The fine line between not accommodating and unconditional emotional support

[Anonymous]

SPACE is cruel for autistic kids. You have to use common sense about when to accommodate and when to force them to do it. If he's dry heaving in the shower, you back off and try again the next night, or when you've figured out what to do to make him more comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SPACE is cruel for autistic kids. You have to use common sense about when to accommodate and when to force them to do it. If he's dry heaving in the shower, you back off and try again the next night, or when you've figured out what to do to make him more comfortable.

Hmm. I am not totally in agreement but somewhat. My kid has anxiety and autism and yeah, there is a difference between a sensory meltdown and anxiety. And even the anxiety has a different quality to it. But I am also not sure that SPACE would say you need to force a kid to do anything with extreme distress. And on the flip side, kids on the spectrum get into rigid routines so easily so you do have to be careful to make sure that the accommodation does not become the rule - if it is something they need to learn like hygiene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I disagree with the advice that you should force your kid to take a shower every night. I think too many people have a shallow understanding of what "not accommodating" means and how anxiety works. What you need to do is help your child face their discomfort in manageable ways. If your son has been taking showers without incident for 6 months and then one night totally freaks out about it, that tells me that, for whatever reason, completing the full shower was not "manageable" that night.

If it were me, I would give my kid some insight into how other people manage fluctuating stressors and say something like "Wow, you're really tired tonight. Lets just rinse your hair with water and tomorrow we'll be sure to start shower a little earlier." (or rinse his body with water or do a washcloth bath or whatever seems reasonable for the evening). You also try to figure out what might be going on (tired? sick? sensory overload from something else?) and address it so by the next shower your kid is able to succeed again.

As adults we all have times where we feel like we just can't deal with X even though we usually deal with X just fine, and we give ourselves a break. Kids have the same experience. It is totally appropriate to take that into account. I mean, if you knew he was hurting from an ear infection you wouldn't force it, right? You would offer some alternatives and return to the full shower when he was better.

I think this is good advice. Thee have been so many times we would find out later that there was a pretty significant (often physical) reason behind a big escalation in behavior. Especially if he can’t explain his feelings well. I am much less ridged 10 years into this.