Did anyone realize that they don't really like their parents all that much?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm struggling with this too.

My dad is a very self-centered person. He never wanted me and rejected me my entire childhood. He always held a job and provided for the family, but resents that he had to spend money to feed or clothe me. He's also a MAGA and incredibly racist. He didn't want to help pay for my college because I'm female and thinks my role should be to keep house for my husband and kids. I have a polite but distant relationship with him. If he needs care as he ages, that will be up to my siblings. He thinks my failure-to-launch brother hung the moon, so we'll see if he comes through for my dad.

My mom is a harder case. She has some great qualities, but is really volatile and can be very mean. I've realized as an adult that she has never had a friendship last for more than 2-3 years. She eventually turns on the person and is awful to them, often making up stuff that isn't true and manufacturing drama. I distanced myself from her when I was a teen because she wasn't kind to me (putting it nicely), but tried to build a more healthy relationship with her as an adult. We do okay for a bit (a few years at a time), but then it implodes and she attacks me again. I haven't had a relationship with her for about 2 years since she last exploded at me and I don't know what to do. I don't trust her to be kind or fair to me, and she's now spent two years telling the family what an awful person I am and vilifying me. So we're pretty stuck. I'd have a relationship with her if I could have firm boundaries, but I don't know how to get there. Any information she learns about me right now basically becomes family gossip about how I'm an awful person and parent, so I do my best to share as little as possible with her.

Don't get me wrong, both my parents have good aspects. They just also have major character flaws too, especially that they don't really consider me to be a full person with feelings. I'm the family punching bag and they think I deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for most people, the closeness they feel to their parents is about deep childhood connection. I am essentially estranged from my father, because he is just not interested in me and I got tired of trying to force a relationship. But the last time I saw him I remember holding his hand (he was sick in the hospital at the time) feeling so familiar and safe.

My mom and I are fairly close (they are divorced) and talk a few times a month at least and see each other once or twice a year. When we are together hugging her is so comforting to me and when we talk her voice, the rhythms of her speech and her response to things is all so familiar that it takes me right back to my childhood. I also to this day (39 years old) miss my mom every time I am sick.

So for most people I think the thing that makes the annoyances worth it are that these people feel like home to us. It’s kind of…primal? So they don’t need to be smart or interesting or fascinating.

I wonder if you and your parents just never bonded in that way.

This is spot on for me as well. They are not particularly interesting or nice or smart or anything, but it is the familiarity and shared history that bring us together (my parents are first gen). I assume this is the same with how people usually associate themselves strongly to their culture, traditions, religions, etc.

[Anonymous]

I wish my parents would want to talk about a book they read! I think you have a completely unrealistic expectation of parents' role. We develop a bond with them as children, or not. That usually lasts throughout life. I was close to my dad, but not my mom, and it has never changed. Maya Angelou said that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

[Anonymous]

I don't like mine, because my dad was physically abusive towards my mother, I got caught in the middle, and she downplayed the abuse.
Staying away from parents and not seeing or talking to them all the time, is a sign of independence in our culture. It's like they raised an independent child who doesn't come home because life got hard. Being home sick is a big no-no.
It would never cross anyone's mind to tell me that I should be around my parents or talk to them more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to have a relationship with my parents so I accepted a lot and tried to bend to be whatever they wanted me to be. The expectations kept changing. I could create a pretty healthy relationship with my dad and with age he got more perspective.

After spending enough years helping my mother I realize I just don't like her as a person much, but I have love for her and will make sure she is as safe as she will allow. I had to finally step back completely and get hired professionals for everything because it was breaking my spirit and taking a toll on all of us. Seeing her lose her filter makes it worse. She is incredibly judgmental, entitled, mean-spirited and immature. There were some good qualities too that are eroding and she no longer has friends and my dad toning down her worst qualities. She is toxic when she goes off on one her anger benders hurling insults.

I navigate it with radical acceptance. I hate this and wish it weren't the case, but it is what it is and I will take the high road, but also protect myself, my kids and my husband. I have rock solid boundaries these days. I find warmth and connection with my husband and friends.

Not op but this is really helpful. Thx. Op -/ you’re lucky that your parents actually want to meet u half way. That’s a good step, although I understand your issues with them even now.

[Anonymous]

I can relate when it comes to my dad. My mom and I were really close and I kind of just tolerated my dad.

Now that my mom passed away, I struggle to enjoy spending any time with my dad. He means well but is self-centered and emotionally immature.

It’s has actually been helpful to be able to say clearly to myself that I love him but just don’t like him much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

+1

Having kids also gave me perspective in how to accept my parents' idiosyncrasies. They're like another set of kids for me, just older and with different problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids? Once I had kids I understood how much parents love their children and it changed my perspective on my parents. I appreciated them more because I knew how they felt about me

Not all parents feel this way at all though. Many hated being a parent or even left their family. This is the feeling of a decent parent trying their best or a loving parent only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to like them, but you should love and respect them.

What does this mean? Particularly for parents who do things that would get them scorn not respect from the world generally.

[Anonymous]

Or how about the flip side to OPs question. I’m the least favorite child. I didn’t realize it, it’s always been that way. I tried to become closer to my mom when l was pregnant my son but she wasn’t capable able of it. Our conversations are about the weather.

