SIL not vaccinating baby

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree with that my BIL absolutely bears responsibility here. He’s not a helpless bystander, and it’s beyond frustrating that he just goes along with whatever she says without standing up for what’s right, especially when it comes to something as important as their kids’ health. Honestly, he’s generally an idiot about a lot of things, so this isn’t totally out of character for him.

That said, I don’t think I’m blaming only her or letting him off the hook. I mentioned what he said to us and how he basically doesn’t care enough to push back, which is a huge part of the problem. But practically speaking, she’s the one driving this decision. She researches (or thinks she does), posts about it constantly, and is extremely vocal about it. My BIL is passive, but she’s the active force.

I’m trying to figure out if there’s any way to get through to her specifically, since she’s the one so dug in on the anti-vaccine stuff. I’m not excusing him at all. He’s being weak and irresponsible, but if there’s a chance to change things, it seems like it will have to come through her.

I hear you, though, and I appreciate the reminder that he’s not off the hook just because he’s passive. I’ll try to keep that in mind going forward.

Anyway, thanks for everyone’s responses. To the poster who reminded me that she will have to get vaccinated to go to school, you made me feel a lot better. We just found out about this last night and my first response was definitely anger. I’m not thinking logically. I just feel so bad for the baby, the rest of the kids, and my MIL and FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not confront at all. These MAHA / MAGA people usually relish confrontation and live for it.

That baby is the one taking most of the risk right now, but she already has three other kids. Like in the old days, you had to have a large number of kids so a few would survive. At least the three other kids are probably going to make it.

I would not point this out. Just shrug and say it's her business and move on.

+1
The baby is her responsibility, not yours. It's not illegal to what she doing, just irresponsible. If she start hitting the baby or neglecting them, report to CPS. Otherwise, do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Most places let kids go to school with religious exemptions.

I would show up for the family gathering, say nothing, and then have someone send me a fake email from daycare saying a kid there in his class has been exposed to measles and it is incredibly contadious. Mention, with a concerned face, that your little Larlo seemed a little tired and sick yesterday but then he was fine today so you showed up for the gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the biggest issue is that unvaccinated children can easily spread diseases to your elderly parents whose immune systems are getting weaker. Shingles from chickenpox is a common illness for the elderly but now has a vaccine. But some of the other vaccines can also fade with age.

I’d tell SIL that in no way can an ill child or one with sniffles be brought to a family event. Do not let them stay in your home. It’s tough but those kids will be carrying a lot of germs.

I had a friend who allowed unvaccinated children at a party. One kid was ill and gave multiple adults chicken pox, including a pregnant mother. That infant had serious birth defects due to chickenpox exposure.

This is a stupid argument, all kids carry germs. There are a LOT of other, more effective ways to deal with Anti-vaxxers. This person's advice is terrible.

[Anonymous]

I agree that an intervention/confrontation will feed your SIL's self-righteousness. Facts are no longer important.

For now, the baby will be best protected by not being around additional people. Think carefully about visits during RSV and flu season.

[Anonymous]

Her baby, her choice. Leave her alone. You sound horrible.

[Anonymous]

Why are you all so enmeshed?

I agree that your SIL is being foolish- hopefully BIL gets her to come around. Being postpartum, she may be struggling in some way.

Beyond that, you sound far too wrapped up in what SIL/BIL are doing. Your DH is “livid” and your family is considering having a meeting about this?! LOL.

Again, SIL is being foolish. But given this is her 4th kid it sounds like possibly a phase or postpartum issue. Let BIL handle it and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I agree with that my BIL absolutely bears responsibility here. He’s not a helpless bystander, and it’s beyond frustrating that he just goes along with whatever she says without standing up for what’s right, especially when it comes to something as important as their kids’ health. Honestly, he’s generally an idiot about a lot of things, so this isn’t totally out of character for him.

