So much more comfortable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a difficult person. Just make sure you don't end up being the MIL no kid's spouse wants to see.

This. My mom feigns ignorance as to why we don’t visit when she knows good and well it is literally because of her and how unwelcoming she has always been to DH.

[Anonymous]

He’s not your favorite and they both know, which is why he didn’t come. If they have grandkids, you’d better change your tune.

People are so damn rude.

[Anonymous]

Obviously I am more relaxed when it’s just my kids around but I have somewhat accepted they are all starting new chapters of their lives. My role is different but I still want to be part of the chapter! I have learned to embrace the chaos and fully welcome their partners at all family events. I frequently remind myself that life is too short for me to miss out on spending time with my kids because I’m uncomfortable or jealous or want things “how they used to be.” I’m a single mom and kids are 26, 20, 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously I am more relaxed when it’s just my kids around but I have somewhat accepted they are all starting new chapters of their lives. My role is different but I still want to be part of the chapter! I have learned to embrace the chaos and fully welcome their partners at all family events. I frequently remind myself that life is too short for me to miss out on spending time with my kids because I’m uncomfortable or jealous or want things “how they used to be.” I’m a single mom and kids are 26, 20, 18.

All great advice. I try to heed it and also to remember how gracious and open my parents were to my husband and my two BILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having my adult child visit without her significant other!

Will that change with time? Is it an indication that he is not my favorite? Or just normal because he seems more like company than family at this stage? 🤔

Are you difficult or is he or both of you? You can't change another adult, even your own adult children who were raised by you so just try to change yourself to be more accommodating.

[Anonymous]

Be careful with this. I think it's normal but don't assume your feeling is shared by your DD.

I know my ILs would love to spend more time with my spouse without me there, and I understand why.

DH does not like visiting them without me because they drive him crazy, treat him like a teenager. His dad (now passed) would very gruff and lecture him, his mom tries to turn him into a therapist (this has worsened since his dad passed). He prefers when I am there because it forces some distance and they behave in a more detached way. I am fine providing this for him even though it is somewhat awkward for me (because I know they don't want me there sometimes) because I hate how stressed he feels when he visits alone. There are also dynamics with his brother I wont get into here but they make it harder on DH.

With time I have developed some rapport with his mom and has gotten easier on both sides I think.

So just tread carefully. It is understandable to feel awkward with this new person who is suddenly spending time with your family and with whom you must share your DD. But remember she chose him, she's and adult and she has entered a new stage of her life where her romantic partner is central and you are not. Try to shift your relationship with her forward, to a place where the person she is with him can be integrated with the person she is with you.