Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hear the pain in your post. I'm sorry your family is struggling so much and know just how difficult it is, especially when I think back with my oldest DS who has ADHD/anxiety. I'll give you the same advice his psychiatrist gave me (and I've posted about before). "Your job is to get your DC through high school without a substance abuse issue and without depression. Everything else can be 'fixed' later."[i] It's excellent advice. It helps you keep your focus on what's most important and where your resources should be directed.
This doesn't mean you don't have expectations, requirements or boundaries for your DS. You and your DS need to be clear and in agreement with them as well as the consequences for when they aren't met. They need to be reasonable and defined up front.
For example, I would let go of a clean bedroom. I WOULD require that there be no food consumed in the bedroom and that if it smells, he must immediately clean it so that it no longer smells. At a minimum, this would be doing his laundry (he needs to do it himself) including washing his sheets AND his pillow. If he doesn't do it, then he loses a privilege. For my DS, it was loss of cell phone or inability to play video games until the smell was gone, laundry done and put away. For DD is was her cell phone and not being able to do extracurriculars except school related things and sports (sports have a LOT of health benefits are weren't on the table).
School: Your DS doesn't not need to go to college immediately after HS. Your DS does need to graduate from HS. He does not need to maintain a certain GPA. He does need to pass the classes required for graduation. So, every week, review what assignments are due the coming week, validate he's completed and turned in all assignments. If not, have him email the teacher and ask when he can stay after school to complete his work. He loses privileges until his teacher has indicated all work is completed. If he doesn't having passing grades in those classes, he needs to contact the teacher for additional support.
College: We had conversations with all our kids that if they expected to go away to college, we needed to see them demonstrate skills independently that were needed - things like keeping up on their school work without oversight, keeping up on their laundry, getting themselves up for school by themselves, signing up for the SAT, applying for schools, etc. My oldest DS did not demonstrate those skills. In February his senior year, as his friends were getting acceptance letters, he had nothing. Didn't even take the SAT despite my reminders or apply anywhere. It was painful to see but even though we knew he was capable, he was unlikely to be successful if he went away to college. We couldn't afford to waste that kind of money and, importantly, we didn't want him to experience an avoidable failure.
My DS, now 21, is doing great. He wanted to go to college so he did 2 years at community college (can't say enough good things about it). He learned all those lessons he should have learned in HS and matured a lot. He's at a 4 year college and is really successful. His grades are good (not great) and he's involved in a lot of activities on campus. There's no way he would have been able to do this right out of HS. It's not just that he didn't have the skills, he wasn't motivated.
There is NOTHING you can do if your DS isn't motivated. You can't make him want what you want. It's hard to step away from that because you know how it should be. But, you have to. Focus on what's important - get him through HS without depression, without a substance issue. Identify the minimum requirements and the consequences when he doesn't meet them. Then, get a glass of wine and take calming breaths. Hugs.
This is OP - thank you so much for your post. It's so wonderful to hear that your DS is flourishing now.
I'll reach out and see if we can get my DS to a psychiatrist - his PCP is good but I'd rather have a psychiatrist manage his meds. I think he may also need to be screened for ADHD, and have screen time/phone time limited as consequences.
To the person who asked about family history of mood disorder: yes, almost every relative (including myself) suffers from depression and anxiety. Part of it is genetic, I'm sure, but my whole family has had extremely difficult lives - like 7 or 8 on the ACES test. I've tried to keep my son's life as drama-free as possible and to provide for his every need.
I keep my own depression away from him and never talk about it at home.
To the PP who suggested watching out for substance abuse: no, that's thankfully not an issue.
Thanks, everyone. Off to cry some more.
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