What do you consider a helicopter parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overly enmeshed, invested. Use of “we” to describe the child activities — we are doing soccer this year, we have a math test.

Just chiming in to say this phrasing bugs me, too, and I can't explain why. I realize it's kind of petty. I saw that in the chat group for our grade at the beginning of the school year. "WE have Mrs. Larla!" Uh, no, YOU don't.

I haven't encountered a parent using this phrasing but would definitely find it annoying. I've always been bothered by the "We're pregnant!" Two people make a baby, and two people have a baby, but only one gets the fun 9 months.

[Anonymous]

This thread made me wonder - what would my grandmothers and grandfathers think was a helicopter parent, and would the definition differ from mine? I certainly had different ages for my kids roaming the neighborhood then when my parents were allowed to do it.

[Anonymous]

I actually personally find it challenging as a parent to STOP doing things for my kids. Old habits die hard.

Now that mine are tweens/teens, I'm very mindful of consciously handing off responsibility for things they can/should manage themselves now. I'm sure plenty of DCUMland would call that negligent parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I define a helicopter parent as one who cares so much they will intervene in issues where there child clearly is at fault to prevent a just consequence. Or who will intervene to get their child preference when the kid hasn't earned preference. Or who will some day show up at their kids' job interview when the kid is an adult.

Example: not helicopter parenting to politely teach your middle school aged kid how to ask a coach what they need to do in order to earn more playing time on a sports team. Helicopter parenting to go up to said coach yourself and demand the kid get more playing time without showing any additional effort/skill development.

+1. Some people called me a helicoptor parent because I removed my child from their five growling dogs after arriving to pick them up from a playdate (they are a bit over a year old). I was dismissed as overly anxious, high-strung and a helicoptor parent. Obviously, addressing known safety risks (they had promised to keep the dogs outside for the playdate) is not being a helicoptor parent and LO will not be returning, despite them being DH"s coworkers and our friends. I was attacked viciously by a neighbor's dog as a child and have zero tolerance for risks like that. When we left, their child was on the floor, eating chicken and the dogs were again growling and jostling for pieces because they hadn't been fed on time and it was now several hours after their normal feed time.

People need to adjust their expectations of what actual helicoptor parenting is and understand it harms the child, stunting their development.. preventing a mauling isn't that.

My friend once called me a helicopter parent because we were on a boat and I was hovering over my 2 year old so she wouldn’t fall out of the boat. I absolutely was hovering over my child. At the time, I thought I would be reckless if I wasn’t watching my child! I feel like people just throw the term helicopter parent around.

[Anonymous]

"Helicopter parents" are so-called because of their hovering nature. This means they are over-involved in all aspects of their kid's life. Telling your child to complete his homework/assignments? Parenting. Knowing exactly what his homework and assignments are without being told by your kid? Congrats, you are a helicopter parent.

[Anonymous]

A helicopter parent is anyone who is more involved than I am, and an absent/checked out parent is anyone less involved than I am. Hope that helps!

[Anonymous]

Why do Americans think so differently about parenting than other places?

In my country, of course we involve ourselves in our children’s lives; that’s a parents job. Just letting a child makes choices for himself leads to childish outcomes, which are not optimal.

This is why we are the ones to select the activities, the school, and eventually their partner in the marriage. This is a system which has Ben proven to work because it is an ancient system.

Why can’t Americans see this?

[Anonymous]

My friend is the definition of a helicopter parent: she volunteers for every field trip and will drive behind the school bus when she is not selected to join. She meets with the teacher when her child tells her that someone excluded her from play at recess. She won’t let anyone drive her upper elementary children but me and her parents.

I think helicopter parents (at least of the mom variety) just have unmedicated anxiety. Without lexapro we might have many more, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A helicopter parent is anyone who is more involved than I am, and an absent/checked out parent is anyone less involved than I am. Hope that helps!

This about sums it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do Americans think so differently about parenting than other places?

