Teammate issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here—DS works his ass off and we continue to emphasize the need to focus on what he can control (his own performance). He isn’t jealous about playing time because they are both starters with very different roles on the team. Honestly I think he’s just tired of the drama—and as most of the boys have matured, this kid stands out more and more in that regard.

Pp makes a good point about parent attitudes and opinions filtering down and that’s why I’m venting here!

So you started a thread just so you can anonymously talk shit about some random kid. Because you and your kid don’t like drama. Ok.

[Anonymous]

I started a thread to ask when/if coaches ever weigh behavioral issues and team dynamics into their team selection. I'd like to know what others have experienced.

My comment about being tired of drama is in response to PP who said DS is just jealous, and I was agreeing with different PP who said that parents need to be mindful of creating drama.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I think the poster who said ‘welcome to life’ is onto something. In many settings- work, school, sports, friend groups there will often be someone who rubs one or many people the wring way. I think we all know that the only person we can change is ourselves. You may want to help your kid understand that while this may be irritating/ how is it relevant to your child’s ability to be involved with the group? Maybe the kid wants attention or he is bloooff steam after lots of school work. But ask him to figure out how to ignore behavior that is not harmful and to be kind to all people, including this teammate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started a thread to ask when/if coaches ever weigh behavioral issues and team dynamics into their team selection. I'd like to know what others have experienced.

My comment about being tired of drama is in response to PP who said DS is just jealous, and I was agreeing with different PP who said that parents need to be mindful of creating drama.

For youth sports:

In my experience, coaches weigh parent behavior far more heavily than “kid behavior” in team selection. Coaches tend to want to be around parents they like, parents who help, parents who get along with the rest of the group… in other words, parents who are not “problems”. Parent likeability is a huge factor. Unless the kid is truly doing something outrageous, coaches usually don’t care. General goofing around etc would not qualify.

[Anonymous]

OP,
At some point the hard work your son is putting in will be noticed. It probably already is. The other kid might not pay the price until Hs or even college (I’ve seen the big lazy talented kid get cut immediately from college teams when surrounded by big talented hard workers).

I would be annoyed if I was your son, too; it is a team sport, and this kid could be an amazing contributor if he worked hard. That stinks as a teammate. This is a great chance to practice leadership. Continue to lead by example, and maybe offer a compliment when the teammate is hustling.

Also I don’t know why people here jump to the worst possible conclusion. Everyone has seen this situation and kids need guidance to navigate what happens when what they’ve been told (hard work yields success, laziness does not) gets shaken a bit. You’re not jealous or crazy to ask for input about this.

[Anonymous]

OP is definitely jealous. That’s why he is pushing back so hard (and was so deeply offended) by the mere suggestion. Why, I wonder? Probably because he knows that his hardworking kid is about at his ceiling because he is NOT a big, strong, athletic kid. It’s a tough pill to swallow that in reality, hard work will only get you so far in a results-oriented endeavor.

I mean, how dare some other kid goof off all day and still be as good as or better than OP’s son who works his butt off? It’s not fair! Don’t coaches care how unfair it is?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here—DS works his ass off and we continue to emphasize the need to focus on what he can control (his own performance). He isn’t jealous about playing time because they are both starters with very different roles on the team. Honestly I think he’s just tired of the drama—and as most of the boys have matured, this kid stands out more and more in that regard.

Pp makes a good point about parent attitudes and opinions filtering down and that’s why I’m venting here!

Sorry, OP, but it only gets worse. Not better. Your kid will realize that hard work is not rewarded. Results are rewarded and those who bring results or are connected politically get playing time. 13/14 is when they start to realize it. Tenth grade is when you will see many drop the sport.

[Anonymous]

There is this one girl on our team who is always goofing around. She takes practice seriously only when her parents give her "the look," but it only works for a few minutes before she gets back to being herself. Otherwise, she is there to socialize more than work hard and improve herself. When the coach talks to the team, she is only half listening and - instead - she distracts the other players either by chatting with them or playing silly games. The difference is that she doesn't bully others, but she definitely distracts those around her.

