Birthdays are so hard in a house of neurodivergents

[Anonymous]

A lot of good advice above, but I think its also good to talk less about feelings. Yes kids have "big feelings," disappointment, jealousy, etc. But you also don't need to treat these feelings like they are so very important and must be managed carefully and prepared for and prevented.
I would focus more on acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and be a little more matter-of-fact about feelings. Children don't need to be taught to focus on themselves and their feelings (they are pretty naturally selfish) but they do need to be taught how their behavior impacts others.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can so relate. We do mostly very understated birthdays and they are still very hard. ASD DS hates being the center of attention so has a very hard time on his own birthday and acts out because he is uncomfortable. ADHHHHD DD gets even more impulsive when there is any change to the usual routine. A cake? A balloon? Turn the lights off to sing happy birthday? Some impulse that I can never predict in advance will add some chaos. Youngest DC who has a combination of things going on has a very hard time with perspective taking and becomes dysregulated when anything is not equal - ie, it’s not their birthday. We do as much as we can to keep things low key and anticipate problems, but I am always walking on birthday eggshells. As they have gotten older, we try to take the birthday kid out for dinner on their own, which gives a bit of a break to the dynamics. I would love for it to be a whole family celebration/tradition, but that’s just not where we are right now.

I empathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of good advice above, but I think its also good to talk less about feelings. Yes kids have "big feelings," disappointment, jealousy, etc. But you also don't need to treat these feelings like they are so very important and must be managed carefully and prepared for and prevented.
I would focus more on acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and be a little more matter-of-fact about feelings. Children don't need to be taught to focus on themselves and their feelings (they are pretty naturally selfish) but they do need to be taught how their behavior impacts others.

I am the PP who can relate. This is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things)

STOP THIS NONSENSE

Yeah, this right here. Birthday comes. Birthday kid gets presents and a cake. Sibling throws a fit. Sibling gets put in time out or sent to another room or no cake, or whatever you determine is appropriate. If you don't teach them that not everything revolves around them I'm not sure how they will function in the real world. Start now while they're still young ish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are birthdays and holidays hard for any other neurodivergent families? I’m a mom with ADHD and two kids, an older one who is 9 with ADHD and anxiety and younger one who is 5 with ADHD, feeding issues (a step above ARFID), and poss. ASD. My DH is not neurodivergent.

It seems no matter what strategies we use - preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things), there are inevitably tears, disappointment, tears at gifts they don’t like, and big feelings and fighting between the kids. It’s so opposite from how I behaved as a kid (I was raised to suck it up when my siblings had their birthdays and I did) and my DH (he was the child of a single parent who struggled financially so birthdays were always very constrained) that as much as we both set our expectations on the floor for the day, the kids manage to eventually set one or both of us off with their behavior. We have tried years where we do less and the disappointment is even greater.

The kids have managed to make holidays, birthdays, and all holidays not about them (especially Mother’s and Father’s Day) fraught events that I have come to dread, despite putting in a big smile and trying to do my best to make it special for them. I wonder if anyone else struggles with this, because I feel like I’m completely failing at parenting.

Amazing that there are three in one family with ADHD/ND. What are the odds?

[Anonymous]

Holidays are often hard for ND kids, but part of what makes them hard is all the hoop-de-la. And you're doing way more than the normal amount of hoop-de-la. Pare it down, big time, and don't talk about it so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are birthdays and holidays hard for any other neurodivergent families? I’m a mom with ADHD and two kids, an older one who is 9 with ADHD and anxiety and younger one who is 5 with ADHD, feeding issues (a step above ARFID), and poss. ASD. My DH is not neurodivergent.

It seems no matter what strategies we use - preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things), there are inevitably tears, disappointment, tears at gifts they don’t like, and big feelings and fighting between the kids. It’s so opposite from how I behaved as a kid (I was raised to suck it up when my siblings had their birthdays and I did) and my DH (he was the child of a single parent who struggled financially so birthdays were always very constrained) that as much as we both set our expectations on the floor for the day, the kids manage to eventually set one or both of us off with their behavior. We have tried years where we do less and the disappointment is even greater.

