Autism meltdown and family life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We also divide and conquer a lot. One on one outings are always more successful and easier to get ahead of a meltdown.

Same for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

They’re just spoiled and have learned what they can get away with. If they can keep it together outside of the home they are choosing to be a-holes at home. I would stop offering to take them anywhere. Go out with your spouse, tell them to make sandwiches or order them a pizza.

Seriously. You mean well but you aren’t helping them big picture.

RFK Jr has entered the chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teens with high functioning autism. Every time we try to do a family activity together — go out to dinner, to the pool, a show — invariably one or the other will get triggered by something (a change in schedule, not having the right item of clothing, whatever) and melt down. Yelling, screaming, retreating to their room. Then the event is ruined because we are too late, it has to be cancelled, etc. It’s just f’ing exhausting.
So the easiest thing to do is never try to do anything, because their immediate reaction to anything slightly new or outside of their comfort zone is “no!” I confess that I get annoyed by this, because I would like to occasionally go do things and, what’s more, I know that when we do manage to overcome their initial resistance they usually have fun together. But more and more often lately we are just getting bogged down in freak outs. If it’s not one of them getting upset about some tiny thing, it’s the other.
It’s hard for me to know how much they truly are not able to adapt versus their just being unwilling to. I never know how much to push it. I don’t remember why it wasn’t like this when they were younger. Maybe they had meltdowns (of course they did) and it felt more age-appropriate, or maybe they were just more willing to follow adults’ lead than teens are. It just feels like we never have fun together as a family and that makes me sad.

We gave up doing things together. We bring one child or thr other. Never both. Sometimes neither.
When we were chuldren, ourselves, ir was commin for parents to get a sitter and leave without the children. Now we take them everywhere and I dont thinknits always appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teens with high functioning autism. Every time we try to do a family activity together — go out to dinner, to the pool, a show — invariably one or the other will get triggered by something (a change in schedule, not having the right item of clothing, whatever) and melt down. Yelling, screaming, retreating to their room. Then the event is ruined because we are too late, it has to be cancelled, etc. It’s just f’ing exhausting.
So the easiest thing to do is never try to do anything, because their immediate reaction to anything slightly new or outside of their comfort zone is “no!” I confess that I get annoyed by this, because I would like to occasionally go do things and, what’s more, I know that when we do manage to overcome their initial resistance they usually have fun together. But more and more often lately we are just getting bogged down in freak outs. If it’s not one of them getting upset about some tiny thing, it’s the other.
It’s hard for me to know how much they truly are not able to adapt versus their just being unwilling to. I never know how much to push it. I don’t remember why it wasn’t like this when they were younger. Maybe they had meltdowns (of course they did) and it felt more age-appropriate, or maybe they were just more willing to follow adults’ lead than teens are. It just feels like we never have fun together as a family and that makes me sad.

You need to analyze the outings and see waht can be tweaked.

1. Is it the time oday? Is another time better?
2. What type of restaurant? Can it be quieter?
3. Can you do a dry run with each of them to get ready for the outing? Meaning, visit the place first so they know what to expect?
4. Can you break down what to expect and the plan, and then reward them if they stick to the plan?

It's not hopeless!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this stuff about “leave them at home, that’ll show them!” … “stop offering to take them anywhere” … “go out only with your spouse” LOL is that supposed to be a solution for someone whose sadness was entirely about not being able to go out together as a family?

These kids *want* to be left alone at home. That is in fact what they want most. Because they both have autism. Going out can be overwhelmingly stressful for them and so what is the most comfortable for them is to cocoon at home. Thus the parent’s sadness.

But then this is an OP problem, not a problem with her kids. If OP was lamenting her wheelchair bound kid was never up for ice skating, we'd all think she needed her head checked. We wouldn't let her wallow in sadness for the life she thought she'd have for her kids.

If you're saying OP's kids autism makes certain activities outside the house nonviable for them, then why is OP trying to make them do those activities? She should get over it, and get over her 'sadness'.

But i think the truth is closer to what you don't like: That of course her kids can manage outside the house without having a full on meltdown as high functioning ASD TEENAGERS. Kids are old enough for consequences and will presumably adjust their behavior accordingly very quickly, like teens do. If they are unable to adjust their behavior as a result of consequences, they're a lot less high functioning than OP is making them out to be - in which case, it gets back to my first point: OP has fairly severely disabled kids and she needs to adjust her expectations of the life she thought she'd have.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry that you are struggling. Just because it isn't happening now, doesn't mean it won't ever happen.

