Mom won’t accept help caring for Dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has dementia not what you want to hear but why start chemo? Dementia is miserable especially on top of cancer. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Good point.

+1 that was my thought too. Dementia and a feeding tube - it might be worthwhile to at least meet with a palliative care team to clarify goals (it’s different than hospice). If may be your dad wishes to go full-steam ahead and of course that should be respected - but he might be doing it for your mom. Is he able to participate in discussions about his care and preferences?

It sounds like you’ve done everything you can. I think it’s okay to take a step back.

+1 - OP, how old is your father? Do you know if it's your mother and father suggesting chemo and further treatment or the doctors?

If your mother is dug in to "save" your father you may not change her mind, but I think this is a conversation that must be had.

[Anonymous]

I took care of my husband at home until he died of cancer. Lots of care. I wanted to do it and didn’t want other people in our home. Just ask if you can have groceries, etc delivered and just leave her be. She is grieving.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mom is a force to be reckoned with. I think you've really done all you can. Having the nurses there to back her up is great. Eventually she will collapse, and you will be there with her to help pick up the pieces. Which is what caring for our parents really is to a large degree. We can't control them if they are adults in their right mind with free will.

It is sad that she is putting your dad through so much when it doesn't sound like he has hope of making a meaningful recovery given PC and the dementia. Perhaps a doctor could gently point that out to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mom is a force to be reckoned with. I think you've really done all you can. Having the nurses there to back her up is great. Eventually she will collapse, and you will be there with her to help pick up the pieces. Which is what caring for our parents really is to a large degree. We can't control them if they are adults in their right mind with free will.

It is sad that she is putting your dad through so much when it doesn't sound like he has hope of making a meaningful recovery given PC and the dementia. Perhaps a doctor could gently point that out to her.

This. Doctors have a lot of cred with your parents’ generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took care of my husband at home until he died of cancer. Lots of care. I wanted to do it and didn’t want other people in our home. Just ask if you can have groceries, etc delivered and just leave her be. She is grieving.

Good point. Sorry for your loss, pp.

[Anonymous]

We went through a similar situation with my parents. My mom refused to get help caring for my dad with advanced Parkinson's.

The caregiver role suited her, and she wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

She is struggling tremendously after his death, because she never developed retirement interests. She's relatively healthy but bored and very lonely.

She needs a buddy but doesn't have any close friends in her hometown.

[Anonymous]

OP - are you the same poster who posted about skilled nursing facilities but ended going with home care?

[Anonymous]

Putting your dad through chemo in his state sounds akin to elder abuse, honestly.

I would talk to his doctors and ask for their blunt feedback on whether these treatments are helping or hurting his quality of life.

[Anonymous]

When my father was dying of cancer, my mom tried to handle everything herself. One of the hospice nurses spoke to my mother privately and told her that although she’d done a great job of caring for my father, it was time for her to let them handle the medical side and for her to just focus on her most important job: being his loving wife. She told my mom that his final days shouldn’t be full of her rushing around with an endless to-do list, that he just needed her love and companionship. That conversation freed my mom to step back and she was super grateful to the nurse.