visiting elder relative in assisted living

[Anonymous]

She may need a nap so if she can't go shopping with you, you could get a list and go then. Either way, the naps will give you a break.

[Anonymous]

Can you take her places? We used to take my grandmother to the movies. Going on a drive is also a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her outside. She probably does not get to go outside much because it's too much work for the aides.

Bring her outside food she likes from restaurants.

Help her put on good old movies and watch them together. Don't eat popcorn, she could crack a tooth. Maybe do some ice cream. She probably does not know how to find movies to stream.

They make special puzzles for old people. Google a few of those.

If she is able to get in and out of a car easily, take her for a drive and to a park or something.

Bring photos to look through. Maybe make her a photo book on Shutterfly etc if you have enough time.

Bring a deck of cards. She may or may not be able to play or hold them but it won't take up much space in your bag.

Be in a good mood as much as you can.

FaceTime with a few people she likes. She may not be able to figure out how to work FaceTime on her own.

You sound like an amazing person. Maybe also dominoes and watch some cnn with her. Bring your phone obviously. Try to get her to remember stories about your parent, her life growing up, etc. Write them down.

I live with my FIL who has dementia. He can't remember a lot of things, but he loves to tell stories about his childhood. Those memories seem to bring him joy to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Don’t overplan, as she may be unused to doing too much in the span of a day. A mani pedi seems like a great idea that you can both enjoy - and maybe an early dinner. But don’t feel you need to occupy every minute of the day - she’ll probably want to keep somewhat to her established routines.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so, so much. These are terrific ideas and I have jotted them into a note so I have all together - I’m going to pre-plan a little but let the days take their natural shape, too, and thanks to you all will have lots of ideas to fill time if and when needed.

I am looking forward to the visit! Another aunt (this aunt’s sister) used to live nearby, so when I visited in the past, we all spent time together, and I could just have lunch and an afternoon visit or similar because neither aunt was alone, plus they had more active lives then. That other aunt has since passed away, and the aunt I am now visiting has aged a lot over the past year, so I was feeling apprehensive and “pressured” about how the days would take shape - I feel much better now, thank you all again!

[Anonymous]

If you have pictures of her as a child or of family members, hometown, old house, etc., you can print them and bring them for her to look at.
Take her outside if the weather is nice - the facility probably has a garden or patio you can use.
Paint her fingernails - my mom loves this!
Bring her snacks/treats from outside like a milkshake or cupcake, etc.
Listen to old songs from her youth - you can do this while looking at old photos and let her tell you about her life.

[Anonymous]

Read her cues. She may not be able to handle long visits. I agree with advice of taking her outside, asking her stories from her youth and maybe recording them if she gives permission. Maybe bring a favorite food or old photos. Just look for signs of stress or fatigue too. Better to keep things short and sweet than to think it's your obligation to stay even if she looks tired, confused, agitated or overwhelmed.

Also, do not take her out of the facility. It is comforting to be in familiar surroundings. Do not disrupt her routine too much. If she is eating with friends, wait until she is done and then visit. If there is an activity she enjoys there, visit until then and let her go to it. Routine brings comfort.

[Anonymous]

She may want you to eat in the dining hall there. Sometimes people like to show their visitor off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may want you to eat in the dining hall there. Sometimes people like to show their visitor off.

Have her give you a tour of the place...even if you are pushing a wheel chair.

[Anonymous]

I posted already and I agree with so much, but I am the read her cue person and also give her some control. I learned this with my family. Ask if she wants to give you a tour, ask if she wants to eat somewhere else or at the dining hall. Give choices. If she looks tired see if she wants some rest or wants 10 more minutes.

They want to be good hosts and they also thrive on rest and routine. Keep giving choices and reading non-verbal cues.

I completely agree with the person who said be cheerful. Also, don't take anything personally. If she is annoyed by you or seems bored, see if as a cue she needs a break, not an insult.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will exhaust her if you're there all day or stay too long. They are usually better in the morning, certainly not late afternoon. They may want you to eat with them in their dining hall to show you off to their friends. When you eventually leave, think about your exit. No long goodbye and I would wait until they are engaged with someone else or doing a planned activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take her outside. She probably does not get to go outside much because it's too much work for the aides.

Bring her outside food she likes from restaurants.

Help her put on good old movies and watch them together. Don't eat popcorn, she could crack a tooth. Maybe do some ice cream. She probably does not know how to find movies to stream.

They make special puzzles for old people. Google a few of those.

If she is able to get in and out of a car easily, take her for a drive and to a park or something.

Bring photos to look through. Maybe make her a photo book on Shutterfly etc if you have enough time.

Bring a deck of cards. She may or may not be able to play or hold them but it won't take up much space in your bag.

Be in a good mood as much as you can.

FaceTime with a few people she likes. She may not be able to figure out how to work FaceTime on her own.

These are all really good ideas. I’ve done some with my mom since her move.

[Anonymous]

What kind of classical music does she like? Maybe we could suggest some performance videos for you to watch together. If she does off, fine.

Bring a book for yourself or some knitting or whatever. Some people just like quiet company with no pressure to talk. If she needs a break but feels like a bad host, you can assure her you'll be just fine with your book to read.

[Anonymous]

I would plan on two half days; not two whole days. Go after breakfast and stay through lunch both days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t overplan, as she may be unused to doing too much in the span of a day. A mani pedi seems like a great idea that you can both enjoy - and maybe an early dinner. But don’t feel you need to occupy every minute of the day - she’ll probably want to keep somewhat to her established routines.

Be careful about mani-pedis for the elderly, especially if you are thinking of taking them off-site somewhere. A 95 year old is much more prone to infections and should NOT have the foot scraping, cuticle trimming, callus cutting pedi done by just anyone. No matter how clean the salon appears to be.