14 year old making social plans—how can you help but not push?

[Anonymous]

I gave my DD access to our family Google calendar so she knows when she is free. That is at least slightly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Open ended but specific like "is there a day this week you want to go play golf? My mom can drive us." If friend texts back "idk ill let you know", follow back up in 2 days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Open ended but specific like "is there a day this week you want to go play golf? My mom can drive us." If friend texts back "idk ill let you know", follow back up in 2 days.

OP here. This is helpful. I looked at his phone and the asks were something like “hey want to do something?”

What??? What??? Where??? 😂😂

I am going to talk to him about specific language

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I have two teens (one NT) and both complain no one makes plans and the plans they do make are so last minute, people bail, don’t have rides, etc… I feel like ages 8th to sophomore are the worse. Once they get a few friends that can drive it gets better.

If you do know the parents it isn’t wrong to get in touch here or there. You can also plan a few day trips.

I am definitely the planner mom and the driver. It can be a lot but I’m really trying to do old school face to face hangs outs.

OP here. I meant to comment that I appreciated this perspective very much as well as the fact that his friends are also not great planners. I am very much similar and that I want kids to hang out in person. Not every day but enough, and I have flexibility and am willing to cart kids it that’s what it takes.

This is all really helpful in me, aka helping my son to communicate more concrete plans that at least people can react to, as well as offering some of the support logistics off the bat vs just saying to him that I can give a ride or whatever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open ended but specific like "is there a day this week you want to go play golf? My mom can drive us." If friend texts back "idk ill let you know", follow back up in 2 days.

OP here. This is helpful. I looked at his phone and the asks were something like “hey want to do something?”

What??? What??? Where??? 😂😂

I am going to talk to him about specific language

Yes, he is going to need coaching. Don't assume he knows how to make plans or organize get togethers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Open ended but specific like "is there a day this week you want to go play golf? My mom can drive us." If friend texts back "idk ill let you know", follow back up in 2 days.

OP here. This is helpful. I looked at his phone and the asks were something like “hey want to do something?”

What??? What??? Where??? 😂😂

I am going to talk to him about specific language

Yes, he is going to need coaching. Don't assume he knows how to make plans or organize get togethers.

You are going to need to teach him this skill step by step. Help him with the initial message, then make sure he's following up and replying to the kid's response.

[Anonymous]

At that age, with a boy, I recall outreach was mixed. I'd let him take the first crack at it, then I'd follow up with the parent myself.

[Anonymous]

With my son, what has helped is thinking through the plan with him first and then helping him think through the text. For kids who are more responsive he might text something more open ended, like "Do you want to see X movie sometime next week?" but for other kids he'll propose a very specific plan with maybe two time alternative "Do you want to go to the river at 2:00 on Wednesday or 10 on Friday"

Also, if you are able to provide transportation for the other kid, and your child communicates this, that helps because then the other parent doesn't have to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Buy tickets to something. Ahead of time. Not so expensive. You don't want to -really- care if plans don't work out and you lose the cost of a few tickets. The tickets are bought to something he'd like to do - then, he invites a friend or friends. If the first few can't go, he works down a list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy tickets to something. Ahead of time. Not so expensive. You don't want to -really- care if plans don't work out and you lose the cost of a few tickets. The tickets are bought to something he'd like to do - then, he invites a friend or friends. If the first few can't go, he works down a list.

Don’t do this

[Anonymous]

Lots of good suggestions on here! I try to walk through thinking up an activity to offer based on shared interests (e.g. if they both love soccer watch a soccer game). Make it clear you will drive.

I have told my kids:
1) it’s nice to be invited even if it doesn’t work out (as long as you haven’t gotten multiple NOs in a row, then you need to cool it for a while)
2) Everyone is busy , when you make things easy for them it’s more likely to happen. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards in ways that make you uncomfortable, it means being a good socializer is a true skill that they can develop and people will value it.

I do more of the inviting and hosting both for myself and my kids. I am ok with it, I consider myself to be good at that particular aspect of friendship.

[Anonymous]

Does he have a group text with his friends? Do you have that with the moms? That's a great way to must reach out to a lot of people - hey we're going to the pool Saturday, who wants to join us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a group text with his friends? Do you have that with the moms? That's a great way to must reach out to a lot of people - hey we're going to the pool Saturday, who wants to join us?

Don’t make a group chat with moms of teen boys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a group text with his friends? Do you have that with the moms? That's a great way to must reach out to a lot of people - hey we're going to the pool Saturday, who wants to join us?

Don’t make a group chat with moms of teen boys

OP here. Say more.

No Moms group thread.

He does have a larger group chat w/ a mix of boys and girls. Many do not live all that close and save this group of buddies he does see, he doesn’t have a lot of interest in hanging out with them. I check in on his texts periodically though and he’s participating, cracking jokes etc. So I think that’s really good for what it is, but not going to help much with the seeing people in person piece

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of good suggestions on here! I try to walk through thinking up an activity to offer based on shared interests (e.g. if they both love soccer watch a soccer game). Make it clear you will drive.

I have told my kids:
1) it’s nice to be invited even if it doesn’t work out (as long as you haven’t gotten multiple NOs in a row, then you need to cool it for a while)
2) Everyone is busy , when you make things easy for them it’s more likely to happen. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards in ways that make you uncomfortable, it means being a good socializer is a true skill that they can develop and people will value it.

I do more of the inviting and hosting both for myself and my kids. I am ok with it, I consider myself to be good at that particular aspect of friendship.

Good advice and very helpful. Thank you