we got to celebrate and move on to bigger and better things. So work life was like a journey from one point to the next destination, and so on.

Staying at home is not like that. It is more like the ocean. The tide comes in, and the tide goes out. Kids get fed and then fed again. It's up in the morning, out and about, down for naps, down for bed and then do it all over tomorrow. The adage "a woman's work is never done" was meant to describe this perpetual doing and undoing of things. (I know, the adage is sexist. Hey, I'm a SAHD).

But it's not all scrub, rinse, repeat. Just like the ocean changes with the time of year and beaches grow and decline, you do get some things done that are more permanent. It's just that those things happen on a very long time frame. But they are good things. Your kids grow, you build friendships, improve your home, you take care of things that you could never touch when you were working, and you get to have special times with the most important little people in your life.

Enjoy the difference, and laugh a lot. And when you see PBJ fingerprints all over your newly cleaned counter, just think of the sea.

I love this.

Stunningly dull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ennui can exist on many levels and for many different circumstances. The opposite of your story is the spinster aunt who never married, had no children, enjoyed her gardening and yet later in life, wondered where all the time had gone. One of those old ladies stayed sad, complained about back pains and forgot her youth. Another old lady reveled in her garden, laughed when she thought about the old times, continued to wear things that didn't match and enjoyed the sunshine. Your reality is what you make it. It can be good or bad or a little of both. But it IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE. Buck up.

I'm not the OP. But thanks! Sometimes I need to hear/read that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another DCUM Princess. Sheesh! Where do they come from?

OP here.

Truly? A princess? If you saw me, you'd never say that in a million years. Uptight, maybe. But princess? Hmmmm, have to think on that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had a bit of sympathy from me until you said your husband cooks dinner every night.

I do everything you do, plus I work 3 days per week, and my husband thinks he lives in a hotel/restaurant. I'm the manager, concierge, maid, cook, repairman, what have you. He works hard, and when he's home, he relaxes. I work hard, and I feel like I'm never done working since I "work" at home too ir nothing would ever get done and we'd live in a pigsty.

And, like you, I'm 8 months pregnant. And I have a couple of kids already.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not comparing myself to you (or the "you" you represent). I am quite certain that there are many people who do a helluva lot more than I do, and do it better to boot.

I will keep in mind the admonishment to lighten up. But I'm curious, what are other people's standards for themselves? I gotta tell you, I am not taking on any big projects like refinishing floors or painting the basement walls (though I did ask our landlord if I could do the latter -- she said no). Just maintaining, that's all.

[Anonymous]

Why did you and your DH decide to have you SAH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is something going on besides a newfound concern over your husband's lack of tidiness.

In the work world, many (most?) people work jobs where you work on a project, you complete it and declare victory, you move on to another project - maybe a bigger one - and tackle that. It was for me. When I worked, we had maybe five or six projects going at all times, and one deliverable or another was always getting done, after which we got to celebrate and move on to bigger and better things. So work life was like a journey from one point to the next destination, and so on.

Staying at home is not like that. It is more like the ocean. The tide comes in, and the tide goes out. Kids get fed and then fed again. It's up in the morning, out and about, down for naps, down for bed and then do it all over tomorrow. The adage "a woman's work is never done" was meant to describe this perpetual doing and undoing of things. (I know, the adage is sexist. Hey, I'm a SAHD).

But it's not all scrub, rinse, repeat. Just like the ocean changes with the time of year and beaches grow and decline, you do get some things done that are more permanent. It's just that those things happen on a very long time frame. But they are good things. Your kids grow, you build friendships, improve your home, you take care of things that you could never touch when you were working, and you get to have special times with the most important little people in your life.

Enjoy the difference, and laugh a lot. And when you see PBJ fingerprints all over your newly cleaned counter, just think of the sea.

I love this.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your DH decide to have you SAH?

OP here.

Just circumstance. We had decided to move, then about three months before, found out I was pregnant (trying for awhile, so this wasn't an 'oops,' just a late but happy surprise). Job prospects in new city in my field are lackluster, and we were busy setting up house, learning new neighborhood, figuring out where to live, etc. So after 2+ months in brand new city not finding a job while I got bigger and bigger in the gut area , it seemed logical to invest in SAH-parenting to get us settled, and then take extended pre-birth leave to carry over to maternity leave after new baby arrived.

