Anyone Stay After a Betrayal/Affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m staying even though my wife had an affair. Finances aren’t an issue, everything is separate. But I do care for her and am trying to forgive.

❤️ I wish you the absolute best.

I used to think I would kick DH to the curb if I found out about any infidelity. Now, in middle age, I’m not so sure any more. I don’t see it so black and white.

As someone who has been in this situation you may feel differently if it actually happens. It’s not the thing that does the damage, it’s the lies, the crazy making and gaslighting that do the real damage. A judgment lapse with a stranger at the hotel bar during a girls weekend is a lot different than 18 months of lies.

PP here. Definitely. I just meant that I am not sure how I would feel. I used to be very certain and now I’m not.

[Anonymous]

Stayed but not because I love him or forgave him. It’s just easier to stay. If I found out he cheated again, I don’t even think I would care.

[Anonymous]

I stayed when I thought it was a one night stand - too much to drink at a conference, taken advantage of by a senior manager - but it turned out she had been f-ing him for months. Thankfully we didn’t have any children as we’d only been married for two years. Our marital assets were limited but I had a high income and high non marital assets so I was fine. She had a very modest income so her life changed quickly. I’m happily remarried with children and she is out of my life.

[Anonymous]

I stayed and forgave him and he still ended up leaving me for another woman about five years down the road.

I’m good now - seeing someone who is honest and kind and I can’t believe I wasted five years with a cheater when I could have either been on my own or with someone great.

Save yourself the heartache!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed and forgave him and he still ended up leaving me for another woman about five years down the road.

I’m good now - seeing someone who is honest and kind and I can’t believe I wasted five years with a cheater when I could have either been on my own or with someone great.

Save yourself the heartache!

How did you completely get over your anger?
I left my cheater who tried to come back, but I still replay where I allowed them forgiveness the 1st time instead of completely ending abruptly.
They are dead to.me, but I wish I had of made things much worse for them when I had the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

What about when the spouse has an emotional affair, they didn’t have sex because of distance but they say I love you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about when the spouse has an emotional affair, they didn’t have sex because of distance but they say I love you?

That is an affair. The only reason their penis and vagina did not meet was because of distance. If the distance was not there, they would be blowing backs out….

[Anonymous]

I know many people on here, mostly people w/young children advocate for staying w/a spouse who has betrayed them - but I do not agree.

Cheating usually involves more than the actual act itself (which btw, is the worst way one can emotionally hurt someone!)
But often along w/the actual infidelity there are also lies, gaslighting, etc. involved.

Anyone who would continue living under the same roof w/someone who possesses these characteristics must be someone w/very low self-esteem.
Because as cliche as it is - it really is very true that life in itself is so very short.
And we all only get one opportunity at it.

It is unthinkable for me to invest time in someone after they would do something so terrible to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many people on here, mostly people w/young children advocate for staying w/a spouse who has betrayed them - but I do not agree.

Cheating usually involves more than the actual act itself (which btw, is the worst way one can emotionally hurt someone!)
But often along w/the actual infidelity there are also lies, gaslighting, etc. involved.

Anyone who would continue living under the same roof w/someone who possesses these characteristics must be someone w/very low self-esteem.
Because as cliche as it is - it really is very true that life in itself is so very short.
And we all only get one opportunity at it.

It is unthinkable for me to invest time in someone after they would do something so terrible to me.

No. Cheating is an absolute sign of low self esteem and a whole host of other issues.

The betrayed are often very very strong people. They make choices for reasons that are the best for their children.

[Anonymous]

I don't see what's wrong with making the rational choice to stay together for the benefit of the kids...to be able to continue to spend time with them every day, that has value.

If you can still be civil and get some action on the side, so be it. That's the way it works in most of the world. The answer is not Divorce Inc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see what's wrong with making the rational choice to stay together for the benefit of the kids...to be able to continue to spend time with them every day, that has value.

If you can still be civil and get some action on the side, so be it. That's the way it works in most of the world. The answer is not Divorce Inc.

The problem with the cheating is the lying and sneaking around. If there was no lying it would just be an open marriage, which is fine if that works for you.

If I’ve learned anything from this board it’s that even the most repentant cheater can turn around and cheat again weeks, months, or even years later. I would not want to stay and invest in a marriage where I was already betrayed once only for it to happen again.

[Anonymous]

I stayed and we're now 17 years later.

It required a lot of therapy, a genuine desire on my DH's part to change his behavior and rebuild and a heck of a lot of fortitude on my part.

Most marriages survive infidelity, but the research can't say how many are happy or under what conditions. I believe my husband has been faithful these last 17 years, and our marriage is a strong partnership. We've had tough times since. When you read stories if long marriages you hear people say there were bad years or rough patches. Our worst rough patch was harder than most marriages, and we've had rough patches since. But we've also done alot of work to have to better marriage.

Both parties have to be willing to work at it. That is key. you can't force it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce when you have young children is just selfish if there is no physical danger and you can make it through with effort. Have a fling and keep it together for the kids. Just fake being happy in front of them, it's not that hard. Especially, if you are getting your own revenge on the side.

Revenge is a dish best served cold!