AC and cannabis dependency / addiction

[Anonymous]

NP. We went through this with one of my sons. He lived with us and still does. He has mental health issues and it was clear
To us that it was in part self medication, in part addiction and in part fun.

We decided our line in the sand was that we Could not tolerate It being used or stored in our house. We were willing to remove him from our home if he didn’t follow this rule.

Another thing we did was to remove him from our insurance and stop allowing him access to our vehicles. We never went back on that so he didn’t drive until he could buy a car and pay for the insurance. Good thing for buses and very supportive siblings who helped get
Him places.

Another thing we did was to eliminate alcohol in our house. We do have drinks when we go out but always have a designated driver or use Uber if we have even one drink.

We did not find therapy for him helpful.

This actually worked and there is very little substance use of any kind at this point.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing, PP. I have also considered removing alcohol from the house as a way to demonstrate that celebrations / daily life in general doesn’t have to involve substances. Also to show support for sober living. It wouldn’t be a personal hardship because no one in the household is a big drinker anyway.

[Anonymous]

Pot makes kids so lazy and derails them from having goals in life.

OP I hope that while he's still at home you are NOT paying for anything. No phone, no car, no spending money, etc. You know he's not saving his money, he's using it for weed and probably to treat his buddies.

Before our son was 18 we dealt with him and weed usage (since 16). We tracked him, took it from the house, grounded him, had talks with him, etc. He always said we were exaggerating things and overreacting.

He knew that once he turned 18 it would be "out the door", (no car, no phone, no money, no home) or simply respect the home and follow the house rules. He chose to stay home and he's on his 2nd year in College. Grades are good, however, he still knows that all can be gone but it is up to him now.

I know he still uses in College (unfortunately many kids do) but he knows that at home we have rules and boundaries he needs to respect.

I hate to be that parent, however, he was raised in a very loving home and has always had everything he needs. He knows we mean it and he knows not to risk it.

We sent him to a Psychiatrist for evaluation at some point but everything turned out fine. We also tried therapy but that didn't do much.

I do feel for you as a parent, it's been a roller coaster of emotions for us. Lots of sleepless nights, lot's of anxiety for their future... but we know that allowing/enabling would be the worse outcome for all involved.

[Anonymous]

I think that it's not enough to be a gentle parent in this situation. It's necessary to set very firm boundaries.

Being a gentle parent in this situation will only harm your DC in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. We went through this with one of my sons. He lived with us and still does. He has mental health issues and it was clear
To us that it was in part self medication, in part addiction and in part fun.

We decided our line in the sand was that we Could not tolerate It being used or stored in our house. We were willing to remove him from our home if he didn’t follow this rule.

Another thing we did was to remove him from our insurance and stop allowing him access to our vehicles. We never went back on that so he didn’t drive until he could buy a car and pay for the insurance. Good thing for buses and very supportive siblings who helped get
Him places.

Another thing we did was to eliminate alcohol in our house. We do have drinks when we go out but always have a designated driver or use Uber if we have even one drink.

We did not find therapy for him helpful.

That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your experience.

This actually worked and there is very little substance use of any kind at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. We went through this with one of my sons. He lived with us and still does. He has mental health issues and it was clear
To us that it was in part self medication, in part addiction and in part fun.

We decided our line in the sand was that we Could not tolerate It being used or stored in our house. We were willing to remove him from our home if he didn’t follow this rule.

Another thing we did was to remove him from our insurance and stop allowing him access to our vehicles. We never went back on that so he didn’t drive until he could buy a car and pay for the insurance. Good thing for buses and very supportive siblings who helped get
Him places.

Another thing we did was to eliminate alcohol in our house. We do have drinks when we go out but always have a designated driver or use Uber if we have even one drink.

We did not find therapy for him helpful.

This actually worked and there is very little substance use of any kind at this point.

That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Anonymous]

We went through it and it wasn’t easy. We confiscated what we found in his room which was a lot - yes, as parents it had gotten so bad that we felt it was necessary to look through his room - (judge only if you have had a DC who was strung out on drugs and suicidal) and we confronted him. It did not go well and the road was rough. We set strict rules - it’s not allowed in the house period and you may not be under the influence in the house period. Did weekly drug testing all summer when he was home & weekly therapy and lots of talking. My guess is the he still does it from time to time at school but not daily like before, grades and motivation are up and he is thankful. Parenting is hard but my advice is to not wait.

[Anonymous]

Our AC, also paying their own bills is an addict as well. Tells us he's fine with it, it's all natural (comes from the ground), and he isn't going to stop.

