I wish the moms of the excluding kids could see the emails DD sends me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

So she’s tried every other group at school and no one wants to be friends with her? That sounds off. Regardless I’d be trying to build up her outside of school life if school isn’t her place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but is she chasing after the popular crowd?
So many kids bang their heads into the wall by doing this in middle school.

Make sure she is actively friending the other kids who on the outside, looking in. There are definitely more.

OP here. The kids are all still grouped by ES - it’s weird. Originally she tried branching out but the other groups wanted to just keep their ES friends so she is back with the girls she knew in ES. A bunch of them will leave for private in 9th and I’m really hoping that breaks up the friend cartel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

What do the other girls at school do? Do they ignore your kid? Sometimes the problem is the other kids, but other times the issue is your kid. There is nothing you can do about the other kids. Very nice kids can have bad social skills. Have you seen how she interacts with peers? Does she asseess social situations well? I have a kid who doesn't which is why I ask.

What about focusing on building out of school friendships through sports, art, church, volunteering, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

So she’s tried every other group at school and no one wants to be friends with her? That sounds off. Regardless I’d be trying to build up her outside of school life if school isn’t her place.

I would help her join some clubs at school and meet up with people she has things in common with, it was truly the way to go for our DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school can be the worst. It only gets better from here.
I would focus on building up her life and self-esteem outside of school. Fortunately, everything shakes out in the 9th grade even if you're at a prek->12.
It's like a dagger to the heart as a parent, I know. But it will pass, she'll be stronger for it, and a silver lining is that she isn't one of the excluding girls or followers, right?

OP here. Thank you. This is what I keep hoping but it’s cold comfort to her in the meantime. She has very nice friends at her sport, but none go to her school. It makes the 7.5 school day feel very long and lonely. It’s been a long two years. And we’ve still got one more before high school.

I’m so sorry, OP. Middle school can be cruel and often it makes no sense why some kids are on the fringe. FWIW, I noticed things changed a bit in 8th grade for all my kids. Not drastically, not enough. High school was still the best thing to happen to my 3. This is hard for you, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

Op, we moved our DD to another school when this became too much. Outside interests just tore her away from her daily social circle and while she had friends within her teammates we were concerned about her daily social life and maturity at school. It was a process but she did quite well socially in middle school once we moved her and I think God I did not listen to my friends telling me this is just middle school. No, it is little girls being queen bees and their parents do not give two seconds thoughts about it, instead addressing it as normal teen behavior. Good luck.

I'm confused about what you would have parents do...they are very old to have their weekend time dictated by parents. It sounds like they're nice enough in school, which is the main thing I think parents can help address.

[Anonymous]

By OPs own words these girls are being nice and talking in school. If OP’s daughter is not being included beyond that it’s up to her to be the invitee/organizer. If they don’t ever accept the she needs to fine more friends. Not every person fulfills every part of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

Op, we moved our DD to another school when this became too much. Outside interests just tore her away from her daily social circle and while she had friends within her teammates we were concerned about her daily social life and maturity at school. It was a process but she did quite well socially in middle school once we moved her and I think God I did not listen to my friends telling me this is just middle school. No, it is little girls being queen bees and their parents do not give two seconds thoughts about it, instead addressing it as normal teen behavior. Good luck.

Sometimes, it's the girl herself. And I say this as someone whose DD went through something similar. She had lost all her friend group in MS. IMO, DD was very immature and didn't know how to handle conflict very well. TBF, neither did most of those girls.

DD now has a small core group in HS, and there are some girls on the periphery. DD brought a girl into her group; she had lost all her friends, and DD felt badly for her. DD is actually a very sensitive and sympathetic, kind person. Then this friend kind of turned on my DD, and now my DD is starting to push her out.

I'm not saying OP's DD did something wrong, but I do think most of the time, the personalities just clash, and neither side is completely innocent of the friendship breaking down, or in this case, a girl not being part of the core group.

Sometimes it could be that there was a core group to begin with, and your DD is on the periphery. They will talk to your DD at school; have lunch with her, but they don't include her in weekend activities.

Is your DD involved in a club? Any other activities outside of school?

[Anonymous]

Have her organize something with kids from her after school activities group on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

Op, we moved our DD to another school when this became too much. Outside interests just tore her away from her daily social circle and while she had friends within her teammates we were concerned about her daily social life and maturity at school. It was a process but she did quite well socially in middle school once we moved her and I think God I did not listen to my friends telling me this is just middle school. No, it is little girls being queen bees and their parents do not give two seconds thoughts about it, instead addressing it as normal teen behavior. Good luck.

Good move, and glad it worked out. Re those other girls, apple does not fall far from the tree. This post hits home to many I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her to stop emailing you and stop chasing people who don't want to be her friends. Tell her to focus on other people who she's possibly ignoring while she's paying attention to these kids who don't include her in their weekend plans.

She’s tried several other groups. At least this group talks to her at school.

If everyone is pushing her away, then she's not as "typical" as you think she is. There is something off-putting about her that you're not seeing/refusing to see. It's like that saying "if you run into three *ss*oles every day, you're the *ss*ole."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From school. They are heartbreaking. If you don’t receive emails like this from your child at school, you can’t understand how powerless and sad you feel as a parent.

She just wrote me the “friends” are nice enough but she’s still always left out and doesn’t fit in. They all hung out last weekend and are planning to do so again this weekend. She says she wishes she had friends that would think of her and choose her.

She is a nice girl with normal maturity and interests. There is no obvious reason this is happening. I just don’t understand why or what to do about it. 7th grade, just turned 13 but it’s been an issue all of middle school.

Is there a way you could make the other girls include her on these invites?

Maybe text thr girls’ moms to see if they could make their daughters invite your’s.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this kindly, but is she chasing after the popular crowd?
So many kids bang their heads into the wall by doing this in middle school.

Make sure she is actively friending the other kids who on the outside, looking in. There are definitely more.

OP here. The kids are all still grouped by ES - it’s weird. Originally she tried branching out but the other groups wanted to just keep their ES friends so she is back with the girls she knew in ES. A bunch of them will leave for private in 9th and I’m really hoping that breaks up the friend cartel.

You say these girls are nice to your daughter during the school day. You say that your daughter has friends outside of school. What are looking for exactly. In my view, a mother who refers to a bunch of 7th graders as a "cartel" has issues. This is what you are passing on to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

From school. They are heartbreaking. If you don’t receive emails like this from your child at school, you can’t understand how powerless and sad you feel as a parent.

She just wrote me the “friends” are nice enough but she’s still always left out and doesn’t fit in. They all hung out last weekend and are planning to do so again this weekend. She says she wishes she had friends that would think of her and choose her.

I empathize, as my son only has in school friends and not people to make plans with outside of school (except for one boy who goes to a different school, that person is a true friend but has limited availability). However, I am not sure what the other parents could do except suggest that the kids invite your daughter one time and give her a chance. If that doesn't take, I don't know that they are compelled to continue inviting her to do things outside school, but they should be nice to her at school.

[Anonymous]

If you can convince her, she should try out theatre. Those kids are the most welcoming, supportive crowd. My daughter is now a senior in high school and I've seen how open they are to everyone. She and her high school theater people also regularly go to the other local high schools and their middle schools to cheer those kids on.