Mainstream public middle school for AuDHDer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AuDHDer with low-level anxiety is in 6th grade and doing very well in a very small SN school. They would be happy to keep him there but also feel he is ready to grow more through a more mainstream environment and harder academics. We agree, although it has also been nice feeling relaxed and secure there for a few years.

We moved him out of public school in late elementary because it was not going well. He was doing fine academically but couldn't deal with the ambiguity of rules and lack of structure. He became friends with kids who were constantly goofing around and being disruptive, and he got involved in a few groups that were being aggressive towards each other. We were very concerned about his behavior at school and at home, as he was becoming angry all the time, being explosive when frustrated (despite never having been before), and sneaking around to get whatever he wanted (candy, screen time).

Therapy and the new school and time have really, really helped. We know we can't continue to coddle him (and he is getting bored at his current school), but we are scared of the alternatives because we don't want a situation like before!

We have two options - a mainstream private that is smallish but quite a bit larger than his current school (going from about 10 kids in 6th grade to about 50 at the private school), vs a medium-sized public (about 230 kids in 6th). The public would be in our neighborhood and walkable and has sports and clubs. It's supposed to be a "good school," but our elementary was also (however, we have since moved, so this is a totally different school district). The private is pretty rigorous academically and has sports and clubs but is not close by. He thrives on peer relationships and independence and would LOVE to be back in public school, but he also doesn't realize how bad things were and why we had to move him out. He recently said, "Remember how I went like a month without showering in 4th grade?" Now he showers every day, but it was a huge battle back then. He doesn't remember and can't explain why. He was clearly seeking to control things to feel more secure back then.

Is there a hope for a situation where a public school might work for a kid like this? Has anyone had a kid who has been successful in that setting? The value of the private is that it's smaller and we would probably have better teacher communication and more supervision over who he hangs out with, since we would have to drive him to any meetups. But since it's farther away, I envision us being less involved as parents in volunteering and PTA, etc.

I should also note that he does not really present obviously as having autism. On the one hand, this can make it easier to "blend in" with peers, but it creates its own problems when he doesn't fully grasp social situations, and teachers often "read" him as simply misbehaving when he may actually not understand or be too overwhelmed to comply in the moment.

Do you mind if I ask which smaller school has been working for him previously? His profile sounds very similar to one of my kids in MS who has the same diagnosis and has really been struggling.

[Anonymous]

My similar kid is in a mainstream public MS and it’s going great socially and in terms of building independence. I don’t think you can blame everything that happened in the past on the school. You should let him try mainstreaming at the public.

[Anonymous]

I think you should keep your child in their current school and then they apply out for high school. Advanced academics can be supplemented outside of school. If they feel safe and are supported it is better for them to grow their confidence and social skills ( even if it is small peer circle) in a supportive environment. Supplement outside of school with additional peer based activities. Do not move your child. The grass is not always greener and 2 major transitions in a period of 3 years ( for 7th and then 9th) is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My similar kid is in a mainstream public MS and it’s going great socially and in terms of building independence. I don’t think you can blame everything that happened in the past on the school. You should let him try mainstreaming at the public.

Which public? What type of supports does their IEP have?

Or are you that one poster who tells everyone on all threads to mainstream in public because that's the "real world"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My similar kid is in a mainstream public MS and it’s going great socially and in terms of building independence. I don’t think you can blame everything that happened in the past on the school. You should let him try mainstreaming at the public.

My similar kid in a mainstream public MS is miserable and struggling. She also happens to be the kind of kid who turns her frustrations inward so the teachers don’t even realize.

I would consider the larger private and see how it goes. Take it a step at a time. If it does well, consider public HS.

[Anonymous]

I would stay. A smallish mainstream private could be brutal socially for a kid like this. And then where do you go?

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are still debating what to do. I agree with a lot of the things posted here - don't want too many transitions (7th and 9th, although he could stay at the larger private for high school and that would reduce that issue), worried it might be rough to be in a mainstream private if he is judged, worried the temptation to get into things like drugs or just goofing off might be too much at a big public without close adult attention...

To the PP who asked about where he is now - We aren't in the DC area anymore, so the school wouldn't be nearby (we're in the Midwest), but good luck in your search.

I think I'm leaning away from public but maybe toward trying the mainstream private to see how it goes.