I feel like my dc might have anxious attachment issues and I can't work out what I did wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least you are aware and have a therapist to help you. I’m not a therapist but had an emotionally immature and probably depressed mother. Be conscious of how what you say and do impacts your DC—would you say or do this in public? If not, then you probably should not do it.

op - this was dc's therapist.
but i do have a therapist also.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you understand what anxious attachment is. Start by googling it and reading about it, and then of course talk to your therapist.

I think you’re thinking of the babies in Romanian orphanages in the 1980s who had attachment DISORDERS. Everyone has an attachment STYLE. An anxious attachment style isn’t great but it’s just one of the variations. The therapist should have explained this better.

[Anonymous]

What are his diagnoses, OP? Have you done a neuropsychological evaluation?

You can't do therapy and get those kinds of suspect labels without a full neuro. The therapy is only beneficial when you have ADHD, autism, or whatever diagnoses, and the pyschologist recommends the appropriate therapeutic approach for whatever your kid has.

Please understand that autism comes with a constellation of comorbidities. Often, there is ADHD and anxiety. Both of these things can lead to the symptoms you are seeing. Perhaps they could be alleviated with drugs, although sometimes ADHD stimulants can increase anxiety (it did for my son). Drugs are a trial and error process.

Point is: you need to proceed in order. An "attachment disorder" is downstream of a root-cause disorder like autism. Some of the downstream labels are controversial in the psychology field and don't really inform if little is known about the full psych profile of the patient.

[Anonymous]

10:18 again.

Also

A. Leave your guilt and shame behind FOREVER. They have no place in your life when you are parenting children. You parent the kid you have, you try to be the best parent you can be, while also giving yourself grace.

B. All these profiles exist on a spectrum. Where does one draw the line from "tendencies" to "full-blown disorder" is a perennial question. Don't immediately catastrophize. Take it all in stride and do what you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would ask Jeff to move this to the SN forum. I think the neurodiversity is an important fact in your post.

+1 it’s common with neurodiversity. I would not blame your parenting!

Also, I had wonderful parents but pursued unavailable “bad boys” in my early twenties. Not my parents’ fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old and what are the behaviors that she is exhibiting?

10. emotional reactivity, irritability and low distress tolerance. Poor emotional regulation. this has been the case for a long time and the reason i would not move it to the sn board is that i think when you have a kid with sn (in our case adhd with some 'pieces' of asd like inflexibility) people tend to attribute 'everything' to that, but there are absolutely some aspects that I think are really maybe personality/ nurture based. so am curious about others experiences.

NP. These are basically the definition of ADHD and/or ASD (that is why they can occur together or be difficult to separate). This is not about parenting, it's who they are. You may need to be more explicit in your parenting so they will be able to recognize your love for them - but other than by your genes, you didn't cause this.

Remember that children with ADHD or ASD are approximately 3 years delayed in maturity. IOW, time will help with a lot of this but it will take longer than for NT kids. He will mature and grow and get better at all of this but will probably always be reactive and emotional - and that's okay! Not everyone needs to be phlegmatic. There's room for everyone in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least you are aware and have a therapist to help you. I’m not a therapist but had an emotionally immature and probably depressed mother. Be conscious of how what you say and do impacts your DC—would you say or do this in public? If not, then you probably should not do it.

op - this was dc's therapist.
but i do have a therapist also.

Dump your DC's therapist. They sound clueless.

[Anonymous]

Look into dialectical behavioral therapy

[Anonymous]

CIO/sleep training contribute to this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe going out 2 times per year is the problem, not proof you were doing the right things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old and what are the behaviors that she is exhibiting?

10. emotional reactivity, irritability and low distress tolerance. Poor emotional regulation. this has been the case for a long time and the reason i would not move it to the sn board is that i think when you have a kid with sn (in our case adhd with some 'pieces' of asd like inflexibility) people tend to attribute 'everything' to that, but there are absolutely some aspects that I think are really maybe personality/ nurture based. so am curious about others experiences.

It's the interplay between the 2, OP. And the interplay between personalities. ASD and ADHD impact how the child "receives" and "interprets" your parenting. I think something like Dan Shapiro's class may help you more than general parenting advice.

Has this therapist given you any actionable steps to take? If not, driving your anxiety is the OPPOSITE of helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe going out 2 times per year is the problem, not proof you were doing the right things.

NP. Come babysit my ADHD/ASD kids while DH and I got out. Then we'll be able to go out for date night a couple times a month, just like you do. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least you are aware and have a therapist to help you. I’m not a therapist but had an emotionally immature and probably depressed mother. Be conscious of how what you say and do impacts your DC—would you say or do this in public? If not, then you probably should not do it.

op - this was dc's therapist.
but i do have a therapist also.

OP you need goal oriented parent training re: your DC's diagnoses. Dump DC's therapist, opposite of helpful. Dan Shapiro class is way more useful than talk therapy. Drop this self flagellation schtick and educate yourself and spouse. You may well have anxiety and other overlap with DC's diagnoses that lead to overwhelm and rumination in you. That is why you need a very particular kind of parent coaching. You are spinning your wheels and wasting time with the team you have in place and your anxiety, driven by the poorly informed therapist is not only detrimental to you but to both of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe going out 2 times per year is the problem, not proof you were doing the right things.

NP. Come babysit my ADHD/ASD kids while DH and I got out. Then we'll be able to go out for date night a couple times a month, just like you do. Thanks!

I don't know about your kids, but OP's kid seems like they would have benefitted from some exposure to life without OP. You start with an hour during the day and build, if it's a struggle. Otherwise, you find yourself with a 10 year old like OP. She didn't say ASD, which is obviously very different. I have a lot of experience with anxiety and exposure is a huge part of the remedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what anxious attachment is. Start by googling it and reading about it, and then of course talk to your therapist.

I think you’re thinking of the babies in Romanian orphanages in the 1980s who had attachment DISORDERS. Everyone has an attachment STYLE. An anxious attachment style isn’t great but it’s just one of the variations. The therapist should have explained this better.

+1. I am a therapist and you need to understand the difference between anxious attachment and Reactive Attachment Disorder, neither of which I suspect your child has. Frankly I'm very surprised your therapist would suggest this. Do you trust them generally? To me this is classic ADHD anxiety.