Sports and lack of aggressiveness

[Anonymous]

So what if he isn't? Can't he still play the sport just to play it?

[Anonymous]

The aggressive boys my DS grew up with turned out to be a-holes as teens. I'll take my non-aggressive kid any day.

[Anonymous]

For a kid not willing to push his own teammates out of the way to get the ball, go with baseball, tennis, and swimming over soccer and basketball.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First grade! FIRST GRADE!

Agree.

OP, sports at this age are about (1) having fun, (2) learning to be part of a team, (3) learning to enjoy moving their bodies and doing something athletic, to build up those habits, and then AFTER all that, they are about (4) becoming good at a sport.

Some kids who play sports at this age will go on to get serious about those sports, play on club or travel teams, play in high school. Some. A minority, really. The ones who will do this are not always the ones who are "the best" at this age. They may be the ones who are the most passionate, who enjoy it the most, or (as is often the case in the DMV) have parents who push them the hardest. Actual skills are something kids can be coached into and get with practice, but passion or love of the sport cannot be externally trained into a kid.

The outcomes of sporting events at this age DO NOT MATTER AT ALL. They don't matter for anything. They will not impact your kids ability to make future teams, their overall development, nothing. So being less aggressive at this age if totally fine, especially if he's still enjoying playing. He might develop more aggression later if he keeps playing and becomes more competitive (and at some point, event outcomes DO start to matter, and that's when you start to see some kids turn it on and develop more competitive instinct). Or he might be one of the many kids who likes these sports now but decides later he doesn't like it enough to pursue it. He might also switch to a sport that starts up later in age, like track or cross country (especially if he's fast and likes to run), wrestling, etc. Also if he's an overall good athlete, he could pick up a sport like swimming or tennis a little older and still be very competitive if he took to it. Or he might not be that sporty generally, he might be the kind of kid who plays rec sports or does non-competitive sports like rock climbing or hiking.

I actually worry a bit about the kids who are intensely aggressive at age 6 or 7. Often it reflects a lack of perspective and actually bodes poorly for a long athletic career. To compete in most sports at a high level, you need to be able to shake off losses. Ever seen a professional baseball player after a loss? They say things like "it's one game, we'll come back tomorrow and start over." Or "you can't dwell on the mistakes -- learn what you can and move on." Yes they are deeply competitive people who have a lot of competitive drive. But they are also people who don't pin their entire self esteem on a single at bat or play. That's healthy. Kids who are very aggressive at this age may be over-invested in being the star, scoring the winning play, besting a rival, etc. That's not a healthy attitude and is likely to lead a kid to flame out early. It's also the kind of attitude that can make a kid a liability on a team. You do need aggression to play competitive sports, but too much of it, especially when not matched by skill, is a problem.

Thank you for this thoughtful and helpful reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - what are you optimizing for?

OP - I dont know what I’m trying optimize for, if anything here. Definitely looking for the benefit of someone’s hindsight on whether or not aggressiveness can develop over time.

Maybe I’m trying to optimize friendships? I see his close circle of school friends and they are almost all super athletic, competitive and aggressive. Is that natural or something that was nurtured by the parents?

Admittedly I’m a little worried that sports won’t work out and he will be socially isolated (yes yes I know it’s crazy…but I saw it happen with my brother and it’s something I worry about). I’m also trying to see what else he might be interested in so he’s been in Boy Scouts and piano and he likes them too but definitely prefers sports.

For now he’s having fun and staying active…I don’t see us as doubling down on multiple practices a week nor do I see us pulling out of a sport because he’s not aggressive. He’s happy playing the way he is.

Thanks for the replies…especially the snarky ones!

[Anonymous]

Having had a child is baseball for years — I have watched kids make major improvements in base running (not slowing down when they get to base, eventually sliding, etc). It’s teachable.

Some aggressive behaviors like hogging ball in soccer … may look great on the field, but I know my kid didn’t want to play soccer at recess with a ball hog kid.

I think what you’re doing is great - encourage his participation in a sport or sports, but don’t let them be be all/end all.

Also… this forum makes you feel like everyone is doing it, but it’s really not a huge percentage of kids who play travel sports/have private lessons/all that jazz. That exists, but most kids are playing for fun.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why people are lecturing the OP for asking a simple question.

I think it’s partly temperament. A kid can learn to be more aggressive, or maybe they just pick their sport accordingly.