Wish he would. If anyone has any serious ideas that actually answer OPs questions, we would be interested as well, because our son is not living under our roof, is not being supported by us, etc. But he visited for Thanksgiving, and while I don't think he was high, his car reeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes - living at home, working. Pausing college to get on track and reconsider if it’s the right time / choice for college. There are multiple underlying factors that make this terrible coping method understandable (??) even though we as parents are and have always been firmly against it and parented that way / sent that very clear message consistently.

We are working with their therapist w a few collaborative sessions to try to address this. It’s complex.

Just getting a sense of how others deal with this. Our influence as parents is just roundly dismissed on this issue. As with any addiction there are lies surrounding use. And infuriatingly it is always just up to the person to give it up. It seems like this generation is just so blasé about the impacts of weed use of any kind when they’re so young, especially. So sad about it.

Are they paying rent? Do they cover the other expenses of living via their job? What are you still providing that can and should be shifted to the ledger of a self-sufficient adult?

Your greatest leverage here, in the absence of a relationship in which they take your input on this seriously right out of the gate, is in what you financially support.

[Anonymous]

I agree that legal doesn’t mean safe or healthy. This can be and often is a “gateway” drug. Does your adult child use other substances or have behavioral addictions that you are aware of?
How old is the adult child?
I don’t believe kicking them out of your home is going to solve anything, but I do believe establishing boundaries and maintaining them is very important. What do you suppose was the catalyst for this? Do you know if they have had traumatic events in their past, or recently? If that is the case, the resolving the trauma with therapy will be a necessary part of the additional.Does your adult child work? Are they in school?
You are going to get many varied responses here as I see you already have responses but I haven’t read them all yet. I also don’t believe that one size fits all, you know your adult child best. But I wouid start with setting and main Tony boundaries and expectations, as well as counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes - living at home, working. Pausing college to get on track and reconsider if it’s the right time / choice for college. There are multiple underlying factors that make this terrible coping method understandable (??) even though we as parents are and have always been firmly against it and parented that way / sent that very clear message consistently.

We are working with their therapist w a few collaborative sessions to try to address this. It’s complex.

Just getting a sense of how others deal with this. Our influence as parents is just roundly dismissed on this issue. As with any addiction there are lies surrounding use. And infuriatingly it is always just up to the person to give it up. It seems like this generation is just so blasé about the impacts of weed use of any kind when they’re so young, especially. So sad about it.

I’ve seen my niece spiral flunk out of college now living at home aimless working the front desk somewhere and heavy cannabis use. It’s been a year since they’ve dropped out. And no indication of anything changing, returning to school, getting a better job. Weed use is complicated in that there’s the ‘for fun’ experimental side which I think many parents today are willing to acknowledge and not crash out over it. And then there’s the escapist, numbing, can’t deal with life use that creates a downward spiral catch 22 for young adults. It sounds like you have the latter situation. I would draw a harder line in the sand and or send stronger messages. otherwise you’re enabling this - I know you’re toeing the line trying to be supportive but you’re going to blink and the kid is going to be 28 and still stagnant.

[Anonymous]

Weed is the tough because those of us who consider ourselves “liberal” with thoughts like criminalization was wrong and it is just weed have a conflict when seeing the destruction it does to our adult children.

I have 3 friends whose AC are in rehab for weed dependency/ addiction. One in NY, one in Bethesda and one in Baltimore. The AC in NY is in good shape now. Thank goodness her parents acted quickly and got her the help she needed to get her life back on track. Unclear about the other 2. Flip side of the helpful parents in these situations is the parents whose behavior enable or even SUPPORT the behavior. It is pathetic to watch.

[Anonymous]

28 can easily become the 55 y old wake and bake / smoke before bed AC. Get the kid help!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our AC, also paying their own bills is an addict as well. Tells us he's fine with it, it's all natural (comes from the ground), and he isn't going to stop.

Wish he would. If anyone has any serious ideas that actually answer OPs questions, we would be interested as well, because our son is not living under our roof, is not being supported by us, etc. But he visited for Thanksgiving, and while I don't think he was high, his car reeks.

Where do you draw the line? I don't think it's is ever too late to set boundaries.

My 20 year old College son says the same thing about using it but he knows (by now) we don't condoned drugs at our home.

I've also told him that once he moves out on his own, he still needs to respect the home, including family functions.
It will break my heart if I have to deny him coming to the house during Thanksgiving, but I don't think I would want to be around him high/drugged.

It really is a family issue and they need to understand that...at that point we'd have done more than enough for him. He might choose drugs still but then that would be on him... sigh!

[Anonymous]

OP, you should try to get your AC into a residential program.