Can someone explain “friends” who speak badly behind your back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just very insecure & enjoy talking about others behind their backs as this is what they do to build themselves up.

I guess it is cheaper than therapy. 🤦🏼

I personally would not want these types of people in my life in any way, shape or form.

I think it's this. I dropped a friend who spoke badly about our friends to me (and presumably talked trash about me to them). I don't need that negativity in my life and realized she wasn't much of a friend to me. My mother is similar to the PPs' talking negatively about everyone, especially if they're vulnerable (over the holidays she called someone a loser for going to rehab, sigh).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaks badly now?

Do think you and your friends are perfect?

This is OP. While I’m certainly not perfect I’m trying to figure out why someone I considered a friend and did a huge favor for recently (watched her kids at my home for a week so she could recover from gallbladder surgery) and found out she referred to me as a “witch” with a b to another friend recently.

This is very sad and hurtful. Before you drop her, would it be worth trying to have a conversation with the woman to find out if it is true or what is going on to make her act this way? I'm not saying your source is lying, but it would be good to make sure it is accurate IMO. That way, when you do drop her because of her mean behavior, there will be no question as to why!

[Anonymous]

I don’t talk badly behind peoples backs and none of my friends talk about each other badly. Those who do aren’t friends those are people you don’t want in your life.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP I find it interesting that you’re focusing on her calling you that behind your back but do not seem to have considered once WHY she might have called you that at all…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP I find it interesting that you’re focusing on her calling you that behind your back but do not seem to have considered once WHY she might have called you that at all…

Learning someone has called a name behind your back is not time for self reflection. If the "friend" had issues with OP worth addressing, the friend should have raised them directly with OP and skipped the name-calling.

I'm sure OP is an imperfect person like everyone else, but this is not a situation where OP should self-flagellate -- she may have done something hurtful or she may have done nothing at all. No way to know since the friend chose not to bring her grievance to OP.

[Anonymous]

NP. I am going to disagree with the assessment that it's insecurity, or at least that it has to be insecurity. I've seen women where it's just about asserting their dominance. They do it with total confidence. It's like a top dog baring its teeth, just letting all the other dogs know who's boss.

Some people also do this as a way to build a network and connections. They've discovered that negative gossip about others can be a binding agent for relationships -- "we hate all the same people." I knew a woman once who did this only she didn't actually hate anyone. She was friends with like 95% of the people she $hit talked behind their back. But if someone said "oh I don't like Janet," she'd jump right in with "yes Janet its he worst, isn't she." Then two days later she'd be hanging out with Janet $hit talking someone else. It was her social currency.

It got her in trouble more than once because while I don't think she ever really meant much of the negative stuff she said about other people, it could have real and hurtful consequences. I initially tried to just set boundaries with her ("I don't like saying stuff behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face") it's just not how she worked. Then of course I found out she'd been talking about me (duh).

But it was weird because her gossip wasn't mean spirited even when it was negative or harmful. I think she just did it instinctively, probably something she learned from her mom or a sister about how women bond. It was too bad because she had other positive qualities.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you sure the friend who told you isn't the problematic person. There are people who love to set off dramatics. The whole thing may not have happened or may have been taken out of context. You've heard of "stirring the pot"? I you are wanting to end a friendship over this, at least ask her why she said that if it happened at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure the friend who told you isn't the problematic person. There are people who love to set off dramatics. The whole thing may not have happened or may have been taken out of context. You've heard of "stirring the pot"? I you are wanting to end a friendship over this, at least ask her why she said that if it happened at all.

This is an excellent point -- how did OP find out and what was the context.

Personally, I would proceed with caution with everyone involved at this point. I went through this with a friend group and in the end I wound up just leaving the whole group because while some parties were likely more responsible for the toxic gossip behavior than others, in the end it was impossible to untangle it and I never felt like I could trust them as a group again. If it's normalized in a group to engage in this kind of behavior -- talking about friends behind their backs, "reporting back" on what other people said, etc. -- the relationships become unsalvageable because even if you think the people you keep close won't engage in it, as long as they are friends with people who DO engage in it, it could happen whether they want it to or not.

I've learned that when it comes to groups of friends, you have to start from a premise of "we don't gossip about each other or bad mouth each other behind one another's backs." If that's the ethos from the start, then even if people try to stir up drama, it gets shut down and people move on. But you have to start there.

[Anonymous]

I am someone who constantly talks about others behind their backs. As I am thinking about this...I have never really thought about why I do it...in most cases, I am speaking badly about someone who has hurt me, quite badly, but for whatever reason I am still expected to be in their life and interact with them. So I will vent to my other friends about my encounter with them to verify that I am not in fact crazy and said person is mean/rude/unhinged.

I don't think I talk badly about friends or family who have not hurt me. If someone is kind to me...I always say nice things about them.

I also think I have an assertiveness/low self esteem issue where I cannot stand up for myself so I try to make myself feel better by venting about their poor behavior to sympathetic ears.

I guess...hanging around toxic people makes you toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my mom and I cannot relate. I don't badmouth my friends. I think for my mother it's a need to feel superior, but she also never learned boundaries and how to manage emotions. She has unrealistic expectations for others which she herself cannot meet (expects favors she would never give) and then she feels anger when people don't meet her impossible expectations.

My mom is the same.

She especially trash talks people who are kind to her, it is never enough.

She goes for people when they are vulnerable, like during a divorce, and is almost gleeful. I have very limited contact.

My mother is the same. I have spent many years trying to be a good child but I have to prioritize the emotional health of my kids who became a source of her attacks as they reached late teens.
It was depressing until I recognized it as BPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the reasoning behind this? Why be friends with someone you don’t like or respect?

Some people love to feel superior to hide their own inferior selves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am going to disagree with the assessment that it's insecurity, or at least that it has to be insecurity. I've seen women where it's just about asserting their dominance. They do it with total confidence. It's like a top dog baring its teeth, just letting all the other dogs know who's boss.

Some people also do this as a way to build a network and connections. They've discovered that negative gossip about others can be a binding agent for relationships -- "we hate all the same people." I knew a woman once who did this only she didn't actually hate anyone. She was friends with like 95% of the people she $hit talked behind their back. But if someone said "oh I don't like Janet," she'd jump right in with "yes Janet its he worst, isn't she." Then two days later she'd be hanging out with Janet $hit talking someone else. It was her social currency.

It got her in trouble more than once because while I don't think she ever really meant much of the negative stuff she said about other people, it could have real and hurtful consequences. I initially tried to just set boundaries with her ("I don't like saying stuff behind someone's back I wouldn't say to their face") it's just not how she worked. Then of course I found out she'd been talking about me (duh).

But it was weird because her gossip wasn't mean spirited even when it was negative or harmful. I think she just did it instinctively, probably something she learned from her mom or a sister about how women bond. It was too bad because she had other positive qualities.

I see this more often than not, though I think for some it's meant to be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you sure the friend who told you isn't the problematic person. There are people who love to set off dramatics. The whole thing may not have happened or may have been taken out of context. You've heard of "stirring the pot"? I you are wanting to end a friendship over this, at least ask her why she said that if it happened at all.

This is OP. It was said in a text message which I was shown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the reasoning behind this? Why be friends with someone you don’t like or respect?

Answer this: Why are you friends with someone who does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the reasoning behind this? Why be friends with someone you don’t like or respect?

Answer this: Why are you friends with someone who does this.

I wasn’t aware she did it.