I see what you're saying but I've also seen this used to basically cover up very bad behavior. Like this is the right response if the thing they are complaining about is some basic misunderstanding or minor conflict, but if a friend comes to you and says "I'm so upset I just found out Larla told our boss I have a drinking problem and now I'm not up for that promotion anymore," and your response is "oh have never had a problem with Larla, myself," you might be essentially condoning Larla's crap behavior and gaslighting your friend. And if you don't believe what they are saying about Larla, then probably you aren't even friends with them in the first place because that would be a very weird/crazy thing to lie about. |
I would not lie and pretend I agree with friend, but I'd pay close attention to her story and ask a lot of questions. Kind of like in a therapy session. It's not like we normally pass judgment on what our friends tell us, right? |
+1 |
This ... if it has nothing to do with you: listen and never tell them they are wrong - unless they actually are asking for your advice.
(btw, you do not have to listen them *endlessly* ... if they aren't asking for your advice, and they aren't working to solve their own problems) |
Validate their feelings,
Not necessarily their actions |
Op here,
Basically friend is the type to totally invalidate any feeling, opinion or idea that differs from her worldview. She told me that a coworker said “you are dismissive of anything that you don’t agree with” and she’s saying “I’m not like that, right?!”. Meanwhile, I’m thinking she is exactly like that and I know it’s not the first time she’s been told so. |
Understood. But if they are complaining about someone's manner of dress, or they are just being gossipy, it honestly does not affect me, so I will not entertain what they are saying. Completely depends on the context. |
Then why didn't you say so, to your "friend"? Use your words, OP. Better to tell your "friend' straight out - she is asking you directly, why would you not tell her?? |
In this case it's fair to say, "you mean like right now?" |
This exactly. And when it's circling back to something we had already discussed/I'd already given my opinion: "this pain is still bothering me!" "I remember we discussed this and you were agreeing you should call your MD. What did the MD say?" When directly asked, I answer truthfully. Have never lost friends over it. But I also don't start sentences with "no offense but..." |