When marriage includes being a step-parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, unless he (and you) undergo serious therapy this isn't going to go away all on its own. it's very telling that you're looking for ways to work with this/normalize this behavior.

[b]I'd give ending the marriage some serious thought.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Red flag. Do not marry this yeller. Protect your daughter and your peace. You can continue the relationship and reevaluate in 10 yrs when daughter off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Red flag. Do not marry this yeller. Protect your daughter and your peace. You can continue the relationship and reevaluate in 10 yrs when daughter off to college.

too late. If you read the post, OP said she’s already married to him.

Question for OP, did he yell when you were dating or did this start only after you were married?

I wouldn’t have any children with this man until you get this ironed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s all about context. I yell sometimes, but I also shower my kids with love, am very attentive, fun, ask lots of questions and we all have good relationships. You can also have an environment where everyone is always tense and anxious lest they upset the abuser - that is not the dynamic in our home. I know the yelling isn’t great but my kids feel safe with me, are open, can (and do) disagree and we have an overall happy home. That said, I really dislike yelling and apologize afterward, and yell less now than I used to. I know it doesn’t help anything.

However, if it’s something that you really dislike or find upsetting, it’s something you should talk with your husband about. Families evolve and bad behaviors can be phased out if the will and awareness are there.

I think you are a bit self-delusional that your yelling isn’t hurting your kids. Some kids in abusive environments become charming people pleasers who contort themselves to deliver the loving visage their (yeller) parent demands.

Please get therapy before you found yourself with a yeller for a son or daughter in law.

[Anonymous]

Yelling is NOT ok. This is not how two mature adults work through an issue. I also hate to say it but you brought a man into your home and you have a young daughter. Nice to hear he is hands on but I hope that you are being vigilant and don’t have your head stuck in the sand. There are a million stories about how pedophiles prey on young girls in these situations. Sad and lonely single mom and vulnerable child. Please protect your child at all costs. The yelling may not be the only issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a super toxic home, and often feel like I have no reference point for what's "normal" or healthy. I'm remarried after my first husband died and have a 9 year old daughter. My husband loves my daughter and is very hands on with her. An area that causes me concern, however is that when he gets mad at me in an argument he yells. I hate to have my daughter around this. Our home was very quiet and peaceful when it was just the two of us, and my first husband never yelled, so she has no early memories of such. How bad is yelling? I have talked with my husband about this and it still happens. He grew up with a lot of yelling, and thinks its less of a deal than I do.

I'm divorced and will never remarry again. Women just love being in relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He was not a yeller when dating. He doesn't yell at my daughter, only me. I am vigilant about sexual or physical abuse of my kid.

I am not a selfish mom. I ended up marrying him because he wasn't just great to me while dating, he was also great to my daughter. We will not be having any kids together, we've never wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The yelling is an issue.
Your husband should be able to use his words and express himself without yelling.

He needs to seek therapy for that ASAP

If not you’re raising your child in a hostile environment. Not fair. Especially since you came from a family as such.

+1

[Anonymous]

A lot of people normalize 'Dads vs teen daughters' especially on SM. I've been going through this at home and one of the reasons I'm still at home. My DH throws these little fits and gets very aggressive in her face, lunging at, even following her. He's in therapy and on meds. Altercations went from every week or every other week to once a month. How about if it were zero or once a year. It's exhausting and I fear it will skew her future relationships despite children being extremely forgiving.

[Anonymous]

Just saw that he only yells at you not the DD. Still an issue, but my PP comment was about the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do the two of you yell towards resolution? I mean, Italian Americans yell at each other to communicate - I saw it all the time growing up in Brooklyn. They weren't really angry, just passionate and it was their form of communication.

If you're yelling and your daughter is seeing the two of you resolve issues, then no big deal. If he's yelling "you're stupid" or "you never do anything right" or worse, then he needs to change.

OP here. My husband definitely yells when angry/irritated. We resolve issues a lot more quickly than my first marriage. We’ve never gone more than a day without resolution, and often resolve within an hour. In part because I hate arguing and any yelling.