She is my DD and I know she means no harm. She is extremely friendly and sociable and cannot focus all her energy into her sport. She likes her sport enough to participate, but she is not (yet) interested in working hard to become a stronger player. Not sure if that interest will kick at any time. She is good enough to be a starter because her team is pretty bad. She would warm the bench on better teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I mean this sincerely (ie I am not trying to mock you or sound trite) but it sounds like this is a case of simple old fashioned jealousy.

Nobody wants the jerk who doesn’t try very hard to succeed when there are so many other nice kids working their butts off on the same team. But sometimes the jerks are really good at what they do, and they don’t have to try very hard to be better than their nice, hard-working teammates. It’s true in sports and it’s true in life.

I would advise you and your son to train yourselves to not fixate on this kid or worry about what he is or is not doing.

Yup.

How much people put up with depends on how good you are. Look at the nfl or college teams who will tolerate all sorts of things if the star produces. Or look at colleges and how they'll stretch admission standards if you they want you.

A kid on my son's baseball team fools around and acts like a jerk to other kids. But he's huge and can throw fast and hit bombs. Coaches bend over backwards for him and want him on their team.

Results matter.

[Anonymous]

Agree that nothing will change. My DD is at the elite level in an extremely competitive sport, and one girl has been along for the ride with her the entire time. Whatever rules applied to everyone else were never applied to this girl because she would often get results (not always, but reputation matters and she built a reputation early on for producing). Contract says no crying and others are sent home from practice for crying? This girl would cry the entire time and coaches would look the other way. No competition allowed the week of an illness? The girl would come in wildly sick, infect everyone else, miss two practices and still be allowed to compete. And then everyone else would miss the competition the next week.

We are years into this and only now is it sort of catching up to the other girl, and only because she never had to develop the same mental stamina and strength as the others when she was receiving all sorts of exceptions. She’s having some performance issues related to mental blocks but I don’t know if that will be her undoing. Even with that, the coaches seem to give her a pass when they’ve pulled other girls with similar issues.

Tell your DS to focus on himself because giving the other kid his precious energy is a big fat waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is beyond frustrated with a kid on his teammate who goofs off and is lazy, but still manages to be successful offensively because he’s a big kid and is coordinated. He’s also a bit of a bully and if he doesn’t like another kid on the team, everyone knows it. Yet coaches continue to select him despite this behavior because he’s physically strong and can produce offensively. A lot of these negative behaviors are defense mechanisms (ie he goofs off during sprints because he’s slow, he doesn’t put much effort into playing D because he doesn’t want to get burned and look stupid, he makes fun of others to distract from his weaknesses, etc), but we’ve been playing with this kid across multiple teams/sports for years and the behaviors seem to be getting worse (now 13/14u). At what point/age do coaches decide that the behavior isn’t worth it?

Having been a big player and parenting a big player. I find the team sprints to be problematic. This is partly a coaching problem. Like the big kids are always going to be slow, but the smaller kids aren't getting pushed. Running faster and improving at running is actually more important for short kids. Furthermore, it's not an especially efficient use of time. IMO Lateral slides would be more important from a basketball perspective for tall players (see below for helpside D), ironically many of the short faster players are very bad at lane slides. I was reading a conditioning book. The college pros evaluate progress individually and set specific conditioning targets with stop watches. It makes sense because the big players only have to beat the other big players down the court they don't need to beat every player down the court. Boy I wish my coaches would have done that.

Also, larger players will often sink off to compensate for foot work, they can't shoot over them, they also are useful in help side situations with long arms. To me it's annoying at the youth levels where they basically only run pressure man, which is great for guards. My DD coaches haven't so much as discussed help side man, so my big daughter is standing there right next to her shooter. All she has to do is stick her arm out to block the girl next to her, but doesn't think to do it, because pressure man. In Montgomery County at the younger levels it's even a rule no double teams no zones, guard your man.

So, acting out and what not, I can see it happening my DD has a teammate bigger (not the tallest kind of big) girl with the same kinds of issues. IMO she really needs to be evaluated separately with timings. To manage her improvement, she would improve much more quickly, instead she gives up and pitches fit after one sprint. In this case the kid isn't especially talented just yet, but the attitude is tolerated.