Teen DD trying to repair a friendship. What should I advise her to do? She says a phone call is "weird"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your daughter asks what to do doesn't mean you should tell her. Encourage her to brainstorm and come up with a plan and figure out how to execute it.

Don't you seek advice from people in your life? There is nothing wrong with the OP and her dd discussing next next steps.

I would worry that the Queen Bee would use any apology to further humiliate your daughter. Finding new friends is the way to go. Is she in any activities outside of school?

DP but I never give my daughter full advice because I don’t know all the dynamics etc etc.

What I do is talk through options. Like - what do you think would happen if you did X? How do you think friend would react? Any other options?

Only your daughter knows this girl and her friends. If she goes in person to ask to apologize, some girls would be receptive to that. Others would make a power move and be rude back, since she has her friends with her.

Walk through scenarios with her but don’t tell her to explicitly do anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advise her to write a letter, perhaps!

No, don't put anything in writing. It will be posted and shared.

[Anonymous]

A letter, what is this Wuthering Heights?

[Anonymous]

She either needs to get comfortable sending a text that will be screenshot and sent around or she needs to apologize in front of a group. The group apology might actually garner some sympathy from the other girls that are around if she sounds sincere.

But she basically has to pick her poison or accept that this is what it is and try to move on.

[Anonymous]

Best approach is to disengage with prior friend. Time spent away is most likely path to eventually being friends again. No text, no letter. Smile and be polite if happen to encounter her, but do not engage.

[Anonymous]

Just let time heal the wound. No convo will go well at this age.

[Anonymous]

She could meet with girl, but at this point girl may not be ready to meet and that should be respected.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the Queen bee is also to blame and should also be sorry. I wouldn’t encourage my daughter to suck up to her. Move on and make new friends.

[Anonymous]

It is concerning that all the friends turned on her too. Again how old are they? By high school my experience is girls will not just blindly follow a mean Queen Bee. There is more peer self monitoring and if your daughter has been a good friend etc and the other girl is the mean girl, it won’t just be so cut and dry as a bunch of minions following a mean girl like it can be in middle school.

You have to lean into the opportunity to self reflect and take responsibility, which it sounds like you are doing. It might be she will need to pursue new friends.

In mean time I would walk up to her at school and give short and genuine apology correctly identifying her own behavior (no I’m sorry buts or I’m sorry if you feel) and if others are listening fine. Then she’ll know she did the right thing and whatever happens happens.

[Anonymous]

She can send a text saying she would like to call to talk and work things out. And ask if that is okay.

Apparently calling someone who isn't expecting a call is considered aggressive these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your daughter asks what to do doesn't mean you should tell her. Encourage her to brainstorm and come up with a plan and figure out how to execute it.

Don't you seek advice from people in your life? There is nothing wrong with the OP and her dd discussing next next steps.

I would worry that the Queen Bee would use any apology to further humiliate your daughter. Finding new friends is the way to go. Is she in any activities outside of school?

People with this type of advice have acquaintances not friends. They are independent which is just as bad and codependency, but they don't know that because they haven't done the work to understand that.

[Anonymous]

This is a teaching moment to teach your DD how to walk alone in the face of the dysfunctional girl group run by a queen bee. Good lessons for living as an adult woman. Your DD is stronger than you are giving her credit for! She is calling out the BS and standing on business. If those girls turn their back on your DD, consider it a badge of honor. They are weak sauce who can only follow the leader. Your daughter is a leader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can send a text saying she would like to call to talk and work things out. And ask if that is okay.

Apparently calling someone who isn't expecting a call is considered aggressive these days.

Absolutely true. Cold calling is rude and confrontative.

[Anonymous]

I think a text is good. She should keep it simple and to the point. If the other girl tries to turn it into something more she should just not respond.

“Hi Larla, I’d like to apologize for my part in our falling out. I hope we can move past it and focus on the rest of the school year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your daughter asks what to do doesn't mean you should tell her. Encourage her to brainstorm and come up with a plan and figure out how to execute it.

Don't you seek advice from people in your life? There is nothing wrong with the OP and her dd discussing next next steps.

I would worry that the Queen Bee would use any apology to further humiliate your daughter. Finding new friends is the way to go. Is she in any activities outside of school?

DP but I never give my daughter full advice because I don’t know all the dynamics etc etc.

What I do is talk through options. Like - what do you think would happen if you did X? How do you think friend would react? Any other options?

Only your daughter knows this girl and her friends. If she goes in person to ask to apologize, some girls would be receptive to that. Others would make a power move and be rude back, since she has her friends with her.

Walk through scenarios with her but don’t tell her to explicitly do anything

I strongly agree with this parenting approach. The goal is to empower the kids to make decisions and learn how to thoughtfully weigh the options. Not prescribe a specific course of action.