Struggling socially after divorce

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am weird but I felt oddly proud to be divorced and on my own. Can you change your mindset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to be in your situation.

I don’t really care so much about socializing with other parents, and basically don’t put much stock in what they might think. Maybe figure out what the stakes of these interactions seem to be for you?

One thing that has helped me is making plans to hang out in a nearby city where I have some friends but no one knows me as a mom/wife. I’m enjoying feeling like my pre-marriage single self again and having experiences I associate with another period in my life. I am restarting some hobbies and generally trying to use this time as a creative reset to consider life outside of the frame that people think it should be in. A lot of this is about shoulds. Have the strength to question those implicit norms, see yourself outside of how you subconsciously judge yourself.

What really gets me is when I hang out one on one with close friends and their entire family, including kids and husband. That I find very hard and sad, I feel like someone looking in from the outside at a dream I once thought I had. But I remind myself that like PP said my choice took courage and we don’t know where this road will lead.

Hugs, OP. You’ve gone through a trauma.

This is such excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you worried the wives will think you're hitting on their husbands? Are you worried you'll get sad seeing the Happily Married Couples? What is holding you back?

This does happen. Just another added stressor that happens whenever I actually try to be social.

As a single mom, I have noticed this as well. God forbid my kid wants to set up a playdate and I have to approach the dad (who perhaps is the one at pickup) to give him my number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not even sure why I am posting - maybe in hopes that some of you will have some tips?

I got a divorce a few years ago and the outside world thinks I have it all together. I have a great career, great friends, a great financial situation and am very attractive.

But I have become increasingly anxious about any type of moderately social situations outside of my core friend group when it’s mostly couples, and I have no idea why I feel this way. I recognize that it makes no sense.

As part of this anxiety, I have pulled back in a lot of situations and now I am legitimately on the outside where at first it was probably just my perception. For example, I avoided all swim team parent social events the last two summers, of which there is one each week.

That turned me into an outsider in a way I wasn’t before, so the thought of going just fills me with even more dread and anxiety each year. I hate going to back to school nights.. my daughter’s softball games.. you name it.

I did start taking an antidepressant and am in therapy, but that hasn’t changed the anxiety I feel about these circumstances. I know I just need to suck it up and get over it, but I’m really struggling.

I think I just feel shameful about the divorce and I feel like such a socially awkward outsider among all of the other couples.

Divorce isn't something to be ashamed and proud of. It's a traumatic event for whole family and y'all should see a therapist and take some time to process. However, its time to move on and live your life. Your kids need you. Just dive back in and fake it until you feel comfortable. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:who the heck wants to go to a swim team social once a week? good god

Amen. I'm immigrant introvert who feels out of place at such occasions, DH was usually not available or too tired to attend so I always had to put on a social mask and endure.

[Anonymous]

My husband is depressed so I attend many events solo. He would come to certain events but not others. There's no shame in being divorced and therapy may help you with this perception or the related anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced 4 years. We never had couple friends. I had no social life married and no social life divorced. I am sad I did not get this couple social life married everyone seems to have. I don’t know what it is but I really don’t have time anyway. It is all work and kids all the time. I truly don’t know how other people seem to have time for social lives—I never have been able to have it my entire adult life. I do feel isolated but try not to think about it. If I were you, I would go alone.

In the process of divorcing now, but I really relate to the bolded. We had no couple friends and only very occasionally socialized with coworkers. I’ve always been envious of those with couple friends, but spouse was extremely resistant. So I went alone to things or I didn’t go.

I am now accepting every (there aren’t many) invitation that comes my way in an attempt to create a new life. I don’t worry about people seeing me as a threat, because I’m the opposite of OP. I worry more about seeming like a pitiable sad sack, so I fake being well-adjusted.

If it is something you want to do, OP, be brave and do it. If it isn’t fun, you can easily leave. What’s the worst that can happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH works non-stop, so I show up everywhere by myself. So that's that. Also, divorce takes a lot of courage and self-respect, and that's the opposite of shameful.

This this and this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been divorced 4 years. We never had couple friends. I had no social life married and no social life divorced. I am sad I did not get this couple social life married everyone seems to have. I don’t know what it is but I really don’t have time anyway. It is all work and kids all the time. I truly don’t know how other people seem to have time for social lives—I never have been able to have it my entire adult life. I do feel isolated but try not to think about it. If I were you, I would go alone.

It’s there, no,excuses, go,get it.

[Anonymous]

Might be a good idea to join a support group for divorced women.

[Anonymous]

Can you befriend other divorced parents? That’s what I’ve done.

Also, can you date, OP?