That said, I don’t think I’m blaming only her or letting him off the hook. I mentioned what he said to us and how he basically doesn’t care enough to push back, which is a huge part of the problem. But practically speaking, she’s the one driving this decision. She researches (or thinks she does), posts about it constantly, and is extremely vocal about it. My BIL is passive, but she’s the active force.

I’m trying to figure out if there’s any way to get through to her specifically, since she’s the one so dug in on the anti-vaccine stuff. I’m not excusing him at all. He’s being weak and irresponsible, but if there’s a chance to change things, it seems like it will have to come through her.

I hear you, though, and I appreciate the reminder that he’s not off the hook just because he’s passive. I’ll try to keep that in mind going forward.

Anyway, thanks for everyone’s responses. To the poster who reminded me that she will have to get vaccinated to go to school, you made me feel a lot better. We just found out about this last night and my first response was definitely anger. I’m not thinking logically. I just feel so bad for the baby, the rest of the kids, and my MIL and FIL.

You sound like you need more going on in your own life, OP.

It is not at all normal to be this wrapped up in what one’s BIL/SIL are doing with their kids (even if a very poor choice).

[Anonymous]

Keep your kids away from this nutbar.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you have a “family discussion” about this?! Bizarre.

You are going to end up causing SIL to dig her heels in (do you remember being postpartum?) You also won’t be doing BIL any favors by making this some type of “overbearing ILs” issue.

Sounds like she had mainstream views up until recently and odds are she will come around. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

"Doing your own research" isn't particularly valid if the sources used are bogus.
Just don't stay with her or let her and those kids stay in your home.

[Anonymous]

Her/Their child.. MYOB.
Nothing to discuss with her on that.

[Anonymous]

Do people really not have close relationships with their nieces and nephews?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a very dangerous mistake, akin to driving your baby around without a car seat, but you are right that talking to her about it will only entrench her position. In fact, you should listen to her, really listen, and find things you agree on, (yes those food dyes are horrible, etc.). Then at the end of her spiel just say i don’t agree, but I appreciate your passion for your kids health and I’m amazed at how you are managing it as a mom of four kids!

Leave the door open. Be her sounding board. This is likely rooted in postpartum anxiety and giving her space to talk could actually help with that. If it’s rooted in narcissism then it won’t matter either way. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is not a Trump supporter, but she is a big RFK Jr. supporter, to the point that she told me she was happy Trump was elected because he appointed him as head of HHS. She’s been posting a lot of anti-vaccination stuff on Facebook, along with other bananas things like people having conversations with AI about how there’s land on Earth “beyond the ancestral ice wall” that humans don’t know about.

She and my BIL had their fourth baby a little less than three months ago. My husband and I just found out from my MIL that my SIL refused to give the baby her two-month vaccinations and says she won’t be giving her any vaccines at all in the future. The pediatrician, who treated my husband, his brother, and all the nieces and nephews, is livid and refuses to keep baby #4 as a patient anymore. I’m not sure what’s happening with the other three kids.

My BIL would have vaccinated the baby but basically does whatever SIL says and told us he doesn’t really care. MIL and FIL are worried about measles but otherwise seem like they’re not too concerned. I think she’s an idiot for many reasons, but I’ve always been cordial with her. My husband is furious. We just went through a measles scare at our daughter’s daycare, and it’s incredibly upsetting that she’s being so careless with her child’s health—and with the health of others.

We’re visiting for a family event in a few weeks, and I’m not sure what to do. My husband wants to have a family discussion about it, which is fine since it’s his family, but I worry she’s doing this for attention and a confrontation would just give her what she wants. She also tends to use the kids as bargaining chips, and I really want my daughter to have a relationship with her cousins, who are very sweet and smart.

I don’t think a direct confrontation will go well, but I also don’t want to just let it go. I’d like to give her facts and information, though I know she’d probably just say it’s all biased. I’m feeling really stuck. Has anyone dealt with something like this before? What helped?

The sad part is, she has a PhD and used to be a scientist before she left her job after having her third child.

Don’t waste your time on her. She’s mentally ill. Just hope that the baby stays well.