For events that you really want to go to, I would just go with your DH or friends and not include the teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are unable to function in society, why do you label them as high functioning?

If this is all you have to offer, why are you writing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are unable to function in society, why do you label them as high functioning?

If this is all you have to offer, why are you writing?

If you have no answer to the question, why are you writing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

They’re just spoiled and have learned what they can get away with. If they can keep it together outside of the home they are choosing to be a-holes at home. I would stop offering to take them anywhere. Go out with your spouse, tell them to make sandwiches or order them a pizza.

Seriously. You mean well but you aren’t helping them big picture.

Oh hey, someone else who has no idea about autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

They’re just spoiled and have learned what they can get away with. If they can keep it together outside of the home they are choosing to be a-holes at home. I would stop offering to take them anywhere. Go out with your spouse, tell them to make sandwiches or order them a pizza.

Seriously. You mean well but you aren’t helping them big picture.

Wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, mostly we do divide and conquer.
They do function “in society.” It’s at home, the safe place, that they want to be comfortable and resist strongly when that comfort is disturbed for things that they feel, unlike school, are unnecessary. Of course it doesn’t “matter” if we don’t all go out to eat together, or whatever. It’s just depressing to me.

They’re just spoiled and have learned what they can get away with. If they can keep it together outside of the home they are choosing to be a-holes at home. I would stop offering to take them anywhere. Go out with your spouse, tell them to make sandwiches or order them a pizza.

Seriously. You mean well but you aren’t helping them big picture.

Could be true, not enough information to determine that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teens with high functioning autism. Every time we try to do a family activity together — go out to dinner, to the pool, a show — invariably one or the other will get triggered by something (a change in schedule, not having the right item of clothing, whatever) and melt down. Yelling, screaming, retreating to their room. Then the event is ruined because we are too late, it has to be cancelled, etc. It’s just f’ing exhausting.
So the easiest thing to do is never try to do anything, because their immediate reaction to anything slightly new or outside of their comfort zone is “no!” I confess that I get annoyed by this, because I would like to occasionally go do things and, what’s more, I know that when we do manage to overcome their initial resistance they usually have fun together. But more and more often lately we are just getting bogged down in freak outs. If it’s not one of them getting upset about some tiny thing, it’s the other.
It’s hard for me to know how much they truly are not able to adapt versus their just being unwilling to. I never know how much to push it. I don’t remember why it wasn’t like this when they were younger. Maybe they had meltdowns (of course they did) and it felt more age-appropriate, or maybe they were just more willing to follow adults’ lead than teens are. It just feels like we never have fun together as a family and that makes me sad.

Same here.

I push in waves.

My MIL got overwhelmed, turned everyone into hermits and most still are. Only a couple got to college and realized there were other ways of living and doing things. Than staying home 24/7 and never interacting.

[Anonymous]

Can you turn an outing into a routine? Like, if you'd like to go to a restaurant every so often, why not pick a single restaurant that seems like a good fit, and plan to go every Tuesday night at 6:30pm?

If you want to go out with the family and they need a really predictable routine, that could be a middle ground. The first week or two would still be hard, but you wouldn't be starting at square one each time.

That also might, over time, slowly expand their comfort zone. Six months or a year from now, you might be able to do go out to eat at a different restaurant at 6:30pm on Tuesday and not trigger a melt down.

[Anonymous]

I get it. It’s ok to grieve what you thought you would have. I’m not sure a sit-down restaurant will be possible for us. Could you try a more informal place where you pay ahead of time so you can leave as soon as things get to be too much? Like PP said make it a regular thing and see if they build up a tolerance. I’ve always preferred outdoor dining because I can’t stand the noise or the AC cranked to arctic temperatures.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? I think the early teen years are miserable for plenty of families. My kids with ASD were no fun at that age. My neurotypical child was ALSO no fun at that age (I recall 13-15 as the absolute worst of it). I remember when my oldest was around 17, it was suddenly like she woke up and became a reasonable person. My younger kids followed a similar trajectory.

All that said, if my kids want to opt-out of an optional activity (a school play, dinner at a restaurant when it isn't someone's birthday), we leave them home. I don't like being dragged around, either.