Which of the four “emotionally immature” parents was my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re familiar with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I need your help!

My therapist suspects my mother was/is emotionally immature, and advised me to read the book. But I can’t fit my mother into either of the four categories.

I lean more towards Driven, but she wasn’t aiming for MY perfection, it was other things. The house, her body, her work. Her work came first. She sent me to school with chicken pox and told me to lie and say it was mosquito bites. Sent me to school vomiting, sick with the flu, and refused to pick me up, so I would sit in the nurse’s office. I was always the kid scanning the crowd for a parent. Her reasoning wasn’t financial, my father was breadwinner. She just refused to miss work for anything. Ever.

At home, everything had to be perfect. We would get up at 7am on weekends to vacuum and dust. Things had to be meticulous, inside and out. We would have to pick individual leaves from the landscape bark in the fall, shovel perfect edges in the winter, for example. And yes, my mother has childhood trauma.

Everything had to be perfect and work came first. Always. But she didn’t necessarily care to perfect us kids at all.

I want to continue with the book and go to therapy next week with some insight. Can you help me figure out who she is?

Sorry that sounds like diagnosable mental disorders, like ASD plus OCD or something. But yes those profiles are emotionally stunted and lack empathy or putting children’s needs, or even ID’ing most of them, first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP is one of the "go away" posters please show this whole thread to your therapist. "Go away" is the whine of a traumatized person. It also makes everything "their" fault.
Going away now...

You can suffer from Ongoing Trauma from being raised by mentally disordered parents, especially if you didn’t inherit the disorder yourself. It’s like living in two different planets then. And you’re only a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re familiar with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I need your help!

My therapist suspects my mother was/is emotionally immature, and advised me to read the book. But I can’t fit my mother into either of the four categories.

I lean more towards Driven, but she wasn’t aiming for MY perfection, it was other things. The house, her body, her work. Her work came first. She sent me to school with chicken pox and told me to lie and say it was mosquito bites. Sent me to school vomiting, sick with the flu, and refused to pick me up, so I would sit in the nurse’s office. I was always the kid scanning the crowd for a parent. Her reasoning wasn’t financial, my father was breadwinner. She just refused to miss work for anything. Ever.

At home, everything had to be perfect. We would get up at 7am on weekends to vacuum and dust. Things had to be meticulous, inside and out. We would have to pick individual leaves from the landscape bark in the fall, shovel perfect edges in the winter, for example. And yes, my mother has childhood trauma.

Everything had to be perfect and work came first. Always. But she didn’t necessarily care to perfect us kids at all.

I want to continue with the book and go to therapy next week with some insight. Can you help me figure out who she is?

One thing that stood out to me is that the only thing you mention about your father is that he was the breadwinner.

Clearly if your mom worked, she was also the breadwinner.

Why don’t you mention that he also didn’t miss work when you were sick? It sounds like he wasn’t at events either?

It is interesting to me that you have focused on your mom here.

[Anonymous]

A read it awhile ago but my mom didn't fit neatly into any category. I also read Will I Ever Be Good Enough. I'm still learning ways my parents manipulated and abused me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re familiar with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I need your help!

My therapist suspects my mother was/is emotionally immature, and advised me to read the book. But I can’t fit my mother into either of the four categories.

I lean more towards Driven, but she wasn’t aiming for MY perfection, it was other things. The house, her body, her work. Her work came first. She sent me to school with chicken pox and told me to lie and say it was mosquito bites. Sent me to school vomiting, sick with the flu, and refused to pick me up, so I would sit in the nurse’s office. I was always the kid scanning the crowd for a parent. Her reasoning wasn’t financial, my father was breadwinner. She just refused to miss work for anything. Ever.

At home, everything had to be perfect. We would get up at 7am on weekends to vacuum and dust. Things had to be meticulous, inside and out. We would have to pick individual leaves from the landscape bark in the fall, shovel perfect edges in the winter, for example. And yes, my mother has childhood trauma.

Everything had to be perfect and work came first. Always. But she didn’t necessarily care to perfect us kids at all.

I want to continue with the book and go to therapy next week with some insight. Can you help me figure out who she is?

One thing that stood out to me is that the only thing you mention about your father is that he was the breadwinner.

Clearly if your mom worked, she was also the breadwinner.

Why don’t you mention that he also didn’t miss work when you were sick? It sounds like he wasn’t at events either?

It is interesting to me that you have focused on your mom here.

+1

It’s always mom’s fault

[Anonymous]

Not familiar with the book. Maybe you can tell us what the four categories are. It's also strange that all the tasks you list are outdoor tasks which are often done by the male parent.

[Anonymous]

What was your dad doing for those 18 years OP?

