OP, having dealt with sibling caretaking frictions with both my own parent and my ILs, I'm going to tell you the truth - there's very little value in having The Talk that will ensure that the future will be perfectly equitable. Nothing is ever really equitable.
You *can* tell your brother what you need him to take on. Be specific. It sounds you don't want to be stuck managing the financial stuff, so ask your brother to take that on or you can both agree to outsource it. When he needs to do more or other things, say that too. Also, tell your mother to go to him with things that she apparently expects you to do. But like others, I do wonder if you are taking on more than you need to do. For example, why does a 68yo woman, presumably living alone, need help with "heavy groceries" on a regular basis? |
If I were your brother, I would not accept you establishing a precedent of you deciding that X number of things must be done, cannot be outsourced, and will be divvied up by you. You can try the talk but I would expect your brother to say a lot of the same things that are being said here. You can reject it here and hear it from him, and probably not move the needle at all, or actually consider what people are saying. If you have decided to help someone who shouldn't need this level of help at this age and are opposed to outsourcing any of it, you have created the work and it is fair for you to carry the burden you created. I'd be a hard no if I was your brother. |
OP might "need" something, but it is not her brother's obligation to provide that. OP can ask, but he doesn't "need to do" anything. Zero. |
This is OP. This is helpful advice for me: do not have an idealistic expectation that brother will agree to a master list and a perpetual commitment to take on tasks x, y and z. Do not expect a cathartic talk. Discuss specific needs. I will just need to be careful not to become the default “manager”. Thanks very much for this, sincerely.
Many of you got stuck on what a “typical” 68 year old should be able to do. That line of commenting was neither sought nor helpful. |
But it is relevant given that you want brother to take on more, and you are not happy that he is not being responsive. THIS could be why. But you don't seem to care about that. You just want him to do what you want him to do. I can assure you this will not go well moving forward if you have unrealistic expectations of what is needed. And if the majority of us are so off base, then why are we wrong? If you wanted better answers you would need to explain why your plan is warranted. Then we could help come up with a talk track for how to take those facts and approach your brother. |
I have 2 siblings. Thankfully we are close. But we don't completely agree on how the care of our mother should be handled. What we do agree on is not letting our relationship be ruined due to the care of our mother. So we discuss, and everyone generally makes compromises.
Care falls into 2 primary categories: Time and Money. The time it takes to carry out all that needs to be done, and the money it takes to pay for it all. For most people this is a toxic combination because not having enough time already and not having enough money already before adding "mom" to the mix is already a difficult situation. All siblings need to respect that everyone has different challenges. |
If money is all he is wiling to offer, you either outsource or do it yourself. |
Op, it’s pretty clear why your brother avoids dealing with you given your selective hearing and pig headedness. Good luck having a productive conversation and enjoy potentially spending your next 30 +years being the primary caregiver to your mom, whether she needs it or not. |
+1 Team brother |
This. OP, if you respond with hostility to even the mildest pushback or questioning, then your brother will continue to avoid dealing with you. Look at yourself and see how you are causing this problem. |
OP - the 68 part, we don't believe you. |
I agree with this. Does she have unique health issues or something? My dad is 76. No help required, except once for a few weeks for a surgery and that was years ago. That’s is why no one understands. Maybe you are enabling her. |
I think this is the heart of what most PPs believe. And since Mom is lonely and wants companionship, then the best way to get it is to "need help." Or she had a husband who took care of everything before, now, widowed, she is expecting kids to step in. I had a grandmother like this. She would have been about 59. Her kid said, Nope, you have to step up. And she did. Lived nearly 50 more years and learning to be independent served her well. |
I think the problem is that you've already appointed yourself the manager by making the list-that-may-not-be-questioned of what needs to be done, by deciding that the list needs to be split 50/50, by deciding that nothing may be outsourced, and by deciding that financial contributions don't count. You just don't want to do the work you created. I'm thinking your brother's view is you broke it, you own it. |
I agree about the enabling, only because I did it with my mom and it was miserable. As children we should make sure our elderly loved ones are safe but we can’t make them happy. OP it sounds like you have a codependent relationship with your mom. She’s relying on you for companionship and all of these tasks she can’t do are probably for attention. BTDT.
You should be focused on getting her around her peers. Maybe your brother can help out that way, by encouraging her to move somewhere there are no gutters and lawn to take care of, and someone to help with IT stuff. |