How to deal with a parent who is losing will to fight to live

[Anonymous]

You can't force them to live. You need to accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

You dont “gently ask.” You go find their doctor and tell them this isn’t like your parent and you think depression is a significant issue. You tell the doctor that you want an antidepressant prescribed unless they can give you a compelling reason not to do so. And you ask for an SSRI that might also help with pain relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You dont “gently ask.” You go find their doctor and tell them this isn’t like your parent and you think depression is a significant issue. You tell the doctor that you want an antidepressant prescribed unless they can give you a compelling reason not to do so. And you ask for an SSRI that might also help with pain relief.

OP here. I wish I didn’t have to be gentle with my approach. Despite all of its flaws, the healthcare system, attitude of doctors, and patient rights in the United States are light years ahead of most other countries.

I spent the last two days doing my best advocating for my parent and I see some changes in the approach of hospital staff. It is too early to tell if this will make any difference, but my parent finally feels heard.

Thank you all for your advice and being a much needed sounding board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all your replies. My parent is 73 and in Europe.

My parent chose the treatment. I haven’t made any decisions for them. However, the recovery is grueling and staff is reaching out to me to “push parent” to try harder.

I do suspect depression and exhaustion due to poorly controlled pain (I have no say in this and the pain might be due to the type of surgery). It has been heartbreaking for the entire family to watch my parent suffer and I am torn between continuing the recovery and what, at this moment, my parent seems to be asking for. The thing is, if we stop the recovery effort, they would linger in even worse pain.

It seems like an impossible situation.

Doctors claim there is a real chance for a full recovery.

Can any grandchildren visit your parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your parent? It most countries they are doing difficult surgical interventions on elderly patients. Let your parent recover on their time. If they don't have it in them to fight, then so be it.

This is hard to hear, given the narrative of “fighting” and trying to preserve through illness. But I’m of the opinion that the patient knows their body much better than doctors and family members. In full disclosure, I recently lost a parent. And I could see her spirit fading and a couple nurses were upset with her. The doctors thought my parent was doing great and they were happy with the progress. Parent passed a couple days after the glowing report.

I don’t mean to suggest that this is the state of your parent. But I do suggest that your parent has autonomy and knows herself best. In your spot, I’d try to make sure there were people and things that made her happy and then see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your parent? It most countries they are doing difficult surgical interventions on elderly patients. Let your parent recover on their time. If they don't have it in them to fight, then so be it.

This is hard to hear, given the narrative of “fighting” and trying to preserve through illness. But I’m of the opinion that the patient knows their body much better than doctors and family members. In full disclosure, I recently lost a parent. And I could see her spirit fading and a couple nurses were upset with her. The doctors thought my parent was doing great and they were happy with the progress. Parent passed a couple days after the glowing report.

I don’t mean to suggest that this is the state of your parent. But I do suggest that your parent has autonomy and knows herself best. In your spot, I’d try to make sure there were people and things that made her happy and then see what happens.

Thank you and I am so sorry for the loss of your parent. Deep down, I hope this is not our case. In reality, this is exactly what it looks like: glowing doctor reports and parent saying the exact opposite. OP

[Anonymous]

OP if you are there, do your best to make your parent get up and walk. I've had a couple of major surgeries, and walking played a major role in recovery, in particular the recovery of physical energy that leads to renewed optimism and a sense of "getting better".