The kids have managed to make holidays, birthdays, and all holidays not about them (especially Mother’s and Father’s Day) fraught events that I have come to dread, despite putting in a big smile and trying to do my best to make it special for them. I wonder if anyone else struggles with this, because I feel like I’m completely failing at parenting.

Amazing that there are three in one family with ADHD/ND. What are the odds?

Pretty darn good.

You do realize that ADHD has a genetic component. 3/5 of my household has it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things)

STOP THIS NONSENSE

Rude but correct. Being taught to suck it up was an underrated parenting strategy, so our generation of parents rejected it. But now we’ve overcorrected.

[Anonymous]

Stop celebrating them. Not all cultures do. Kids grow up fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things)

STOP THIS NONSENSE

Rude but correct. Being taught to suck it up was an underrated parenting strategy, so our generation of parents rejected it. But now we’ve overcorrected.

It appears that you consider expressing the truth to be rude, yet you do not see calling out how others communicate as impolite. This seems contradictory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are birthdays and holidays hard for any other neurodivergent families? I’m a mom with ADHD and two kids, an older one who is 9 with ADHD and anxiety and younger one who is 5 with ADHD, feeding issues (a step above ARFID), and poss. ASD. My DH is not neurodivergent.

It seems no matter what strategies we use - preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things), there are inevitably tears, disappointment, tears at gifts they don’t like, and big feelings and fighting between the kids. It’s so opposite from how I behaved as a kid (I was raised to suck it up when my siblings had their birthdays and I did) and my DH (he was the child of a single parent who struggled financially so birthdays were always very constrained) that as much as we both set our expectations on the floor for the day, the kids manage to eventually set one or both of us off with their behavior. We have tried years where we do less and the disappointment is even greater.

The kids have managed to make holidays, birthdays, and all holidays not about them (especially Mother’s and Father’s Day) fraught events that I have come to dread, despite putting in a big smile and trying to do my best to make it special for them. I wonder if anyone else struggles with this, because I feel like I’m completely failing at parenting.

Amazing that there are three in one family with ADHD/ND. What are the odds?

Pretty high considering those things are heritable

[Anonymous]

Take this as your sign to roll back. Roll back birthdays and probably other things —you have good intentions, but desperately trying to make your kids happy is backfiring you and they aren’t. Read the advice carefully and really take heed of what everyone is saying. You can’t control all the outcomes, so stop trying too hard, you may be accidentally causing the problems you are intending to avoid.

[Anonymous]

I posted up thread but wanted to post again to comment you are NOT a bad mom! You are having a hard time but that's ok! Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted up thread but wanted to post again to comment you are NOT a bad mom! You are having a hard time but that's ok! Hang in there.

Sure but she’s not doing her kids any favors. She’s raising kids who expect the world to revolve around them and their “big feelings”. Buckle up buttercup. The real world will be a rude awakening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are birthdays and holidays hard for any other neurodivergent families? I’m a mom with ADHD and two kids, an older one who is 9 with ADHD and anxiety and younger one who is 5 with ADHD, feeding issues (a step above ARFID), and poss. ASD. My DH is not neurodivergent.

It seems no matter what strategies we use - preparing for birthdays with them, talking about gift expectations and feelings and disappointment ahead of time, talking and practicing strategies for managing big feelings regularly, having a few small toys to open for the non birthday child, trying very hard to make their day special (usually the kids wake up to a decorated dining room, a table full of wrapped presents, and their favorite breakfast, among other things), there are inevitably tears, disappointment, tears at gifts they don’t like, and big feelings and fighting between the kids. It’s so opposite from how I behaved as a kid (I was raised to suck it up when my siblings had their birthdays and I did) and my DH (he was the child of a single parent who struggled financially so birthdays were always very constrained) that as much as we both set our expectations on the floor for the day, the kids manage to eventually set one or both of us off with their behavior. We have tried years where we do less and the disappointment is even greater.

The kids have managed to make holidays, birthdays, and all holidays not about them (especially Mother’s and Father’s Day) fraught events that I have come to dread, despite putting in a big smile and trying to do my best to make it special for them. I wonder if anyone else struggles with this, because I feel like I’m completely failing at parenting.

I would I just drop doing all this. My son has ADHD and would hate this and probably melt down to. We ask him what he wants to do and do that. Usually just wants to go to eat.

I also think with so much prep talk you are putting pressure on them. It is too much.