In my country, of course we involve ourselves in our children’s lives; that’s a parents job. Just letting a child makes choices for himself leads to childish outcomes, which are not optimal.

This is why we are the ones to select the activities, the school, and eventually their partner in the marriage. This is a system which has Ben proven to work because it is an ancient system.

Why can’t Americans see this?

This also happens in America. Tribalism, classism, racism, religious discrimination are usually components of ancient systems designed to reinforce the power of particular groups by keeping people from those groups together and in power and others out. There is a lot of paternalism and collectivism involved and although America remains paternalistic we are very individualistic. Would you arrange a marriage to someone of the same gender if your child identified as LGBTQ?

[Anonymous]

Everyone on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I define a helicopter parent as one who cares so much they will intervene in issues where there child clearly is at fault to prevent a just consequence. Or who will intervene to get their child preference when the kid hasn't earned preference. Or who will some day show up at their kids' job interview when the kid is an adult.

Example: not helicopter parenting to politely teach your middle school aged kid how to ask a coach what they need to do in order to earn more playing time on a sports team. Helicopter parenting to go up to said coach yourself and demand the kid get more playing time without showing any additional effort/skill development.

Yup this. Nothing in the OP is considered helicoptering, but all of the above PLUS test prep to get your child into advanced academics are helicoptering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do Americans think so differently about parenting than other places?

In my country, of course we involve ourselves in our children’s lives; that’s a parents job. Just letting a child makes choices for himself leads to childish outcomes, which are not optimal.

This is why we are the ones to select the activities, the school, and eventually their partner in the marriage. This is a system which has Ben proven to work because it is an ancient system.

Why can’t Americans see this?

This also happens in America. Tribalism, classism, racism, religious discrimination are usually components of ancient systems designed to reinforce the power of particular groups by keeping people from those groups together and in power and others out. There is a lot of paternalism and collectivism involved and although America remains paternalistic we are very individualistic. Would you arrange a marriage to someone of the same gender if your child identified as LGBTQ?

Yes, I would arrange a marriage with such a person that my kid chooses. The aim is to encourage the child to be fulfilled, healthy, successful and happy.

However, I would intervene if they wanted to do drugs. Becase it is not healthy and will not lead them to be successful, even if they assure me that they will be fulfilled and happy doing drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I define a helicopter parent as one who cares so much they will intervene in issues where there child clearly is at fault to prevent a just consequence. Or who will intervene to get their child preference when the kid hasn't earned preference. Or who will some day show up at their kids' job interview when the kid is an adult.

Example: not helicopter parenting to politely teach your middle school aged kid how to ask a coach what they need to do in order to earn more playing time on a sports team. Helicopter parenting to go up to said coach yourself and demand the kid get more playing time without showing any additional effort/skill development.

+1. Some people called me a helicoptor parent because I removed my child from their five growling dogs after arriving to pick them up from a playdate (they are a bit over a year old). I was dismissed as overly anxious, high-strung and a helicoptor parent. Obviously, addressing known safety risks (they had promised to keep the dogs outside for the playdate) is not being a helicoptor parent and LO will not be returning, despite them being DH"s coworkers and our friends. I was attacked viciously by a neighbor's dog as a child and have zero tolerance for risks like that. When we left, their child was on the floor, eating chicken and the dogs were again growling and jostling for pieces because they hadn't been fed on time and it was now several hours after their normal feed time.

People need to adjust their expectations of what actual helicoptor parenting is and understand it harms the child, stunting their development.. preventing a mauling isn't that.

You sound less like a helicopter parent and more like someone with anxiety who tends to overreact and exaggerate her experiences. I doubt a one year old was fighting with a dog over food

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or we are going to Johnny’s football game or we have soccer. We know many families who have multiple kids who play soccer on the weekends.

I mean, if we're all going to Johnny's football game, then that's an accurate statement. Not sure how you think that's helicoptering. We like to support our children in their activities.