Freshman Trouble

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs a bigger school.

Have him look into transferring.

Small schools are not always great they offer less hence less chance of making friends.

No, this is totally normal. He's not even a semester into the year yet! BFFs are made in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

My mom sent me a huge birthday cake, which forced me to invite everyone to my room to eat it.

[Anonymous]

My son is going through the same thing. He put himself out there and thought he’d connected with some kids in his orientation group, but discovered one of them lied to him about his plans to go to the football game their first weekend on campus. Said he wasn’t going to go and then DS saw him walking with a group of guys and the kid turned the other way to pretend like he didn’t see DS. I think DS is lonely and it makes me so sad for him.

[Anonymous]

So is he picky about friends, wants to be in a cool group or is he the type of kid that is happy being friends with lots of different types and groups? I guarantee he’s not the only kid alone on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom sent me a huge birthday cake, which forced me to invite everyone to my room to eat it.

Go, mom, that's great!

[Anonymous]

I felt that way all of freshman year and then it got better sophomore year and then I met my now husband junior year. Senior year was amazing.

I got a job and that helped—it was a place I HAD to be unlike a club where I could avoid it if I was feeling introverted.

He could get a job or commit to a volunteer gig. I bet he’ll make friends that way

[Anonymous]

So many go through this. Most, maybe. It takes time. I’m sorry he’s so far away. It helps to be able to come home and get a different perspective on it. My youngest applied to schools far and wide, but the best deal was 2 hrs away. In her second year and she just said to me recently, “I’m so glad I’m close enough to come home if I want to take a break.”
One thing I did was brainstorm about what sort of things made kid happy- go explore museums? Sport events? Volunteer somewhere? Run or bike club? Part time job on weekends? And then help them find ways to do those things. It’s a good life skill and they will meet like-minded people.

[Anonymous]

What sports did he play in HS? Encourage him to join intramural sports or club sports on campus. Low pressure but a great way to meet other kids and get some exercise. Club swimming is usually popular, and there are all kinds of fun options- ultimate frisbee, rock climbing, quidditch (called Quadball in college). If he’s into engineering, many schools have F1 clubs that are pretty cool. I told my son to not expect that he would make lifelong friends the first semester of college, and not to expect that he would be best friends with his roommate. Typically there’s a big shuffling of social groups that first semester, and the kids who bonded during orientation start to branch out and meet more people from classes, etc. My son really met his close friends sophomore year, and I think that’s pretty typical. Hang in there- it’s only mid-September and he will meet his people, it will just take a bit of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS goes to a smallish school but bigger than his high school (3500 + undergrads) about a 7 hour drive from home.

He thought he had picked the perfect school, and is very disappointed with how things have worked out. He has called home multiple times (including to his older sibling) about his lack of friends compared to the people he sees around him. He has zero plans this weekend, and is already hearing other people talk about theirs which is very stressful to him.

He is a mostly extroverted kid with some anxiety. He did great in high school once he found his crowd, is a good student, was a good athlete, and is not bad looking. He has joined a couple clubs but all there has been is intro meetings.

I know its early, but what can I tell him? When will things workout for him? Is it him? It feels like he goes into the weekends very sad and stressed, and has only had a couple nights out that he has been truly happy with.

This is the most telling part of your post. Looks like he struggled in HS until he found his crowd (even if he doesn't remember this) and that this is now happening again. He needs to do things to put himself out there. Clubs aren't meeting again? Then volunteer, go to school events, eat in the dining halls, talk to people in classes, start going to classes at the gym, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is going through the same thing. He put himself out there and thought he’d connected with some kids in his orientation group, but discovered one of them lied to him about his plans to go to the football game their first weekend on campus. Said he wasn’t going to go and then DS saw him walking with a group of guys and the kid turned the other way to pretend like he didn’t see DS. I think DS is lonely and it makes me so sad for him.

Good that he's putting himself out there. It doesn't always work out, but he should keep trying. Seems that kid had already found his "group." It happens, not necessarily personal.

[Anonymous]

DS didn’t find his people until he joined a service fraternity. There’s all kinds of activities built into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he rush? If not, he should. Pledgeship will give him instant belonging through structure and forced togetherness. It gets maligned a lot on this forum because of rare hazing incidents that go too far, but 99% of it is positive and it works especially well for anxious kids like yours who might have trouble letting their guard down and allowing deep friendships to form. By the time he goes through initiation, you'll no longer be hearing how lonely he is. When he calls home, it'll be to talk about what a great time he's having, the amazing parties he's attending, and the great-looking girls he has the opportunity to date.

You'll see the contrast when he and his high school buddies reconvene at Thanksgiving or Christmas. The ones who didn't rush will be reminiscing about high school and longing for the good old days. The fraternity men will be dishing story after story about their college experience. If he missed rush in the fall (or if like some small schools his doesn't allow first-semester rush) tell him to hang tight - spring will be here before he knows it.

Hazing as a remedy for homesickness? What terrible advice for someone's mental health.

[Anonymous]

Big schools are not the answer, making friends there is also hard. He needs to figure it out for himself.