I am enjoying spending time with our first baby and having the time to exercise (wow, didn't do that with a 50 H/wk job) as well as spend time with our current child.

It's the housekeeping stuff that is triggering my least impressive traits -- uptightedness and nagging!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you and your DH decide to have you SAH?

OP here.

Just circumstance. We had decided to move, then about three months before, found out I was pregnant (trying for awhile, so this wasn't an 'oops,' just a late but happy surprise). Job prospects in new city in my field are lackluster, and we were busy setting up house, learning new neighborhood, figuring out where to live, etc. So after 2+ months in brand new city not finding a job while I got bigger and bigger in the gut area , it seemed logical to invest in SAH-parenting to get us settled, and then take extended pre-birth leave to carry over to maternity leave after new baby arrived.

I am enjoying spending time with our first baby and having the time to exercise (wow, didn't do that with a 50 H/wk job) as well as spend time with our current child.

It's the housekeeping stuff that is triggering my least impressive traits -- uptightedness and nagging!

Get a cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is something going on besides a newfound concern over your husband's lack of tidiness.

In the work world, many (most?) people work jobs where you work on a project, you complete it and declare victory, you move on to another project - maybe a bigger one - and tackle that. It was for me. When I worked, we had maybe five or six projects going at all times, and one deliverable or another was always getting done, after which we got to celebrate and move on to bigger and better things. So work life was like a journey from one point to the next destination, and so on.

Staying at home is not like that. It is more like the ocean. The tide comes in, and the tide goes out. Kids get fed and then fed again. It's up in the morning, out and about, down for naps, down for bed and then do it all over tomorrow. The adage "a woman's work is never done" was meant to describe this perpetual doing and undoing of things. (I know, the adage is sexist. Hey, I'm a SAHD).

But it's not all scrub, rinse, repeat. Just like the ocean changes with the time of year and beaches grow and decline, you do get some things done that are more permanent. It's just that those things happen on a very long time frame. But they are good things. Your kids grow, you build friendships, improve your home, you take care of things that you could never touch when you were working, and you get to have special times with the most important little people in your life.

Enjoy the difference, and laugh a lot. And when you see PBJ fingerprints all over your newly cleaned counter, just think of the sea.

I love this.

Stunningly dull.

If you need to be entertained, it is not the life for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, hormones could be a big part of it. I have tried several birth control pills, and was so happy to find one that didn't make me moody and insane...only to realize that I was getting inexplicibly angry at DH's sloppiness. Even after I dropped the pill, I'd get annoyed (though not angry) and we have had a cleaning person ever since (once a month). It has saved our marriage because once a month, cleaning up the pee/pubes on the floor (DEAR GOD HOW HARD IS IT TO AIM?) isn't my job. In between, I alternate between making him do it and just wiping it myself.

At least yours doesn't flat out pee on the toilet seat because he didn't bother to even lift it up. You should see what the toilet looks like if I'm traveling for a few days...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another DCUM Princess. Sheesh! Where do they come from?

Oh-kay.

OP, I like you, we would get along amazingly well.

[Anonymous]

There is an alternative to WOH to consider. It may not be for you but I think IF you can adjust your cleanliness standards a bit, you might find something more enjoyable to do with the time and energy that gets freed up.

I am a SAHM mom -- 4 yo in school and 2 yo at home and my husband acts like a college freshman around the house. My place was always organized and clean when I lived alone but I had a cleaning person. I find the housework tedious now that I have to do it myself. (Does your 3yo not contribute to the mess at all????) I refuse to spend all my time and energy attempting endeavoring to maintain by myself and to hold him to my high standards. Needless to say, my house is a mess -- or at least much more of a mess than I ever thought I would be capable of tolerating.

My advice is stop cleaning and start enjoying yourself more before baby #2 arrives. There is a dark chasm of time and space awaiting you between the time that #1 goes to school and you are left to care for only one during the day again. Enjoy your daughter. Things will never be the same with her once the second one is here.