would you punish for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What else has he done and what have been the consequences?

It's difficult to answer without knowing this.

For now, you can say, "In this family, we treat each other with kindness. This was not kind. It was mean and hurtful. I'm upset by your behavior and need to think through calmly about what your consequence will be."

In his younger years, we did a lot of natural consequences and he was a real rule follower.

I'm finding natural consequences are tougher now. What's the natural consequence for someone who talks back to you? (In that case, I just sent him to his room by saying it seemed like he needed some time on his own.)

A lot of his issues are around his little brother. At school, teachers love him and he does great. With me alone, generally, he's been amazing. It's only been the last couple months where some attitude has seeped in.

[Anonymous]

If my 9 year old did this we would take away something he loves (in his case video games) and have a serious talk until he understands exactly what he did and why it was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:36 again. Also if you're coming here calling him a jerk, then he knows you feel that way, so I bet you have also been making things worse. I'm saying all of this with kindness.

OP here, and I am taking this with kindness and appreciate the feedback. I've been sick the past several days so I haven't had much time with him at all.

The funny thing is that I actually made a point to spend some dedicated time with him today, and he pulled this like 10 minutes AFTER that. I realize it's going to take more than 1 day, it was just that he should have been feeling pretty good at that exact moment but clearly wasn't.

I think that I get really triggered when he's mean to his little brother, and I do get angry with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:36 again. Also if you're coming here calling him a jerk, then he knows you feel that way, so I bet you have also been making things worse. I'm saying all of this with kindness.

OP here, and I am taking this with kindness and appreciate the feedback. I've been sick the past several days so I haven't had much time with him at all.

The funny thing is that I actually made a point to spend some dedicated time with him today, and he pulled this like 10 minutes AFTER that. I realize it's going to take more than 1 day, it was just that he should have been feeling pretty good at that exact moment but clearly wasn't.

I think that I get really triggered when he's mean to his little brother, and I do get angry with him.

Interesting that you mentioned being triggered because I almost wrote about that too but thought I was writing too much!

This link explains better than I could, but her idea about figuring out why you are so triggered has been extremely helpful for me. You may be thinking he'll be a terrible adult or he'll always be mean to everyone, for instance.

https://rachel-bailey.com/205-transcript/

[Anonymous]

When a kid makes a bad decision that hurts someone, a question I like to ask is "You hurt Larlo, and you hurt me. What can you do to fix this? ”

[Anonymous]

This fits in the "You're adopted" vein, nothing more. It is so common. People calling this attention hungry kid names are the real "psychopaths and jerks". He is a child, a young child! Just because he is older than his sibling does not change that. You will not be holding the younger one to these standards when they turn 9 and play stupid pranks, guaranteed. Poor kid, spend some special one-on-one time with him.

[Anonymous]

My kid would be writing a couple pages about all the amazing things about his brother and also having a brother in general. Plus a really nice apology.

[Anonymous]

Junior Boarding School.

https://boardingschoolreview.com/junior-boarding-schools

[Anonymous]

OP here and it's so interesting to see how many different points of view there are about this. I really appreciate folks weighing in.

I tend to go right to the "omg he's a sociopath" perspective, and it's helpful to the opposite perspective which is that sometimes kids do this type of thing to each other. Not that it makes it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Anyway, we had a chat and I ended up having him write an apology letter to his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid would be writing a couple pages about all the amazing things about his brother and also having a brother in general. Plus a really nice apology.

Do you want him to lie?

[Anonymous]

I love the idea of a letter with good things about his sibling, as well as more time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and it's so interesting to see how many different points of view there are about this. I really appreciate folks weighing in.

I tend to go right to the "omg he's a sociopath" perspective, and it's helpful to the opposite perspective which is that sometimes kids do this type of thing to each other. Not that it makes it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Anyway, we had a chat and I ended up having him write an apology letter to his brother.

Sounds good. Did the brother relationship seem a little restored, as well as his relationship to you? I'm the one who said I made my daughter do that, and it helped her and her sister skip off to play until about, you know, 10 minutes later when they were fighting again. But temporarily it helped and hopefully doing the little moments of repair helps patch up all the little fights and in the end they grow up with a good relationship, you know?

[Anonymous]

That's horrible.

[Anonymous]

Very twisted! I almost admire it. Appologies all around and maybe take the kids to the spy museum to learn about forged letters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and it's so interesting to see how many different points of view there are about this. I really appreciate folks weighing in.

I tend to go right to the "omg he's a sociopath" perspective, and it's helpful to the opposite perspective which is that sometimes kids do this type of thing to each other. Not that it makes it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

Anyway, we had a chat and I ended up having him write an apology letter to his brother.

Oh lord. He is not a sociopath. He is a kid who is acting like a jerk. Focus on kindness in the house. Call him out for jerk behavior. But don’t make this more than it is.