Do you actually resolve issues or do you just give in because you prefer to give in than endure the yelling?

There’s a difference.

[Anonymous]

A yelling stepdad more than once or twice a year is a no go for me. He needs to be in better control of his emotions. He’s not a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was not a yeller when dating. He doesn't yell at my daughter, only me. I am vigilant about sexual or physical abuse of my kid.

I am not a selfish mom. I ended up marrying him because he wasn't just great to me while dating, he was also great to my daughter. We will not be having any kids together, we've never wanted to.

So he waited until you were trapped before the mask dropped. You fold like a lawn chair when he starts yelling. It’s only a matter of time before he starts yelling at your kid. This guy is bad news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was not a yeller when dating. He doesn't yell at my daughter, only me. I am vigilant about sexual or physical abuse of my kid.

I am not a selfish mom. I ended up marrying him because he wasn't just great to me while dating, he was also great to my daughter. We will not be having any kids together, we've never wanted to.

So he waited until you were trapped before the mask dropped. You fold like a lawn chair when he starts yelling. It’s only a matter of time before he starts yelling at your kid. This guy is bad news.

+20000000000000000

Do better OP for your CHILD and SELF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He was not a yeller when dating. He doesn't yell at my daughter, only me. I am vigilant about sexual or physical abuse of my kid.

I am not a selfish mom. I ended up marrying him because he wasn't just great to me while dating, he was also great to my daughter. We will not be having any kids together, we've never wanted to.

So he waited until you were trapped before the mask dropped. You fold like a lawn chair when he starts yelling. It’s only a matter of time before he starts yelling at your kid. This guy is bad news.

+100. This is how abuse works - they are nice to you, and their behavior doesn’t change until you are trapped. He picked you for a reason over a single woman without kids - your profile is more likely to accept boundary violations from him because you have the trauma of being a widow, plus trying to fill a loss for your daughter. It’s not your fault. You had no way to know that his behavior would turn abusive. But, it has and now you have to choose how to respond to his abuse.

Please get individual therapy. You need someone to explain coercive control and healthy communication to you and to help you set and enforce boundaries and think about a safety plan when you put up your boundary.

Please also get a lawyer and get advice about divorce. You need to set a boundary - yelling is not an acceptable form of communication under any circumstances. He must stop immediately & if he feels he needs support to stop then he should go to individual therapy. Do not go to marriage counseling. You are not doing anything to cause his yelling, and he is the only one to stop himself from yelling - thus, this is not a “couples” problem. Marriage or couples therapy is never appropriate with someone who is engaging in abusive behavior. Yelling is abusive.

FWIW, you do not have to set an explicit overt boundary about yelling. You can leave at any time without giving him a “chance” to correct his behavior. I wish someone had told me this when my fiancé first started yelling at me. But, I stayed, and over the course of the next 5 years, his abuse escalated to verbal abuse, coercive control, to raising his hand toward me (but not hitting me), and then finally raising his hand to me and threatening to “beat the crap” out of me and punching a hole in the wall. At the time, I was (and am) a well-educated woman, who knew a lot about domestic abuse and who had financial resources to leave. But, we are taught in our culture to “work “ on relationships with people we love, so I stayed.

I wasted years I can’t get back. It took me years more to understand that I was primed to accept yelling because I grew up with a parent who was a yeller in my household. I thought it was normal. If you stay and allow yourself to continue to be yelled at by your DH, you are teaching your daughter what other men and future relationship partners can do to her. The biggest favor you can do to her is teach her, by example, that women are allowed to decide how men treat them. We may not be able to make them treat us kindly, but we can control whether we remain in the presence of someone who is behaving unkindly.

I had 2 abusive fiancés (each in different ways). I left the second when our 2 kids were 18 months and five years. It was the greatest gift I could give them as a mother - to be raised at least 50% of the time in a non-abusive, non-neglectful household. They are the happy, healthy, independent people they are today because I made that difficult choice.