What to do when one parent tells child to lie to the other parent?

[Anonymous]

Tell your daughter I'm sorry that dad choose to ask you to do something that is not OK in our family and I appreciate you letting me know what is going on. Ask her how she would like you to handle it just this one time - let it go or talk to dad. If it happens a second time, talk to dad... a third time, you may want to consider contempt if it is in the court order but really, nothing will happen.

[Anonymous]

Not great to cast it as something that's not okay in our family since he thinks it's okay ... not sure what the best wording might be.
Talking a second time: Do you mean telling DD in advance that will happen? Then she might not share. If you don't tell her and then talk to dad after not talking to dad the first time, that could feel like a bigger betrayal.
Tough one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your daughter I'm sorry that dad choose to ask you to do something that is not OK in our family and I appreciate you letting me know what is going on. Ask her how she would like you to handle it just this one time - let it go or talk to dad. If it happens a second time, talk to dad... a third time, you may want to consider contempt if it is in the court order but really, nothing will happen.

Which is exactly why I wouldn't even bother...

[Anonymous]

OP,
If you're still checking in, can you please give an update. If not and you read this, good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback. I think I will try to get some sort of ongoing counseling for me at least, as a sort of "tune up," to make sure I am handling things well. I haven't done anything with the ex yet. I've discussed the situation a couple of times with my daughter to try and see how she's been feeling about things. The situation involved my ex taking my daughter out of state without permission (that was the violation -- there was some history (at beginning of separation/divorce) where my ex would take our daughter without giving any notification, etc., which is really terrifying to me for a bunch of reasons I won't go into, not the least of which is parental abduction). That was years ago however, when things were really raw emotionally and my daughter was still practically a baby.

What made my daughter anxious however is that the trip involved staying at my ex's new significant other's house for the weekend and spending all weekend together as a "family." This is the first time a dating situation has been presented to my daughter, as we've both limited dating to our non-custodial days for the past several years. We (daughter and I) have talked in the past about the fact either one of her parents may get remarried in the future, but this is the first she's been confronted with dating issues. That, coupled with "don't tell your other parent," made her think something was really wrong with the whole situation. We've discussed that keeping this type of secret is bad, plus not even useful. They've gone out of state many times before, but with notification. I've also tried to tell her it's fine if she has lots of fun with this other person and I don't mind at all. And on the flip side, if she doesn't feel comfortable with something, she can absolutely come tell me. (I have not discussed my other concern at all -- having possibly premature sleepovers with child in tow. That definitely is my issue to deal with.)

I've asked my daughter if she wants me to discuss this (the lying part) with my ex, and she says yes. So I will. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and I'll hopefully get some tools to address it.

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? Equip your daughter with words how to respond if she is ever asked to lie again. Explain to her that she doesn't have to lie for anyone. If someone confides in her they first have to ask permission. Then explain that what her Dad did wrong (among other things) is that he didn't ask her first if she is ok with keeping it a secret. Turn it around for her so she can use this knowledge if something like this happens again, and it probably will if he thinks he go away with it.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I am so sorry for you and for your daughter! You are handling this beautifully. This is often HUGE for children, the early stages of realizing a parent is romantically involved with someone else. It's a transition of its own, they wonder how it's going to affect their world. Did they sleep over? I'm glad to hear that your daughter feels safe enough to tell you that she wants you to talk about lying. This shows she wants the parents to deal with this adult stuff, and that she's comfortable enough with her relationship with her father to have you discuss it with him.

Also, as an FYI, even though it's down the road: Things will change when she gets her first cell phone. You'll have access to her. It really throws off the secrecy dynamic. My son got his in Grade 7. His dad used to refuse to answer his phone or answer emails when he was with him. Good times not!

Again, props for keeping your cool with your ex.

I think it's your issue to know where your child is, by the way. He should be honoring that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
I am so sorry for you and for your daughter! You are handling this beautifully. This is often HUGE for children, the early stages of realizing a parent is romantically involved with someone else. It's a transition of its own, they wonder how it's going to affect their world. Did they sleep over? I'm glad to hear that your daughter feels safe enough to tell you that she wants you to talk about lying. This shows she wants the parents to deal with this adult stuff, and that she's comfortable enough with her relationship with her father to have you discuss it with him.

Also, as an FYI, even though it's down the road: Things will change when she gets her first cell phone. You'll have access to her. It really throws off the secrecy dynamic. My son got his in Grade 7. His dad used to refuse to answer his phone or answer emails when he was with him. Good times not!

Again, props for keeping your cool with your ex.

I think it's your issue to know where your child is, by the way. He should be honoring that.

Agreed - you are doing a great job. PP here who posted about counseling.

We introduced a cell phone very early on due to safety concerns and the fact that the phone was always getting turned off at mom's. Getting child-style cell phone may be really useful to have. You can even put child locator on it if you want (Thought we've never used that feature- I think you can track whereabouts via GPS.)

[Anonymous]

12:56 here. I wasn't suggesting a cell, I believe 7:34's situation involved a more dire situation, with a mother who'd been (or was still) a user. I actually think it's better to hold off on getting a cell for as long as possible because it's one more distraction in the whole screen scene. We got one at the top of Grade 7 because we had to coordinate after school pickups when my son switched to a school with a shuttle bus. It had nothing to do with the custody situation. Of course if I had safety or other concerns, I would have gotten one earlier. I'm guessing OP's daughter's in Grade 5. Even in Grade 6, most of my son's classmates didn't have cell phones. That may have changed in the past several years.

Let us know how things go, OP.

[Anonymous]

7:34 P.S. I would have gotten one in your situation! And if OP thinks it makes sense, then it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:56 here. I wasn't suggesting a cell, I believe 7:34's situation involved a more dire situation, with a mother who'd been (or was still) a user. I actually think it's better to hold off on getting a cell for as long as possible because it's one more distraction in the whole screen scene. We got one at the top of Grade 7 because we had to coordinate after school pickups when my son switched to a school with a shuttle bus. It had nothing to do with the custody situation. Of course if I had safety or other concerns, I would have gotten one earlier. I'm guessing OP's daughter's in Grade 5. Even in Grade 6, most of my son's classmates didn't have cell phones. That may have changed in the past several years.

Let us know how things go, OP.

7:34 back - Yes- completely agree on holding off if not needed. Though, I will say- they make phones with no functionality other than calling parents- 4 buttons plus 911, and nothing else. Was great for our purposes.

OP, it sounds like your instincts are on target- keep following them. If you find a counselor who is a good fit, it pays dividends long after you stop going - give you the tools for how to respond appropriately, and tools for DD in how to manage.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 7:34.

OP, if this relationship becomes serious, than this is a transitional bump and once it's out in the open, and your ex knows you know, a kind of normalcy will develop around it because what's to hide. Good luck, keep us posted.