[Anonymous]

She sounds normal. Stop picking at your parents and start focusing on making yourself a better person. And stay away from therapists who allow you to stew in victim mentality. It’s not good or healthy, but makes them lots of money

[Anonymous]

I found the book super helpful, even though my parents didn't fit neatly into just one category. There were elements of each that helped me think about my childhood and my adult relationship with my parents in new ways. It sounds like you also have new language to use when discussing your parents and that should help you talk to your therapist, even if you can't narrow your parents down to one category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was your dad doing for those 18 years OP?

Seriously. Why didn’t the school nurse call your dad?

[Anonymous]

I read the book about 4 years ago. I made a lot of notes when reading it and that helped. My dad was clearly one type and my mom is a mix of 2. Even just bringing a few thoughts to your therapist would be great, it’s not a test and there is no deadline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re familiar with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I need your help!

My therapist suspects my mother was/is emotionally immature, and advised me to read the book. But I can’t fit my mother into either of the four categories.

I lean more towards Driven, but she wasn’t aiming for MY perfection, it was other things. The house, her body, her work. Her work came first. She sent me to school with chicken pox and told me to lie and say it was mosquito bites. Sent me to school vomiting, sick with the flu, and refused to pick me up, so I would sit in the nurse’s office. I was always the kid scanning the crowd for a parent. Her reasoning wasn’t financial, my father was breadwinner. She just refused to miss work for anything. Ever.

At home, everything had to be perfect. We would get up at 7am on weekends to vacuum and dust. Things had to be meticulous, inside and out. We would have to pick individual leaves from the landscape bark in the fall, shovel perfect edges in the winter, for example. And yes, my mother has childhood trauma.

Everything had to be perfect and work came first. Always. But she didn’t necessarily care to perfect us kids at all.

I want to continue with the book and go to therapy next week with some insight. Can you help me figure out who she is?

One thing that stood out to me is that the only thing you mention about your father is that he was the breadwinner.

Clearly if your mom worked, she was also the breadwinner.

Why don’t you mention that he also didn’t miss work when you were sick? It sounds like he wasn’t at events either?

It is interesting to me that you have focused on your mom here.

+1

It’s always mom’s fault

+1 Don't forget it was a lot more difficult to take off work decades ago. You had less vacation/sick time and bosses weren't as flexible as they are today. You couldn't just leave work to attend a school play or sports game. My parents never saw any of my games in middle or high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re familiar with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I need your help!

My therapist suspects my mother was/is emotionally immature, and advised me to read the book. But I can’t fit my mother into either of the four categories.

I lean more towards Driven, but she wasn’t aiming for MY perfection, it was other things. The house, her body, her work. Her work came first. She sent me to school with chicken pox and told me to lie and say it was mosquito bites. Sent me to school vomiting, sick with the flu, and refused to pick me up, so I would sit in the nurse’s office. I was always the kid scanning the crowd for a parent. Her reasoning wasn’t financial, my father was breadwinner. She just refused to miss work for anything. Ever.

At home, everything had to be perfect. We would get up at 7am on weekends to vacuum and dust. Things had to be meticulous, inside and out. We would have to pick individual leaves from the landscape bark in the fall, shovel perfect edges in the winter, for example. And yes, my mother has childhood trauma.

Everything had to be perfect and work came first. Always. But she didn’t necessarily care to perfect us kids at all.

I want to continue with the book and go to therapy next week with some insight. Can you help me figure out who she is?

One thing that stood out to me is that the only thing you mention about your father is that he was the breadwinner.

Clearly if your mom worked, she was also the breadwinner.

Why don’t you mention that he also didn’t miss work when you were sick? It sounds like he wasn’t at events either?

It is interesting to me that you have focused on your mom here.

+1

It’s always mom’s fault

+1 Don't forget it was a lot more difficult to take off work decades ago. You had less vacation/sick time and bosses weren't as flexible as they are today. You couldn't just leave work to attend a school play or sports game. My parents never saw any of my games in middle or high school.

Agreed. You are viewing things in today's lens. In the 70s/80s, most women stayed home so the ones who worked definitely had a lot to prove to the male-dominated workforce and couldn't just take days off for random illnesses. I think you are blaming your mom for just trying to be a working mother in those days and not understanding what she was up against in her career. And yes, what about your dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you grew up on the 70s/80s with a parent who had high standards?

Like sending a kid with active chicken pox to school?

[Anonymous]

This reads more like some personality disorders than immaturity. Immature parents are the ones who are the victims and always need help, it's like you feel you're THEIR parent, not the other way around. Perfectionism can be a problem, but I don't see it as immaturity. In fact they say emotional immaturity in parents leads to perfectionism in CHILDREN. With outdoor jobs like you describe, this looks like she wanted her property to look nice for others, like typical keeping up with the Joneses.