[Anonymous]

OP, if like most immigrant parents, they left their home country so you could come here and have a better life with more opportunities, maybe give them a little grace. Appreciate their sacrifice at least.

I have enough perspective to appreciate that my parents did what they could give their circumstances (not immigrants but working class and I was expected to work at a young age, get good grades, go to college and move on). My kids had a completely different, more kid-centered childhood where we supported their interests and goals and gave them a little time to get on their feet after college. But it's clear that they want something different for their own kids: fewer things, more experiences, and that they don't share all of our values. And I suppose the grandchildren will have yet a different twist on how to live their lives. We all try our best to appreciate each other's perspective, but some of it is just generational and circumstantial.

[Anonymous]

I have no respect for either parent. I have nothing to do with Mom and little to do with Dad.
One can have a very big life without parents. I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm struggling with this too.

My dad is a very self-centered person. He never wanted me and rejected me my entire childhood. He always held a job and provided for the family, but resents that he had to spend money to feed or clothe me. He's also a MAGA and incredibly racist. He didn't want to help pay for my college because I'm female and thinks my role should be to keep house for my husband and kids. I have a polite but distant relationship with him. If he needs care as he ages, that will be up to my siblings. He thinks my failure-to-launch brother hung the moon, so we'll see if he comes through for my dad.

My mom is a harder case. She has some great qualities, but is really volatile and can be very mean. I've realized as an adult that she has never had a friendship last for more than 2-3 years. She eventually turns on the person and is awful to them, often making up stuff that isn't true and manufacturing drama. I distanced myself from her when I was a teen because she wasn't kind to me (putting it nicely), but tried to build a more healthy relationship with her as an adult. We do okay for a bit (a few years at a time), but then it implodes and she attacks me again. I haven't had a relationship with her for about 2 years since she last exploded at me and I don't know what to do. I don't trust her to be kind or fair to me, and she's now spent two years telling the family what an awful person I am and vilifying me. So we're pretty stuck. I'd have a relationship with her if I could have firm boundaries, but I don't know how to get there. Any information she learns about me right now basically becomes family gossip about how I'm an awful person and parent, so I do my best to share as little as possible with her.

Don't get me wrong, both my parents have good aspects. They just also have major character flaws too, especially that they don't really consider me to be a full person with feelings. I'm the family punching bag and they think I deserve it.

My mom is like this and she blew up at me about 3 years ago. I’m similarly at a loss. It’s sad. No advice but just responding so you at least know you’re not alone.

One of the other PPs wrote about the bond a parent has with their child. I think my mom never really bonded with me as a baby for lots of reasons.

[Anonymous]

I look at this as an evolutionary thing. If we loved hanging out with our parents, we wouldn't head out into the world and spread our genes in other places. My husband and I both agree, we love our parents, but we can only tolerate them on a limited basis. And I 100% anticipate my daughter having the same feelings when she grows up. It's human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm struggling with this too.

My dad is a very self-centered person. He never wanted me and rejected me my entire childhood. He always held a job and provided for the family, but resents that he had to spend money to feed or clothe me. He's also a MAGA and incredibly racist. He didn't want to help pay for my college because I'm female and thinks my role should be to keep house for my husband and kids. I have a polite but distant relationship with him. If he needs care as he ages, that will be up to my siblings. He thinks my failure-to-launch brother hung the moon, so we'll see if he comes through for my dad.

My mom is a harder case. She has some great qualities, but is really volatile and can be very mean. I've realized as an adult that she has never had a friendship last for more than 2-3 years. She eventually turns on the person and is awful to them, often making up stuff that isn't true and manufacturing drama. I distanced myself from her when I was a teen because she wasn't kind to me (putting it nicely), but tried to build a more healthy relationship with her as an adult. We do okay for a bit (a few years at a time), but then it implodes and she attacks me again. I haven't had a relationship with her for about 2 years since she last exploded at me and I don't know what to do. I don't trust her to be kind or fair to me, and she's now spent two years telling the family what an awful person I am and vilifying me. So we're pretty stuck. I'd have a relationship with her if I could have firm boundaries, but I don't know how to get there. Any information she learns about me right now basically becomes family gossip about how I'm an awful person and parent, so I do my best to share as little as possible with her.

Don't get me wrong, both my parents have good aspects. They just also have major character flaws too, especially that they don't really consider me to be a full person with feelings. I'm the family punching bag and they think I deserve it.

My mom is like this and she blew up at me about 3 years ago. I’m similarly at a loss. It’s sad. No advice but just responding so you at least know you’re not alone.

One of the other PPs wrote about the bond a parent has with their child. I think my mom never really bonded with me as a baby for lots of reasons.

Np. Same here. I don’t think my mom and I ever bonded. I was cared for by another family member after I was born and didn’t see my mom again until I was 4. My bad memories start from there. Her voice and seeing her are very triggering for me. I often spend encounters deep breathing and going into a trance like state so I can muster through. Unfortunately I think that is the impact of long term abuse from someone. I’ve done a lot of healing work - somatic, spiritual, inner child, radical acceptance etc… but I can’t shake the physical and neurological reaction I have around her.