Basketball requires young kids to jump in and fight for a loose ball. Tennis and swimming do not.

Or maybe if not aggressive, play soccer but not striker.

Flag football actually doesn’t seem that aggressive to me you are just pulling a flag so let him try that.

Different strokes for different little folks. Enjoys the ride.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is 7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is like this and has never outgrown it. He does well in sports but isn't a star because of lack of aggression. Slowly he's gotten a bit better with handling aggression though. Some sports have less contact than others and eventually kids pick a sport or two to focus on and not all his friends will be on the baseball team together.

Same, same.

I think a lot of personality is inborn, and yes, it does come out on the sports field.

Mine wound up rowing and running ... great fits. They still require a lot of inner fire, but not in that "gotta get the ball" way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is like this and has never outgrown it. He does well in sports but isn't a star because of lack of aggression. Slowly he's gotten a bit better with handling aggression though. Some sports have less contact than others and eventually kids pick a sport or two to focus on and not all his friends will be on the baseball team together.

Same, same.

I think a lot of personality is inborn, and yes, it does come out on the sports field.

Mine wound up rowing and running ... great fits. They still require a lot of inner fire, but not in that "gotta get the ball" way.

+2. What I have seen (as a parent of a now MS and upper ES kids) is that the "sports aggressiveness" you are talking about is largely inborn. (This was a perfectly fine inquiry/question, not sure why so many PPs are worked up.) If your kiddo is having fun playing soccer then of course continue. But there is nothing wrong with playing to one's strengths -- we do it in all sorts of areas of life, so why not sports? Perhaps lean more into to baseball, sign up for tennis lessons, etc...

[Anonymous]

I think it's a little early to assess aggressiveness, at 7. I have kids who are 7 through 13 and at various points in time have been more or less aggressive in their team sports.

A lot of it has to do with their own personalities, being smaller or weaker, and who knows, just going through a phase.

My 13 year old is one of the least aggressive/physical soccer players playing at his level. Still, he's an outstanding player and loves to play. He plays 6-7 days a week and has never been injured.

My 11 year old just blossomed and became a beast on the soccer field over the winter. I'm not sure what happened, but it did. It might fade next season, we'll see.

As long as he's having fun and getting better in some way, even if it's not physical, let him keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having had a child is baseball for years — I have watched kids make major improvements in base running (not slowing down when they get to base, eventually sliding, etc). It’s teachable.

Some aggressive behaviors like hogging ball in soccer … may look great on the field, but I know my kid didn’t want to play soccer at recess with a ball hog kid.

I think what you’re doing is great - encourage his participation in a sport or sports, but don’t let them be be all/end all.

Also… this forum makes you feel like everyone is doing it, but it’s really not a huge percentage of kids who play travel sports/have private lessons/all that jazz. That exists, but most kids are playing for fun.

+1 on the major improvements and teachability.

Also it took until 5th grade for my kid to find a place where her competitive nature could even appear at all. When she played soccer she wasn't a ball hog or good at all. When she swam she simply could not turn her speed on in the pool during meets. But when she pitched, the tougher the moment the better she did. No she's not a future Olympian, not even close. But she's found something where she can contribute in a tight spot and she loves it and we love that for her. Sometimes you just have to keep trying things until you find an activity that matches your kid's personality.

Although not sure how old PP's kids are, but when you reach a certain age there are a lot of people who do play travel (we don't, many of our friends do). And that's OK. That age is not first grade though, don't worry.

[Anonymous]

This was my kid and he found his people running track and XC in high school. He loves running in a way he never loved any of the other sports he played. He loves his teammates. Some of them (including my son) are incredible athletes, and they are kind and supportive to the ones who try really hard. FWIW, his early elementary friends were also the aggressive, sporty kids and they drifted apart in late elementary. MS was a tricky time but it all clicked in high school.

[Anonymous]

My DD didn't like soccer or field hockey because she didn't like having to fight other kids for the ball. Now in late elementary school, she's very into swimming. From my own experience, I don't think I became aggressive in sports until high school. There's really no hurry or forcing anyone into this. The point is for your kid to get some exercise, make some friends, and enjoy themselves. If they turn out being great at a sport, that's an added bonus but that shouldn't be your goal.

[Anonymous]

It's first grade. Come back to ask when it's 5th grade. Or ideally, 8th.