sharing care responsibilities with a sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

I think when people say this they mean if the sibling refuses, there is very little you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

To the detriment of your special needs toddler? That is what OP is expecting of her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

To the detriment of your special needs toddler? That is what OP is expecting of her brother.

Well, it's extremely unclear what OP is expecting of her brother specifically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

To the detriment of your special needs toddler? That is what OP is expecting of her brother.

Well, it's extremely unclear what OP is expecting of her brother specifically.

She describes the tasks as “very time consuming.” Op’s brother and his wife have made the decision that he should basically “daddy-track” his career which is very unusual and indictes he is needed at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

To the detriment of your special needs toddler? That is what OP is expecting of her brother.

Well, it's extremely unclear what OP is expecting of her brother specifically.

She describes the tasks as “very time consuming.” Op’s brother and his wife have made the decision that he should basically “daddy-track” his career which is very unusual and indictes he is needed at home.

Indeed, but what are those tasks and why can't OP's mother do them? Do they actually need to be done, even?

[Anonymous]

Your brother's wife is working full time while he mostly slacks off. Supposedly they have plenty of money . . . but his wife continues to work a job. Maybe look at that situation and realize their finances are limited? The reason for your brother's lack of work force participation is likely a physical or mental health problem they are not telling you about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother's wife is working full time while he mostly slacks off. Supposedly they have plenty of money . . . but his wife continues to work a job. Maybe look at that situation and realize their finances are limited? The reason for your brother's lack of work force participation is likely a physical or mental health problem they are not telling you about.

You don't know that-none of us do. OP's brother and wife have two small children, one with special needs. Maybe it's difficult to find appropriate daycare/nanny for the child with special needs and it's better for a parent to stay home with the kids and manage medical appointments and other needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

Literally, there is no legal obligation for someone to care for an aging parent. The moral obligation is on a sliding scale. If your parents abused you criminally, you have zero obligation; if you parents were toxic in a way that continues, you might make some excuses for them and feel some obligation as long as carrying out those obligations doesn't come at the expense of your mental health or caring for your kids; if your parents half-assed parenting, you can try to find some grace but pretty much you can half-ass any obligation you might feel to them. It's all a matter of context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

Literally, there is no legal obligation for someone to care for an aging parent. The moral obligation is on a sliding scale. If your parents abused you criminally, you have zero obligation; if you parents were toxic in a way that continues, you might make some excuses for them and feel some obligation as long as carrying out those obligations doesn't come at the expense of your mental health or caring for your kids; if your parents half-assed parenting, you can try to find some grace but pretty much you can half-ass any obligation you might feel to them. It's all a matter of context.

Thus my very first sentence . . . “Barring abuse or something.”

And i agree there’s no legal
obligation. But most definitely there is a moral a familial obligation. The US really sucks with re to how we view and treat the elderly. It’s, frankly, shameful. (And I also agree that there should be more options for families to support their elderly family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who did your mom choose?

Not sure I understand the question. She did not choose anyone and I am not sure that’s her choice to make.

I understood. I am one of five, and have always been last in my mom's estimation. I could speculate as to why but the bottom line is she has been toxic to me in a way she was not to my other siblings. At this point, she (and my dad) are quite self-sufficient (at 78, she still works at a job she picked up in her 60s after a life of being a SAHM). I am dreading when someone will look to me to be helpful to her and hope at least it will be when my kids are out of the house.

In my DH's family, the most helpful sibling is the same sibling whose mortgage and kids' tuitions are being paid by the grandparents. There is a reason why she carries more of the burden.

Parents definitely choose favorites, and it plays into who is more helpful later.

Absolutely agree.

Also OP, he isn't obigated to do ANYTHING at all. Be grateful he is contributing financially.

Barring abuse or something, I find this attitude towards parents to be despicable. I'm not saying they have to live with you or it needs to be a situation where you are providing 24/7 care for a parent with dementia but you feel no obligation to help an aging parent at all??????

I had not a great relationship with my parents but I would not help them in whatever ways I could.

Literally, there is no legal obligation for someone to care for an aging parent. The moral obligation is on a sliding scale. If your parents abused you criminally, you have zero obligation; if you parents were toxic in a way that continues, you might make some excuses for them and feel some obligation as long as carrying out those obligations doesn't come at the expense of your mental health or caring for your kids; if your parents half-assed parenting, you can try to find some grace but pretty much you can half-ass any obligation you might feel to them. It's all a matter of context.

Thus my very first sentence . . . “Barring abuse or something.”

And i agree there’s no legal
obligation. But most definitely there is a moral a familial obligation. The US really sucks with re to how we view and treat the elderly. It’s, frankly, shameful. (And I also agree that there should be more options for families to support their elderly family).

I think most people on this thread are disputing not whether there is a moral obligation to care for an elderly parent in need, but whether the 68 year old in question is really elderly and in need of such care.

[Anonymous]

The sad reality is that as a daughter AND as the geographically closest sibling you are going to be the one who is going to get sucked I to helping the most and being the go to person when things inevitably start going downhill with your mom.

I was the least favorite but now live the closest. I get so resentful some days. You need to throw money at the problem and NOT get sucked into doing everything. Your mom needs to move to a senior community. Don’t do everything for her and sacrifice the time with your kids and spouse to prevent this from happening. If you are always there your mother won’t feel a need to move where there is more support.

[Anonymous]

^ forgot to add. You are never going to be able to make your brother do anything that involves his time. You just won’t and society is not going to put any pressure on him to do anything. At least he will help financially.

[Anonymous]

The issue isn't taking care of an elderly parent, the issue is that the woman is 68 and already having OP do all sorts of things for her.

My point is that this is way too early to start. And I am someone who took care of father in the last years of his life, and currently taking care of my mother. To my own detriment on almost every level.

[Anonymous]

Hi, this is OP. Thanks for all the responses.

The question was not "help me determine if I am inventing care tasks", but "there are time-consuming admin tasks that can be done remotely. Given that due to my proximity to mom my family is already taking care of some errands for mom (think bring in heavy groceries, clean gutters, mow lawn, IT help), it makes sense to split some of the remote tasks (think taxes, fin assistance paperwork, fin planning, assisted living research, insurance paperwork - it's a lot and she cannot do it herself).

I mainly care to establish a precedent going forward that I am not the default person to take care of all physical and admin needs. There is some helpful advice there - thanks for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP. Thanks for all the responses.

The question was not "help me determine if I am inventing care tasks", but "there are time-consuming admin tasks that can be done remotely. Given that due to my proximity to mom my family is already taking care of some errands for mom (think bring in heavy groceries, clean gutters, mow lawn, IT help), it makes sense to split some of the remote tasks (think taxes, fin assistance paperwork, fin planning, assisted living research, insurance paperwork - it's a lot and she cannot do it herself).

I mainly care to establish a precedent going forward that I am not the default person to take care of all physical and admin needs. There is some helpful advice there - thanks for that.

Use some of the money that your brother sends to order through instacart, hire a gutter cleaning service and lawn service (could probably find one company that would do both), etc.
Your brother doesn't have time, but is apparently willing to contribute financially.